Sunday, March 21, 2010

Thinking it through

Last night I was not in a particularly good mental place. I was missing J intensely. I always miss Him, even if we have just been together. Usually it is a sweet longing and a joyful anticipation of the next time. Last night it was a painful ache, a sense of mourning. I was extremely tired and nursing a headache, so maybe I could not get in the right frame of mind.

I talked to J last night, I think He sensed that something was wrong. He even asked if I was okay. I told him I was and He asked "mentally okay?" He knew, but I declined to share the feeling of despair I was experiencing. I was not trying to hide anything from Him, I just knew I needed to sleep it off and I would be fine. I also never want Him to feel bad that He cannot be here, especially since I am normally practical about it and okay with that. I did send Him an e-mail this morning telling Him, I also added that today I was fine...and I am.

Sometimes it is just hard being apart. Sometimes I am lonely for Him, I pine for Him, I feel a bit lost. Those painfully difficult times are rare. I would love to be with Him every day, but I know our circumstances don't allow it. I also do not want anyone else, I can't imagine not being His, regardless of how much or how little we can be together. Having one day with Him is better than 365 days with anyone else. And we do have much more time than that, He is actually quite good about planning to be with me. All in all, we have a great deal of time, considering we have a long distance relationship. We are together about once a month, frequently more, sometimes a bit less. We talk every day. I write to Him often. We probably communicate more than many couples who live together. We certainly have more quality time and better communication than I did in either of my marriages. Though there are things I wish for. The time we have together is precious and I prefer to spend it bonding, talking, playing, loving. If we had more time at our discretion we could do more mundane things, like grocery shopping and walking the dogs. Not that those things are wasteful, or even mundane really, but they fall to the wayside since our time is limited.

I feel selfish to even complain of those things. I am grateful and appreciative of all that we share. Our relationship is so much more than I ever anticipated or dreamed of in the beginning. I am very aware and appreciative of the effort He makes to see me and talk to me. I have no regrets or second thoughts, conversely I feel lucky and in awe to have what we have. Perhaps I am not complaining, maybe I am just opening my mind to the possibilities. It's not wrong to dream is it?


swan said...

Alice -- It is never wrong to dream. Too, to contemplate what is, to have and express feelings about the realities we face, to contemplate how that plays out for us -- all of these are the ways that we mine our realities for the lessons that they might have to teach us. It seems to me that you have found more joy than sorrow in the shape of your life. That is a very good thing to know and contemplate.

hugs, swan

Alice said...

I have found a great deal of joy. I am very happy with the way things are, I have much gratitude for that. Seeing your comment reminded me of Tom's tagline - "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined." I am living a life even better than I imagined. Thank you for your words. I will continue to dream and imagine, I will continue to be thankful and blessed.

Greenwoman said...

I think its pretty normal to want more time with someone you love.

I'm happy for you...that you have someone so special and good for you in your life.


Alice said...

I think it is too Shannee. J makes me very happy, he is good to me. Tomorrow night we will be together again, so I won't have to tell him...I miss you.