J was here with me this week. It was wonderful to be with Him. We celebrated His birthday. I cooked for Him, I baked Him a cake. It felt so good to be near Him, to touch Him and hold Him. I have been feeling fragile lately, very vulnerable, emotionally raw. I needed Him. When I am with Him, all of those feelings are okay, I am safe. When I am apart from Him, those feelings are disconcerting.
I had been desiring all sorts of different things. I was wanting intensity, severity, I wanted to be marked and broken. I have been asking for it. However, when He was here, I could not find the right headspace. I couldn't settle into the sensations, they were too much, too overwhelming. I felt like I had failed Him, I could not even tolerate our usual intensity of play. I cried, I was emotional, I felt as if my submission wasn't good enough. He held me, He comforted me, He reassured me. I love that He takes responsibility for me. I love that I know I am completely safe with Him. Still, even though I know He feels that way, I know He accepts that responsibility, I am still surprised. I still don't always expect it. I am not used to someone being so reliable, so constant. I am not used to someone taking care of me like that.
I know that our dynamic involves an exchange. That means to give something in return for something else. That means there is both give and take going on. I know that I can trust Him completely. I have never worried or feared He would harm me in any way. Though, in my mind I expect to give to Him and have Him take from me. In reality, I feel He gives much more than I give. He has the responsibilty in the relationship. He works at establishing the dynamic. I do try very hard to submit, I try to anticipate and meet His needs. I want and try to please Him, but ultimately, He bears the burden of the decisions and direction that things will go. He gives me the means to explore and define my submission. He gives me a place where I am safe and cared for. He gives me more pleasure than I have ever experienced before. He loves me and accepts me. He has made it possible for me to heal and to grow. I feel a vast inequality in what we both contribute. I feel that I have received more than I could possibly offer Him. I have never experienced this level of trust or contentment. I always feel that I want to give more.