Be careful what you wish for...

Despite having numerous things to complete before Christmas, having time off is also giving me ample time to dwell and obsess on our upcoming time together. As I have alluded to here, I am craving intensity and severity. What I have written to Him privately has been a bit more graphic and detailed. My requests of Him and my descriptions of scenarios are not demands in any way. He has always encouraged me to share my thoughts and fantasies with Him, He wants to know specifics, He wants explicit details, I try very hard to oblige Him. I am aware that it is about His desires and His pleasure, not mine. Though, He is very caring and considerate of me and my desires. I am a lucky girl, especially when it comes to my masochistic tendencies, as He seems very willing to give me exactly what I am wanting and more.

As if my own desires and proclivities don't provide me with enough masturbatory fodder, He has been kind enough to send me the written details of what He has planned. It is a message that I have reread numerous times this past week. His writing and descriptions put my own words to shame, He has as much mastery over the written word, as He does over me. Each time I have read His complete and descriptive account, I have felt the heat and the wetness, oozing from my cunt and soaking my panties. This last time, I realized I was trembling as I slid my hand down my pants to my very hard and sensitive clit.

The bottom line (no pun intended) is that I need Him to hurt me. I need Him to spank me and whip me, ignoring my pleas and sobs. I want to be pushed over the edge, to where I have completely lost control and totally surrendered to Him. I will admit that the prospect scares me (just a little), but I also do not fear the end result. I lust for His extreme, excessive, and uncompromising domination and use of me.

Longings

It has been a long time since we have actually been together. This end of the year time is extremely busy and stressful for Him. While that is actually a good reason to schedule time together, it also makes it very difficult to do just that. The dynamics of our relationship make the separation and distance okay with me. I always feel His presence and His influence in my life. We have almost daily contact of one form or another. My submission and His dominance are not dependent on our being together physically. I am actually amazed at how well this works for us. That said, I do regret not being able to be more present for Him. I wish that I could be in service more to Him, I would love to be able to provide Him with more of a break from the stressors of daily life.


The distance does serve to make me more appreciative of our time together. My desire for Him never wanes and is often quite controlling in itself. When we were talking the other day, I mentioned my desires. I told Him how much I yearned to serve Him, I referred to the things that I would like to do to Him and for Him. He asked me to tell Him, to describe it, and then He told me...You do know that my cock is in my hand now, don't you? That comment did it for me, it immediately turned me on, even more than I already was. An incredible yearning and desire for His cock washed over me. I wanted to see Him masturbate, I wanted to wrap my hand around His cock. I love how it feels, I love seeing it, I love the heat and the firmness of His erection in my hand.


I love any and all interaction I get with His cock. I love the feeling of it pressed against me, through His pants, when we embrace. I love feeling it under me as I lay over His lap for a spanking. I love unzipping His pants to see it spring free, right before I grasp it with my hand. I love kneeling before Him to slide my mouth down the length of His shaft. I love feeling it thrusting into my mouth, slamming into the back of my throat, making me gag. I love feeling it slip into my wet slit. smooth and hard and teasing, making me push against it, thrust towards it, needing to be filled with it.

I am enthralled by it, obsessed by it. I fantasize about it. I fantasize about slipping into a dark alley, so I can kneel and take it in my mouth right then. I fantasize about following Him into a public bathroom, or a stairwell, only to be pushed against the wall and feel it sliding into me. I fantasize about straddling Him on a park bench, in a forgotten corner of a park. I may be submissive, but I am not a patient girl. I do not want to wait for His cock, especially when I have not seen Him for awhile. I want His cock right then! I know He gets amused when I beg Him, down on my knees, please don't make me wait, I need to suck your cock right now. We have shared many late night dinners, because my hunger for His cock was greater than my hunger for any food.

This time apart, this last period of waiting, has whittled away at my patience even more. My desire for service to Him, combined with my desire for Him, has me needing His cock more than ever. My cunt aches for it, my hand is empty without it, my mouth salivates for it. I am in heat, again.

metaphysical meditations

I am still trying to understand my desires and a new awareness that has overtaken me of late. I have been fairly quiet here, I have attempted several times to write, to journal through this in a post and failed. Yet my need to put this out there, to gain some insight, to figure it all out, is strong. I know that the roadblock is within myself, I am retraining my mind to think and to learn in a way that is alien to my Western indoctrination. So, forgive me if I ramble and repeat myself, for I am just going to write as my thoughts come to me.

My thoughts and my desires continue to swirl around me and I find myself grasping little pieces of understanding from this cloud of ideas. Much of this is confusing to me, these ideas, feelings and desires are emanating from within me, yet I cannot grasp the concept as a whole. Part of me remains too rooted in the past, too conditioned, to let go and fully experience this present. Though, I also realize that this is the key. I need to just be, to accept and experience what is occurring. I am not sure my actual desire is so much for the pain, as it is for what will result from the administration and experiencing pain. I crave being used and objectified, my goal is not to be oppressed, but to be freed. My physical self is an object, nothing more, perhaps the pain and the use that I desire for my physical self is really a means to free my spiritual self. This is certainly not a new concept. For centuries, in all manor of religions and spiritualities, people have used pain to achieve transcendence.

But it is more than the pain I am craving, it is the vulnerability, the surrender. I want to completely give myself to Him. I want to let go, I want to be emptied of my own will, I want to become a vessel that fulfills His desires. We have shared this before, this ultimate exchange that I need. In those moments, when I have been able to unconditionally yield all of myself to Him, I felt myself filled with His energy, as my own power drained out of me. I have this vague image of being sacrificed on His altar. I came across a quote from Socrates: "Every pleasure or pain has a sort of rivet with which it fastens the soul to the body and pins it down and makes it corporeal, accepting as true whatever the body certifies." I want to remove that rivet, I want to break free from the body and experience a different truth.

I suppose that part of my struggle has been with classifying my desires into good or bad. The baggage from my past teaches good versus evil. Maybe there is no good or evil, maybe it is all in the context or the intent. I have been taught that certain things are bad or taboo, but what if they are just things, just acts, no classification. If I remove the restrictions of those labels, does that make everything that could occur between us acceptable? I try not to pass judgement on others, if their actions do not produce harm to anyone else, so why should I impose judgement on myself? I do believe that, at times, guilt has a purpose and a place. That said, I need to figure out when guilt should be heeded and when guilt is simply a restrictive emotion. I certainly do not feel guilt over all that we do, I have found great joy and contentment in our relationship. It is those recent thoughts and yearnings that have caused me conflict. I sometimes feel I am being lured over to the dark side. I am not ready or willing to share all of my innermost thoughts here, just believe me when I say that some of them shock and even repel me. So it is this duality within me that I am trying to resolve.

I also must add that it is the closeness and the depth of trust in my relationship with J that has brought me to this point of self-exploration. He has revealed my needs and my nature to me. He has enabled me to be truthful with Him and with myself. He has encouraged me to embrace my desires and my sexuality. Previously, I would have repressed and ignored "unacceptable" thoughts and desires. I did not trust myself, or anyone else, enough to admit or discuss my needs or fantasies. He has changed all of that, He has transformed me into a more thoughtful, accepting and reflective individual. I have grown and evolved under His guidance. I recognize that my journey is not a solitary one. This conflict has not arisen from any coersion or influence on His part, it has developed out of my own desires. Though, my greatest desire is to overcome any guilt or limitations that may hinder our path.

Floating into Darkness

I have been sick for six days. Today, I am finally beginning to feel better. The worst part was not even feeling sick, it was not being able to think. Whether it was the illness or the medication I have been taking, I have not been able to concentrate at all. My head is finally clearing, so I thought I would muddle through a post. I will try very hard to have this make sense.


This past week, being sick, I have just moved through a fog. I went to work, because I had to. I did accomplish a few mindless tasks at home, laundry, dishes, but to do more than that, I kept losing my place. I spent time sitting at the computer, but mostly just staring at the screen. I did think a lot about J, I thought about sitting at his feet with my head in his lap. That thought was comforting and reassuring to me. As of now, however, the fog is clearing and I am feeling floaty and a little disembodied, not unlike sub-space. Maybe that is why, today, I am tremendously lustful. And I don't just want sex, I want to be hurt. I want to be spanked, caned and whipped, but I also want to be caressed, rubbed and teased. I yearn to be used, objectified and humiliated. I don't even know why, that is not our usual form of play, but, tonight, I am feeling masochistic and I want Him to be sadistic with me. It is a moot point right now, since we are not together and no play is going to occur. I also know that, in reality, one good, hard strike of the cane might end my masochistic streak.

I am not a masochist. In fact, when I read about someone being whipped until they are bleeding, or being punched, or being cut, or playing with needles, I cringe. Yet, there is a part of my mind that occasionally slips into dark crevasses of desire. Perhaps it is a morbid curiosity, or maybe it is unspoken desire that I usually suppress and deny. Those thoughts may be buried and hidden, but they are there nonetheless. Before I knew J, I never would have allowed them to surface at all. Even now, it is rare, but in this fog, in this floaty state of mind they are drifting up to consciousness. I am safe with J. He keeps me safe, even from my own thoughts and inclinations. There are things I desire with Him, that would repulse me with anyone else. We connect on such a deep level, He understands things about me that I do not understand myself. He is able to shine light into those crevasses, He is giving a voice to my darkest thoughts. I am not even sure if they are wrong or if I have just been taught they are wrong. I do know that thoughts and fantasies do not have to be acted on. I also know that He has freed me to explore those thoughts safely and to discover the difference.