Monday, June 1, 2009

Your kink is not my kink, but I get it

I spent part of my birthday hanging out with my best friend. We have been friends for a very long time, we have weathered quite a lot together. It has only been in the past year that I have shared my kinks with her and she in turn has shared hers with me. I will admit, that once I opened that door of sharing, she opened the floodgates and is much more forthcoming than I am. I can't say I was shocked, though at times I have been a bit surprised. Mostly at the fact that we have been close for so long and there is so much we didn't know about each other. The bottom line though, is that our kinks are quite different. She is anything but submissive. She might play in that role, but she tends to switch. She has a strap-on and knows how to use it. She participates in (and seems to enjoy) cuckolding. The main thing is, she likes to be in control. While all of those things don't do anything for me, I get it. I understand her penchant for it and if it works for her, well hey, who am I to judge.

She was telling me about her ex-husband hitting on her. This is something he does quite often, only because she occasionally indulges him. Then she told me of her plans to have a threesome (her being fucked by two guys), she told me she had thought about inviting her ex to watch. Something about wanting to humiliate him. I told her that as much as I do get it, somehow it just didn't seem quite right. Of course so much of what she does (sexually and otherwise) doesn't seem quite right to me. I pity the man (or woman for that matter) who would betray her, for she would ensure their destruction, even if it meant her own. I'm not really judging here, I just sometimes wonder about her intent. She then referred to J. She said, "the next time he comes down, just tie him up, whip his ass and make him happy." That was when I realized that even though I may get it, she doesn't. I told her that we don't switch, ever. That I am always submissive and He is always Dominant. She replied, "okay, then he can tie you up and whip your ass, whatever."

While it certainly won't effect our friendship, she not only doesn't understand my submissiveness, but I don't think she understands my commitment to J as a submissive. I'm sure she knows we are committed in our relationship, but I think the dynamic escapes her. I could be completely off base, but she seems to think that kink is just kink and doesn't define a relationship. I thought about explaining that, for us, D/s is beyond just playing. It is more than just getting your rocks off, it is who we are, in and out of the bedroom. But I didn't, she wouldn't understand. I have shared this blog with her, I know she has read it, but not on a regular basis. It is not that important to me that she understands. Though, it makes me wonder how many people that have not desired or experienced this type of dynamic, can truly understand how deep that it goes.


Paul said...

Alice, it's good that coming out to each other hasn't affected your
It's rather a lot to expect to be totally understood.
Love and warm hugs,

Sally-Sal said...

I don't practice the D/s relationship, but from what I've read, it's more about respect, the devotion between two loving adults, love, and looking out for each others best interests.

The more I read, the more it seems to me that the D/s relationship has the relationship dynamic down.

I'm far from understanding it, since I haven't lived it, but I respect it, and keep an open mind.

M:e said...

I think I've given up hoping to be fully understood, even by those deeply ensconced in the

love and hugs xxx

oatmeal girl said...

There I was, forming my comment in my mind: "What she doesn't understand is that it's not about playing, it's not just something you DO, something that my Master and I DO. It's the core of who we are and how we relate." And then I hit your last paragraph and - of course - there it was.

I continue to believe that a D/s relationship is, at its best, an exquisite example of what a relationship can be. Even if - as in my case with my Master - it is not a proper love relationship of the usual kind. but yes, it is deep.

Sorry I haven't been around more. I'm required to spend a lot of time on creative writing. He is frightfully demanding, is my Master. For which I am very very grateful.

Alice said...

Of course you are right. Though J has me spoiled and expecting to be totally understood. I guess the fact that He understands me so perfectly, will have to suffice.

You actually seem to understand it quite well. All I know is that my relationship with J is more fulfilling and more devoted and committed than any vanilla relationship I have ever had. Thanks for your comment, I love seeing you here.

Misunderstandings and assumptions occur all of the time (in and out of the lifestyle). The only ones that really need to understand what we have and what we want are J and I. Luckily, we do understand each other explicitly. I know that you and M have a complete understanding as well.

I know you have been busy and otherwise occupied. I have been reading. I am glad things are working out for you. Yes, it is definitely deep and exquisite. ((Hugs))

Louise said...

Alice, you have said it so well: it's not about what we do, but about who we are, and that's always pretty hard, or near impossible, to have fully understood. Except of course in very rare cases. *smiles*