I am still trying to understand my desires and a new awareness that has overtaken me of late. I have been fairly quiet here, I have attempted several times to write, to journal through this in a post and failed. Yet my need to put this out there, to gain some insight, to figure it all out, is strong. I know that the roadblock is within myself, I am retraining my mind to think and to learn in a way that is alien to my Western indoctrination. So, forgive me if I ramble and repeat myself, for I am just going to write as my thoughts come to me.
My thoughts and my desires continue to swirl around me and I find myself grasping little pieces of understanding from this cloud of ideas. Much of this is confusing to me, these ideas, feelings and desires are emanating from within me, yet I cannot grasp the concept as a whole. Part of me remains too rooted in the past, too conditioned, to let go and fully experience this present. Though, I also realize that this is the key. I need to just be, to accept and experience what is occurring. I am not sure my actual desire is so much for the pain, as it is for what will result from the administration and experiencing pain. I crave being used and objectified, my goal is not to be oppressed, but to be freed. My physical self is an object, nothing more, perhaps the pain and the use that I desire for my physical self is really a means to free my spiritual self. This is certainly not a new concept. For centuries, in all manor of religions and spiritualities, people have used pain to achieve transcendence.
But it is more than the pain I am craving, it is the vulnerability, the surrender. I want to completely give myself to Him. I want to let go, I want to be emptied of my own will, I want to become a vessel that fulfills His desires. We have shared this before, this ultimate exchange that I need. In those moments, when I have been able to unconditionally yield all of myself to Him, I felt myself filled with His energy, as my own power drained out of me. I have this vague image of being sacrificed on His altar. I came across a quote from Socrates: "Every pleasure or pain has a sort of rivet with which it fastens the soul to the body and pins it down and makes it corporeal, accepting as true whatever the body certifies." I want to remove that rivet, I want to break free from the body and experience a different truth.
I suppose that part of my struggle has been with classifying my desires into good or bad. The baggage from my past teaches good versus evil. Maybe there is no good or evil, maybe it is all in the context or the intent. I have been taught that certain things are bad or taboo, but what if they are just things, just acts, no classification. If I remove the restrictions of those labels, does that make everything that could occur between us acceptable? I try not to pass judgement on others, if their actions do not produce harm to anyone else, so why should I impose judgement on myself? I do believe that, at times, guilt has a purpose and a place. That said, I need to figure out when guilt should be heeded and when guilt is simply a restrictive emotion. I certainly do not feel guilt over all that we do, I have found great joy and contentment in our relationship. It is those recent thoughts and yearnings that have caused me conflict. I sometimes feel I am being lured over to the dark side. I am not ready or willing to share all of my innermost thoughts here, just believe me when I say that some of them shock and even repel me. So it is this duality within me that I am trying to resolve.
I also must add that it is the closeness and the depth of trust in my relationship with J that has brought me to this point of self-exploration. He has revealed my needs and my nature to me. He has enabled me to be truthful with Him and with myself. He has encouraged me to embrace my desires and my sexuality. Previously, I would have repressed and ignored "unacceptable" thoughts and desires. I did not trust myself, or anyone else, enough to admit or discuss my needs or fantasies. He has changed all of that, He has transformed me into a more thoughtful, accepting and reflective individual. I have grown and evolved under His guidance. I recognize that my journey is not a solitary one. This conflict has not arisen from any coersion or influence on His part, it has developed out of my own desires. Though, my greatest desire is to overcome any guilt or limitations that may hinder our path.