Sorting it all out

I have been struggling with some things for awhile. There are probably all sorts of reasons for that, the winter blues, some health and medication issues, stresses at work. For months now, I have looked at these reasons and used them to explain and excuse what I felt happening internally. I kept waiting for these feelings to pass, for my life and emotions to normalize. Instead, I felt things continue to be disconcerting, I felt off. Just as things would begin to straighten out, something else would occur and I would succumb to withdrawing into myself again.

This weekend, I felt the anxiety creep in and my control slip away. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I wanted to run away and hide. I felt afraid. The fear that crept in was something that I had not experienced in a long time. It was irrational, I tried to push it away rather than sort it all out. I didn't want to think about it or confront it. I certainly didn't understand it. Last night, I finally gave up and went to bed. I lay sleepless and felt tears flow down my cheeks. This morning, I was sick. I awoke with a migraine and nausea. As I sat, trying to just be still, thoughts came to me. Answers and reasons, revelations popped into my mind. Some things became clear to me.

The biggest and most logical explanation (one that I had been giving myself for awhile) is that I am 50, I have been experiencing some hormonal fluctuations and (gasp, dare I say it) some menopausal symptoms. However, I have had some of these before, and while my doctor told me it was due to my age and being peri-menopausal, it was actually due to thyroid cancer. The cancer now is gone (along with my thyroid) and all of those hormones and functions it controls are now regulated by a pill. In January, I found that my dosage was dangerously low. It was adjusted, I began feeling better and then a whole new set of symptoms began. So...perhaps it is menopause or perhaps it is my body adjusting to the medication changes, or both. Whatever the reason, it is playing havoc on my body and my emotions. I don't like it one bit. My revelation has nothing to do with all of that though. My revelation has to do with my way of reacting and dealing with several things.

In my past life (the one before J) I dealt with fears, stress and frustration by withdrawing, becoming independent, being private, maintaining control. There was no intimacy in my life, I didn't allow it. I could not risk being vulnerable. I was the go to person, yet, I didn't go to anyone. I had friendships, but I kept a part of me isolated. When I met J, that all changed. I developed trust, I opened up, I began to heal. I began to blog. The writing helped me understand myself, I used it to sort through things. I opened up to others, I developed friendships, I became part of a community. I revealed everything to J, but I also took a chance and revealed many things to others as well.

One of my friends (my best friend) is like a sister to me. We have known each other for 15+ years. I had always been there for her, yet I was still private, even with her. As I began to change, our friendship began to change. I opened up more, we talked more. Things shifted to become more equal between us, she was accepting and supportive. The past year for us has been difficult, as my relationship with J grew and deepened, her relationship was betrayed and crumbled. I shared less and listened more, she needed that. Since the beginning of the year, she has been struggling. She has allowed this man back into her life, knowing that he will probably only hurt her again. However, I have been struggling too, not with the same issues, but with the health issues. Except, she wasn't there for me. I can deal with that, I knew she was dealing with her own stress. The past few months, she has changed. She has continued in her toxic relationship, but she has changed her tactics. She has become spiteful, mercenary, and vengeful (not to me, but with him). She has blamed and hurt innocent people, she has lost sight of what she really wants (it has just become about revenge and winning). She engages in these things and then relates them to me and wants my approval. I cannot give it. I am honest, I try not to be judgmental, yet I call her on it. She doesn't want to be accountable, so we have gradually drifted apart. I miss her, I hear other people talking about her, the whole situation hurts me.

At work, I have been struggling to maintain a professional detachment with my clients. I work with a small group of young men, who have mental health issues and have been referred by the courts (due to criminal involvement). At times, they are all very difficult. They all face insurmountable obstacles in their lives. Despite developing a good rapport with them, they routinely become angry and resentful towards me. They also do not want to be held accountable. I cannot divulge some of the details (due to confidentiality), but several threats have been made against me by these boys (yes, they really are boys, early 20s). I continue to work with them, I have been duly cautious and despite the threats, I struggle with not getting too emotionally attached. I look at these boys (that have fallen through the cracks), I read their histories of the horrible things that have happened to them and the horrible things that they have done, it breaks my heart.

In dealing with those things (and a few others) I resorted back to old habits. I withdrew and isolated myself, even here. I have not been posting as much. I have been struggling with the vulnerability of being on-line. I have longed for women friends, ones whom I could open up to. I have had them here all along, but I have been feeling vulnerable and silent. I have been encouraged and supported by receiving comments and notes from many of you. I am sorry that I haven't always responded or responded quickly. I also want to say that through all of this, J and I are good. I have always been open and vulnerable with Him, I cannot imagine being any other way. In fact, the more I withdrew from others, the more I needed Him.

I guess what this very long rambling post is trying to say, is that I have been lurking, I have been reading. What you all have to say has helped me tremendously. I am amazed at how many of us are going through transitional periods in our lives. I am amazed at how many of your experiences and reflections resonate with me. I am here, I will try to write more, to be more vulnerable, feel free to call me on it. I do love you all. No posts next week though, J and I are going away together. I'm sure I will be better after that!

Distance

J is traveling on the other side of the country right now. He is only away for a long weekend. Even when He is home, He is about 100 miles from me. He was here recently and in a week we will be together again. Yet, this weekend, the distance is pulling at me. I miss Him incredibly. We have talked and I have sent Him several e-mails (though on the phone, He told me that the wi-fi connection at the hotel went out, so He cannot get on-line).

This is very strange and disconcerting to me. I am used to being apart from Him. I can feel His dominance and His presence even when we are apart. There have been times when we have been out of contact for much longer than this weekend. Yet, here I am, struggling without Him. When we spoke, I felt the anxiety melt away, I felt His presence slip around me like a hug. Right now though, all I can feel is the distance.

This has been a rough week. I am probably a bit hormonal and also a bit stressed. I am also anticipating spending a week with Him soon. Perhaps those are the reasons I am feeling this way. I am His pet, I know that I am, I have no fears or doubts about our relationship. I just can feel how far He is from me right now. I am almost embarrassed to admit this. I know I am being somewhat of a whiny baby. Lots of people have long distance relationships, most of them are across a far greater distance then is usually between us, some of them are across a greater distance than we are now. I am not clingy or needy, but I feel that way this weekend. Tonight, I am a child with separation anxiety.

Happy Easter and Glorious Spring

Here are some Easter bunnies for all of you. Whether you celebrate Easter , something else or nothing at all, I hope you are all enjoying this beautiful Spring day.

It has been a while since I last posted. In that time, I have taken a step back to recover from my medication issues and a case of the winter blues. I am feeling better, I have been soaking up the sunshine (at least when it peeks through the clouds) and have been recovering my strength and energy.

I've missed my interaction here and I appreciate all of your comments to me both here and privately. A recent visit from J has done me more good than months of sunshine. He always brightens my day (and often my behind). In just a few short weeks, we will have an entire week together. I am living in anticipation of that event. My daily thoughts of Him have become my meditation. My focus on my submission to Him has become my mantra. He touches and fulfills every aspect of my being, physically, mentally and spiritually. His presence is an amazing element of my life, both when we are together and when we are apart.

I have recently been blessed in many ways. I find that I am able to live in the expectation that, ultimately, things will work for the best and abundance will always have more of a place in my life than want. Enjoy the day! In the spirit of kink, here is a little peep show for you. Be well and be happy.

Expectations

I have tried to keep my half of our relationship free of expectations of Him. We have our own lives and our own circles. We communicate frequently and see each other less frequently. In a long distance relationship, most of the relationship occurs from a distance, much of the relationship occurs in my mind. That is not to say that I make up what exists for us in my mind, but it means that my thoughts of Him fill in where the distance keeps us apart.


Gillette has been writing a series of posts on trust and relationship. She makes many valid points and has touched on several reasons why my past relationships have failed. Sometimes, we see another person, not as they are, but as we want them to be. We develop expectations, we write a story in our mind of what we have shared and what it means. We impose our own desires and meanings on someone else and begin to create expectations based on that story.


As a relationship develops, it is difficult not to hold expectations. Our emotions reflect those expectations. To trust someone is to expect them to be honest with you and not to intentionally hurt you. To love someone is to feel affection for the person we perceive them to be. We may base our feelings and emotions on our interactions with that person, or a set of traits we see them as having. Our perceptions may be correct or they may be based on a misrepresentation (either one that the person has presented to us or one that we have imagined). We may choose to overlook or not notice things that clash with our perception. In our relationship story, we incorporate our expectations. We expect certain interactions, we look for the return of emotions, we begin to expect that person to meet our needs. The question becomes, what is it that we truly need? I know that I have wants and desires, I often use the word need interchangeably when referring to them. I do know that those are not needs, but when I use that word, I may be conveying a different expectation to others. I may actually be indulging myself by thinking I need more than I do.

When I communicate with J, I often tell Him I need him, or need something from Him. What I am meaning is that He (and the things that He does) prompts a content, happy and fulfilled feeling within me. I do want Him, I desire Him madly, but the fact is, my life is not contingent on Him. I sometimes read of others in long distant relationships (or sometimes any relationships), they talk about how difficult it is, that they do not get what they need from the other person. I have been asked how I stand being apart from Him and how I deal with the distance. The funny thing is, I have been in some 24/7 relationships where more distance was present than is between J and I. Would I love to have more time with Him, absolutely. Do I need to have more time with Him, no.

When we first began talking, and even after we first met in person, I was drawn to Him and I felt very attracted to Him. I did not expect our relationship to develop and deepen to the point that it has. I initially expected a much more casual relationship. When the relationship was evolving and our feelings were deepening, I worried at times. I wondered if I would begin to feel needy or jealous of His life apart from me and His other commitments that kept Him away. That has never happened. I may appear needy at times, those times that my desire and longing for Him are great, but I am really fine. I like that I can desire Him so much (sometimes to the point of obsessive thoughts), but still be okay emotionally. I accept the limitations, I accept the distance and the commitments that we both have (apart from one another). The bottom line is that thoughts of Him make me happy, so sometimes I dwell on them. It makes me happy to serve Him, to do things for Him, so I do sometimes think about what it would be like to do that all of the time. Those thoughts have never taken me to the point of thinking that I had to have that, that He will never be able to fulfill my needs due to being away.

I recently read a blog of a submissive that talked about the sacrifices she had made for her dominant. She talked about not getting enough attention from him and that she only had him, nothing else in her life. I know that everyone's dynamic is different, but I did not get the impression that he required her to be so involved. She was blaming him for not meeting the needs she had created. I resisted commenting, because I did not think that it was my place (or that she wanted to hear), but my thought was that she was suffocating him. Her idea of service to him was to cling to him and control him. There seemed to be very few boundaries that had been defined in their relationship. I do know that my views on things have been tempered by interactions with those in poly relationships. I have come to understand how they can deal with feelings of jealousy. My desire is for J to be happy, when my service to Him and my relationship with Him makes Him happy, I am a content submissive.

I am not trying to be judgmental or to tell anyone else that our way is the best way, but for me, this works. We have our lives, both apart and together. He has become very interwoven in my life apart from Him. I think of Him often, I know that my actions and decisions are influenced by Him. That has been my choice, to internalize Him so deeply within me. He does share His opinions with me and He cautions me on things, but He does not demand that I do things a certain way. I, in turn, would never presume to tell Him what to do. I do try to convey my support and my caring.

The basis for our relationship and the success of our relationship is trust. I do not remember ever trusting someone else as much as I trust J. My trust in Him was developed early on. I think there are many reasons for that. His original communication with me was very open and candid. So much so, it surprised me, but it also allowed me to know He was being honest with me. At times when I struggled to open up to Him and reveal something that was a source of shame or embarrassment, He has never reacted with shock or judgement. He is one of the most open minded people I know. He has also never given me any reason not to trust Him. Our open, honest and frequent communication has continued, I think that has prevented misunderstandings from occurring. I feel comfortable with telling Him anything that is on my mind and He is very good at asking me to share things with Him. Though much of our communication is not face to face, we have become adept at avoiding miscommunication. We both ask for clarification if things aren't clear.

I also believe that our trust and our communication have been aided by the fact that there seems to be a spiritual connection between us. I don't know how to explain it further, than to say it has been there from the beginning. It is an innate understanding and bond that has always existed for us. Despite that connection, that we both acknowledge, we don't rely on it or take it for granted. We still work hard at communication . We never assume agreement or understanding without discussion. From my own experiences, I know that assumptions and expectations can damage a relationship beyond repair. I also know that our own expectations are often doomed. I have lost past relationships to the expectation that they would last forever, I also lived a large part of my life rejecting relationships, because I did not think that they could survive at all. Now, I am savoring every moment and try not to expect much beyond today. This has worked so far, not a day goes by that He doesn't bring a joyful moment into my life.



I don't put too much stock in fairy tales, but in this one, she slays the dragon herself.

Of Shared Lives

I have been dreaming a lot lately and J is frequently prominent in my dreams. I feel His presence in my daily life always, but often, in my dreams, His presence feels more tangible. Last night I dreamt of Him again. I dreamt of my entire life, only He was there with me, as if we had always been together. I revisited places and events from my life and I saw Him there with me.

In my dream, He was an adult, as I know Him now, though I was whatever age I would have been at the time of the particular event. I dreamt of my accident, which occurred on July 11, 1961, when I was three. I could see Him there watching, not a part of the event, no one else could see Him. I heard His voice, telling me I would be safe and that I would be alright. I saw Him watching me at various times of my life, some significant and some mundane. (I was in a classroom as a teenager, then I was in a bar with friends as a young adult.) In most cases, He was standing off to the side, just observing. Other times, he was with me, He was involved. I was with Him in Oregon (where he lived at one time), we were hiking together, I looked to be about twelve. In reality, we have never been there together, in fact, I have never been there at all. I was 16, the night I lost my virginity, only He was my lover. I was 30, in an abusive marriage, I saw scenes of rape. I did not see Him, but I could feel Him there and I could hear His voice in my ear, telling me that it would be okay, that I would survive this and get out and He would be there waiting. I felt Him holding me as I sobbed afterwards. I saw my life now, only with Him here. I saw us walking the dogs, fixing dinner, sitting on the deck. As I woke up, I felt Him next to me, even though He wasn't physically there.

I have always felt as if He had known me before. I don't mean a time in this life that I just don't remember, but sometime in a past life or in a different space (not that I ever believed in that sort of thing). I feel as if we occupy a kind of sacred place together. It is because He knows me so well, our connection is so deep. It seems He has always been part of me.

I have been thinking of my past recently. I just reconnected with an old friend, I have been thinking of my father. I know those things could account for my dream, but maybe it's more than that. What if our souls have shared some astral plane? What if my mind has been opened to a reality that I wasn't aware of before? Yes, I know that sounds a little crazy, but exactly what is our reality composed of anyway? The fact is that He is a part of my reality now. He is such an integral part of my reality, that He has skewed it in some ways. He is a constant in my life, even though He is not here constantly. He knows what's in my mind, even though I do not tell Him every thought. In any case, I love spending the night cavorting through time with Him.

Thoughts of Him

Thoughts of Him fill me. They cause my soul to expand, my spirit to soar and my cunt to leak. I am enmeshed by Him, I am permeated by His essence. I cannot escape Him, nor do I want to. The distance is breached by my mental captivity and punctuated by notes and conversations. In one way or another, He is always with me.

My mind feels His constant embrace, His control and consideration influences all that I do. His voice echoes inside of me, guiding me, calming me, affirming me. My skin tingles and quivers with phantom touches of His hands. Remembrances of His caresses and pinches, exhilerate and flush me. Touches that arouse me, mold me, direct me to an outcome. Strong, sure touches of Him handling His property, managing me. Weilding His dominance to ply me and shape me.

He has developed that longing inside me. I hunger to taste Him. I ache for His hands on me, probing me, igniting the fire inside of me. I covet His pinches and slaps that inflame me and awaken me. He has conquered me. I am His; His pet, His slut, His lover, His servant. He has subdued me and bridled me. He holds me in check, yet He can still release the violent and wild streak within. He holds mastery over me. He does all of this, with my thoughts of Him.

Unconscious Mutterings

This a free association game from LunaNina. Feel free to play along in the comments, on your own blog, or in your head.

I say...and you think...

1. Pain :: yes please


2. Lego :: my Eggo


3. Trooper :: State Highway Patrol


4. Flicker :: photosharing


5. Character :: He is a


6. Determined :: resolved


7. Wing :: and a prayer


8. Control :: freak


9. Automatic :: transmission


10. Yeah :: whatever

And yes, I know that Leggo of my Eggo has two g's, but actually my first response was the picture of stepping on a lone Lego in the dark. Most parents will know what I am talking about. I couldn't really put that image into one word...unless it was "#&*!".