Sunday, March 7, 2010


I cannot remember what I have written in the past, and I really do not want to comb through the archives, but I know I have mentioned discussions of piss play. I also know that I have mentioned events that occurred during my last marriage.

I struggle with my perceptions of my abuse at the hands of my ex. At that point in my life, I certainly had submissive desires and tendencies, but no knowledge. I did not know about D/s, M/s or BDSM. He did, to an extent, he was heavily into pornography highlighting those types of play. He never shared it with me, but he would tell me about it. I would willingly try some things and I would refuse to do other things. What occurred when I refused was that he would force me to do it anyway. I classify it as abuse, he did seriously hurt me at times and I felt he might have even killed me had I resisted more vehemently. I am sure his perceptions of what occurred are very different. I am sure he felt he was just engaging in BDSM, albeit non-consensual. He got off on hurting, humiliating and overpowering me. Though as I read through others accounts, I find those things are not uncommon. I have had others tell me that what I perceive as abuse, was maybe play gone too far. Is there a difference? Maybe for some there is. For me it was abuse, it damaged me and changed me.

J has always been loving and caring in anything we engage in. That may sound contradictory, considering we engage in spankings and canings, among other things. The difference is that I am valued by him. What we share is done for mutual pleasure and satisfaction. Our relationship and his domination has healed me in many ways. He has allowed me to explore my fantasies and grow in my desires. He has shown me that these things I desire are not sick and dirty, but can be beautiful and loving.

One thing that I never had desired, or really understood, was piss play. I experienced it as abuse. I was choked and threatened and told I was worthless and then I was pissed on. I was made to drink it, his cock shoved down my throat while he peed. I don't even think it was the act he craved, but the humiliation. The humiliation was fueled by his hatred, his hatred of me, of women and of himself. He was full of hate. That hate hurt me more than the acts he forced upon me. I began to believe the things he told me. I felt worthless and dirty and defiled. The desires I once had to submit were pushed into the recesses of my mind. I decided they must be sick and wrong. I must deserve the things he did, because I was perverted and abnormal. It did not even occur to me that the things he wanted and forced me to do were the same things he condemned me for.

That fear and shame are still there to an extent. When something becomes so deeply ingrained it is hard to eradicate it completely. Though, each day, each encounter, each conversation with J affirms me, heals me, erases those feelings. He makes me feel precious and cherished. He tells me that nothing I could ever do or say would make Him think badly of me. I do believe Him, at least most of the time (there are times when my own shame and doubts creep in). His love for me has allowed me to open my mind. To dig into the past and revisit those fantasies, as well as those nightmares. The funny thing is, I desire some of those acts with Him. Things that I never desired before. The reasons for that are varied and not completely known by me. I do know that I want to be fully His, all of me. I do not want any part of me, or any experience I have had, to belong to anyone else. By re-experiencing those acts with Him, that part of me, that experience now belongs to Him. Nothing with J is ever shameful or wrong. Anything we engage in is defined by us, by Him. I don't view it or judge it from any past prejudices or societal norms. My own thoughts are different, at times they embarrass or shame me. Yet when I share them with Him, even in telling, He makes them okay.

This post was really to tell about an encounter we had last month. I did not mean to go into a long-winded account of my past and our relationship dynamics. I just felt I had to provide some background first. J knows my history, He knows about everything that has happened to me. He is careful and gentle and caring. He is careful with my psyche, He is careful to let me know I am cherished by Him. I am not even sure who originally brought it up, but we have been talking about piss play for about a year. Although it is not something I have ever previously desired, it actually was a hard limit for me. I didn't understand it, I thought it was degrading, in my past it surely had been. But like so many other things, a desire began to grow inside of me, a desire to give myself to Him in that way. For a long time, He told me He did not think I was ready. He has had me tell Him how I imagined it would be, I have written about it for Him, He has told me what it would be like.

Last month it was time, I was ready. I expected to feel very submissive, I expected to be okay with it. I never expected how freeing and defining and spiritual it would be for me. I kneeled in the shower for Him, He stood in front of me. As He began to piss on me, I had a flood of emotions. At first I felt all the old feelings start to come back to me, but very quickly I felt anointed, it was as if He were baptising me, making me His own. I felt reborn and strengthened. I raised my head up and looked at Him, I opened my mouth and leaned forward, taking it into my mouth and drinking it. The shame and degradation that I had once felt regarding this act was gone. He broke the spell of shame that had been placed on me. He took me away from my abusers' grasp. I wanted to yell out; "I did it again, I did it because I wanted to. I did it because I am His. No one forced me, I wanted to." I felt surrendered to J, I felt complete submission. I also felt tremendous strength, stronger than I have ever been. His piss washed away the hold another man had on me, a man I haven't seen in years. I am J's, completely, totally and proudly.


Greenwoman said...

I've been quiet with your last few posts. Feeling the juiciness of your recovery unfolding and your beauty in healing...

I was thinking alot about my current journey and about other times in the past that there's been a reclamation of territory I'd abandoned of myself because I'd been injured so badly, I couldn't take up that space consciously inside myself.

Most recently, it isn't even really about any sexual act. Its about the journey to fulfill, sustain and love myself without need of others to do so too or in my stead when I'm feeling little.

I'm learning to trust my own parenting.

And I'm learning that as I trust my own parenting, I'm less invested in men who have faulty parenting to love me.


And again my sexuality is evolving...the emotional body and the physical body are so intertwined. If one part evolves, the other does too and then it flows back around...

A beautiful inner dance.

I'm so glad you have J. *smiles*

Alice said...

Thank you so much Shannee, I am so glad I have Him too. He has helped me remember to love myself. He has helped me find that child again that needs parenting. The evolution is mine, but He is the catalyst.

Paul said...

Alice, your J is a wise and gentle man, I'm so glad that he is helping you heal.
Warm hugs,

Alice said...

Thank you Paul, I am glad I can convey J's nature in my writing, because he really is so gentle with me and he knows me so well, I trust him in all things. Both the nature of our relationship and the healing that has occurred amaze me every day.
Alice :)

Louise said...

What a beautiful post, Alice... I'm afraid I can't find the right words but you write so poised... composed... wise... and your love for J is almost tangible. It's lovely to read, and even more lovely you both share this love.

Love, Louise

Alice said...

Thank you Louise. This was a bit difficult to write. I tried not to get to deep and wordy, but I wanted to convey what I felt. I am finding thankfulness and spirituality in many places lately. This was certainly one of those times.

I hope you are well. I have been thinking of you, sending loving thoughts your way.

Louise said...

Thank you so much for your sweet words and thoughts. much love & many hugs.