I am not sure where the past few months have gone. Life seems to be flying by, I certainly have been busy (I'm sure we all are), but nothing out of the ordinary. Things have been good for J and I. The past few months we have been able to connect a bit more often. I will see Him again in a few days. Every minute with Him is precious, it renews me and refocuses me. At times, I feel like the rest of my life is a holding pattern, circling around waiting to arrive at my destination. When we are together, all is right in my world. Time slows down and affords me the luxury of serving Him. It gives me the opportunity to breath and relax, to be me. Though, I long to improve my service to Him, to please Him more. I need to become more disciplined, rather than just standing by, I need to work at becoming better. I do not have rules, there are things He directs me to do and I strive to fulfill those requests. Service to Him has become more of a focus for me. I realize that there are things I can do, put my own rules in place, to become a better submissive. I am working on that.
I do not view my submission as being along for a ride. It is more than being available and obedient. I want to actively please Him, I want to anticipate and fulfill His needs and desires. I want to exceed His expectations. I want to make things easier for Him and more enjoyable. I have fallen into the trap of thinking of all the things I could do for Him, if we were together all of the time. However, we are not, so I need to better serve Him from a distance, while focusing still on our time together. He has a strong presence in my life, we communicate daily, I think of Him constantly, I write to Him often. Yet, I don't feel it is enough, I want to offer Him more, so that is my task at hand.
I know there are certain things that are next on the agenda for us, so to speak. Things we have discussed at length. More of my boundaries to be crossed. One of them is public play. No, I do not mean doing it in the middle of the street, more like hidden in plain sight. Things done covertly, but with others around. This is difficult for me, I am not an exhibitionist in any way. I struggle with even dressing provocatively in public. So, the challenge is there for me, because often in public, I imagine everyone knows exactly what is going through my mind. I know this will arise when we are together this week. I also know it is an issue of overcoming my own inhibitions, something that has been easier said than done.
We have also talked about including another woman in our play. This is something I have come to desire. I fantasize about it, I have written about it. I have no doubt it will occur, the issue is finding her. For me, it is more than just placing an ad on Craigslist or trolling the sites like CollarMe and FetLife. I need to have a connection. Our relationship and our dynamic is to valuable to just find a willing participant. She also needs to fit with us. While I do plan to begin actively seeking her, I also believe that we will find the correct person when the time is right. Perhaps I am naive.
I am ready to continue on this journey with J. I never anticipated coming this far or delving this deeply. I am humbled by His love and acceptance of me. I cannot imagine being without Him now. He has defined and fulfilled my submission. I am grateful to be His.