I have been sick for six days. Today, I am finally beginning to feel better. The worst part was not even feeling sick, it was not being able to think. Whether it was the illness or the medication I have been taking, I have not been able to concentrate at all. My head is finally clearing, so I thought I would muddle through a post. I will try very hard to have this make sense.
This past week, being sick, I have just moved through a fog. I went to work, because I had to. I did accomplish a few mindless tasks at home, laundry, dishes, but to do more than that, I kept losing my place. I spent time sitting at the computer, but mostly just staring at the screen. I did think a lot about J, I thought about sitting at his feet with my head in his lap. That thought was comforting and reassuring to me. As of now, however, the fog is clearing and I am feeling floaty and a little disembodied, not unlike sub-space. Maybe that is why, today, I am tremendously lustful. And I don't just want sex, I want to be hurt. I want to be spanked, caned and whipped, but I also want to be caressed, rubbed and teased. I yearn to be used, objectified and humiliated. I don't even know why, that is not our usual form of play, but, tonight, I am feeling masochistic and I want Him to be sadistic with me. It is a moot point right now, since we are not together and no play is going to occur. I also know that, in reality, one good, hard strike of the cane might end my masochistic streak.
I am not a masochist. In fact, when I read about someone being whipped until they are bleeding, or being punched, or being cut, or playing with needles, I cringe. Yet, there is a part of my mind that occasionally slips into dark crevasses of desire. Perhaps it is a morbid curiosity, or maybe it is unspoken desire that I usually suppress and deny. Those thoughts may be buried and hidden, but they are there nonetheless. Before I knew J, I never would have allowed them to surface at all. Even now, it is rare, but in this fog, in this floaty state of mind they are drifting up to consciousness. I am safe with J. He keeps me safe, even from my own thoughts and inclinations. There are things I desire with Him, that would repulse me with anyone else. We connect on such a deep level, He understands things about me that I do not understand myself. He is able to shine light into those crevasses, He is giving a voice to my darkest thoughts. I am not even sure if they are wrong or if I have just been taught they are wrong. I do know that thoughts and fantasies do not have to be acted on. I also know that He has freed me to explore those thoughts safely and to discover the difference.