Friday, August 1, 2008

Submissive Journal Prompts - week of July 28th

~Define your limits. Explain why you can't or won't go past that point and try to think about things that were once limits but are not any longer.

It is hard to define my current limits, they have been changing so quickly. I want to reach the point of not having any limits with Him. Most of my limits have indeed fallen by the wayside, if we haven't already crossed them, we have discussed it and will soon. I will admit that I am not into certain things, blood, needles, cutting and the like. He is not into those things either. I am not sure how I would react if He requested those of me. I do not think it will come to pass, but I almost feel He could take me past those limits too.

I have become decidedly more masochistic as our relationship has progressed. I am not sure it is the pain that I crave, but the intensity and the surrender. Many of my fantasies are involving more severity of pain. He has introduced this to me in degrees and always seems to know exactly where the edge lies with me. He takes me to the edge and dangles me there, leaving me wanting more, after wondering if I could take what He just inflicted on me.

His latest focus (and now mine also) has been on public exposure and exhibitionism. This is a big test for my submission. While the scenarios are definitely hot, the actions are extremely hard for me. He has had me engage in some sexual behavior in public venues. He has directed me to several orgasms right at our table while dining out. I have sucked His cock in the hallway, outside of our hotel room door. He has pinched and played with my nipples (both through my top and reaching inside my top) in elevators and parking lots with people present. I have walked from His car to my front door with my ass partially exposed (and probably very red).

I know that He will continue pushing me towards more and more exposure. He enjoys that, it amuses Him. Despite it making me very nervous and embarrassed, I enjoy it too. I am working very hard on being able to do whatever He asks of me, wherever we are. I expect I am almost there. He does like teasing me though. He is constantly telling me things that He has thought of, that He might require of me. In addition to the tease factor, He does this to gauge my reaction and condition my mind to the possibility. I pay attention, as I know that most of His teasing is really not "just kidding."

~What would you advise someone brand new to this sort of lifestyle, when they are looking for a potential owner/dominant? Is there anything that you would have done differently?

I am not sure what my advice would be. I would have never expected our relationship to have progressed the way that it has. I was not expecting to find a Dominant. I did secretly hope that something may develop along those lines, but I thought it would be "down the road." However, He opened that door immediately. He brought up spanking and D/s and other interests that He had. While I was surprised, I responded in kind. He made His Dominance and His interests clear to me from the start. There is nothing that I would change, the rest is history.

What He didn't do was assume my submission to Him. He was respectful and pleasant, not demanding. In a way, He interviewed me (but did not interrogate), He felt me out, He spent time learning me. I suppose my advice would be the same that is given over and over. Just because someone is a Dominant, doesn't mean that they are your Dominant. You do not have to submit before you are ready (if at all). If someone demands that from you, run the other way. It is a power exchange, not a power grab. That power is not gained, until it is given. Also, be careful, do not meet with someone until you are sure who they are. Check, to make sure they are telling you the truth. Let someone know where you will be and who you will be with. Not everyone is safe and trustworthy. Yadayadayada, you've heard it all before.

I certainly didn't know what I wanted or what I needed. He has helped me establish that. Apparently, what I need is Him.

~Are you encouraged to use dirty talk during sexual play? How does it make you feel?

I am not necessarily encouraged, but sometimes I do. I always have.

It makes me feel sexual. It is freeing and sensual, it turns me on. I am not sure how anyone can have sex, while being prim and proper and quiet. He does encourage me to be loud though. He wants to hear me, He wants the neighbors to hear me. He likes to hear me cum, not little moans and whimpers, but screams. And yanno, I just have to obey.

~What homemaking skills do you have? Can you knit, crochet, sew, mend. quilt...?

Given the time and inclination, I could be quite the little happy homemaker. Though, I do need my "being out in the work world" fix too. I have many skills, just not enough time to indulge them. I sew, mend, quilt, do needlework, cook, garden, bake, craft, etc. I love doing those kinds of things. I am quite good at most of them. My grandmother was a seamstress, she taught me to sew on an old Singer treadle machine (when my feet barely reached the treadle). I can whip up any pattern and sometimes I do design my own. She also taught me to knit and crochet, the problem was, I never learned. She finally told me to give up on it. I guess I am way to uptight and my stitches seem to follow suit. I know how to do it, I just don't do it well.

I love quilts and I love to make them. I have a fabric fetish. I have boxes and drawers full of fabric, waiting to be made into quilts. I cannot resist collecting different colors and patterns, a yard here, a fat quarter there. I have enough to make quilts from now until I die, but then I always find something new, that I can't live without.

Cooking is a bit the same way. I could spend a fortune on pans, gadgets, and ingredients, if only I had a fortune to spend. I used to cook much more, when I had a family at home. I still like to cook and bake for people. But when it is just me, I am as likely to have a salad or a bowl of cereal for dinner. I am certainly capable of putting on quite a spread, from a backyard cook-out, to something much more elegant.

~"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."
~Marcel Proust

I am seeing things with "new eyes" all the time. Much of the reason my limits are falling away is that I am coming to view them differently. As I get older and experience more of life, I am viewing the world differently. I am seeing things for what they are and not what I have been told they are. My attitude is changing, I am becoming more open and fluid all the time. I am more accepting now than I ever was when I was younger. Old experiences are becoming new to me. I am constantly learning and reflecting.

I am also getting much better at seeing things from others' points of view. Our society, as a whole, is very judgemental and intolerant. People judge and condemn what they don't understand. Americans are very ethno-centric. Our melting pot mentality is that everyone should give up their individuality and melt into the same mold. Rather than embrace diversity, we should all be the same. This "I am right and you are wrong" way of thinking often even shows up in BDSM. I often encounter discussions where people feel compelled and justified to tell others they are practicing their kink all wrong. "If you do not do this (fill in the blank), then you are not a submissive (or a slave, or masochist, or whatever). If we cannot even be open minded in this lifestyle, then how can we be open minded in life.

Prompts are from Submissive Journal Prompts.


Paul said...

Alice, lovely post, I love your attitude.
Warm hugs,

Greenwoman said...

"I am not sure it is the pain that I crave, but the intensity and the surrender"

That's it for me too...Nice way to put it.

"It is a power exchange, not a power grab. That power is not gained, until it is given."

So many Doms just don't understand that he has to earn trust first and that this trust does not rest on laurels. It must continue to be earned.

A lovely post Alice. I thought these were really good questions this week. I was already waxing poetic in some other areas though, so I didn't answer them as you did. Blessings!!

Alice said...

Thank you Paul, I sometimes worry about coming off as too opinionated, but then I realize that I am opinionated. I just hope it is in a good way.

I liked the questions this week too. It is nice to have an occasional blogging cheat sheet.