Sunday, June 28, 2009

J was here with me this week. It was wonderful to be with Him. We celebrated His birthday. I cooked for Him, I baked Him a cake. It felt so good to be near Him, to touch Him and hold Him. I have been feeling fragile lately, very vulnerable, emotionally raw. I needed Him. When I am with Him, all of those feelings are okay, I am safe. When I am apart from Him, those feelings are disconcerting.

I had been desiring all sorts of different things. I was wanting intensity, severity, I wanted to be marked and broken. I have been asking for it. However, when He was here, I could not find the right headspace. I couldn't settle into the sensations, they were too much, too overwhelming. I felt like I had failed Him, I could not even tolerate our usual intensity of play. I cried, I was emotional, I felt as if my submission wasn't good enough. He held me, He comforted me, He reassured me. I love that He takes responsibility for me. I love that I know I am completely safe with Him. Still, even though I know He feels that way, I know He accepts that responsibility, I am still surprised. I still don't always expect it. I am not used to someone being so reliable, so constant. I am not used to someone taking care of me like that.

I know that our dynamic involves an exchange. That means to give something in return for something else. That means there is both give and take going on. I know that I can trust Him completely. I have never worried or feared He would harm me in any way. Though, in my mind I expect to give to Him and have Him take from me. In reality, I feel He gives much more than I give. He has the responsibilty in the relationship. He works at establishing the dynamic. I do try very hard to submit, I try to anticipate and meet His needs. I want and try to please Him, but ultimately, He bears the burden of the decisions and direction that things will go. He gives me the means to explore and define my submission. He gives me a place where I am safe and cared for. He gives me more pleasure than I have ever experienced before. He loves me and accepts me. He has made it possible for me to heal and to grow. I feel a vast inequality in what we both contribute. I feel that I have received more than I could possibly offer Him. I have never experienced this level of trust or contentment. I always feel that I want to give more.


Paul said...

Alice, people in your situation often feel this.
From my experience subs give much more than you realise, it's in your nature not to fully realise this.
Love and warm hugs,

Sir J said...

Alice, I agree with Paul, I think sometimes it is hard for subs to understand what it is dominants get out of the relationship. For me I thrive on taking care of her if she was not there I would wander aimlessly. She is the release in the sometimed sadistict games we play and the focus when I take care of her. To give me so much must be hard work.

Alice said...

Thank you Paul and Sir J. It is so nice to get the dominant's perspective. J has expressed to me that I give him much more than I realize. That my importance is more than I know.

I think that the glitch in my thinking comes from my past relationships. They were NOT power exchange relationships, but I gave much more than I ever received. Yet now I am in a power exchange relationship, which to me is an unequal relationship of equals (I think that m:e used that term) and I am receiving more than I ever have from anyone. It makes me pause and feel that I am not giving enough. This is not a complaint, it is a fact that humbles me. It is actually quite lovely.

Mr.C. said...

Lovingly written and with thought and compassion. That is nice to see and no doubt of great satisfaction to the Gentleman concerned. Hence you are giving to him here are you not?

As for 'He bears the burden of the decisions and direction that things will go.' Is it a burden for a dog to wag his tail, or a cat to stretch in the sun? Dominant people do what comes naturally, the burden would be to not have a loving, admiring, grateful, submissive girl to offer our gifts and abilities to.

In my opinion these relationships work so well because, no matter what it might look like, we both offer the other what is needed.

Alice said...

Very wise words Mr C. Thank you.