Pay it Forward

I was quite surprised and flattered to have been given a Friendship Blogger award from Swan. I stumbled into the blogging community, over a year ago, new to the lifestyle and trying to find my way as a submissive. There are many writers online that have offered me both friendship and knowledge. The support and acceptence that I have received from them has enhanced my life as well as my journey. This award is apparently circulating around the blogosphere. The wording that accompanies it is this:

“These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers.”

The Rules to accepting this award: “Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.” There are so many that have touched me it is hard to narrow it down, but I in turn will send this forward to:

A Kind Dom (Pygar)

A View From the Top (David)

A Well Disciplined Girl (Olivia)

Ex-Courtesan in Transition (again) (Gillette)

Green Rootsdown (Shannee)

My Bottom Smarts (Bonnie)

My Dabble in the Middle End (Constance)

Submission and Metaphor (Oatmeal Girl)

This is certainly just a sampling. So many more have touched me with their words and with their friendship. Those listed above are exceptional. Pygar and David are kind enough to share their wisdom and give us a glimpse of the dominate's perspective. Olivia, Gillette, Constance and Oatmeal Girl are all bloggers worth reading and also reach out by engaging in discussion through their comments on other blogs. Bonnie is the first blogger I read and uses her blog to openly share her knowledge and offer encouragement to new bloggers. Shannee was already chosen by Swan, but she has been such a good friend to me and I cannot say enough about her writing.

Deconstruction

Over the years I built a fortress.
Brick by brick, I assembled it.
Strong, forboding, it encased my fears.
The walls hid my nature, my desires.

You found your way in.
The illusion crumbled under your gaze.
My secrets told themselves.
Piece by piece I am exposed.

You deconstruct me.
Finding that I had been dismantled, long ago.
Within my fortress,
I have been sitting in rubble.

You rend the temple curtain.
You enter the holy of holies.
You consume me.
I am swallowed whole.

My shame is laid open,
My soul is freed.
My resistance is gone.
You possess me.

Regaining our balance and losing myself

I am finally recovering from my illness and my higher dose of medication seems to be kicking in. I am beginning to feel like myself again. J was here on Tuesday, it was just what we both desperately needed, at least I know that I was feeling rather desperate for Him. We both were quite exhausted and not completely healthy. However, the intensity was greater than I have ever experienced with Him.


Of course, in my mind, I had thoughts of making the evening perfect. Feeling frazzled and the events of the day seem to curtail that. I had hoped to be ready and waiting for Him, with dinner on the table when He arrived. That didn't happen. What I discovered was that a perfect evening did not depend on my being perfectly dressed and made-up, nor having the house spotless and dinner on the table. It just entailed us being together. I find that my desires and fantasies are limited (in part) by my experiences. I have been desiring intensity, in the form of pain play. I am not even sure that I was physically up to what I had been fantasizing about. I certainly received intensity, but of a different variety. His knowledge of my body and my reactions surprise me each time we are together. The climaxes and feelings of pleasure that He can evoke from me, as well as the sensations that I have never before experienced, truly boggle my mind.


When He arrived, I clung to Him. I never wanted to let go, He felt like a lifeline to me. His physical presence made everything perfect. Everything else faded from my mind; all of the distractions, the things I did not get done, not feeling well, all became unimportant and my focus was entirely on Him. He has become my center, my place of calm and peacefulness. My greatest joy and desire is to serve Him and to belong to Him. I prepared dinner, which we shared, along with some wine. I sat at His feet, I touched Him and tasted Him. Quenching my desire and my need for Him. We engaged in some spanking and some impact play. Then He began touching me, tasting me, biting me. He demanded my climaxes, quickly, deeply, incessantly. It was so intense and fast, it drove me deep within myself. He had completely control over me, I was surrendered to Him, He consumed me. I was swept up in the waves, pulled out to sea. He spoke to me, asked me things, I heard and my mind tried to respond, but my voice was gone. It was primal, animalistic. He penetrated my body and my mind, I was bound and gagged by His dominance. He pushed me past the point of too much, past my limits, to a place of intensity I did not think was possible. I could not answer with words, only with gutteral responses, screams and moans, while I stared, from deep inside myself, out the windows of my eyes. It was completely sexual, I was a feral being. My mind was fighting to comprehend and regain control, my body was disconnected, only responding, wildly, to Him. Every touch and sensation pushed me deeper. His light caresses on the small of my back, His mouth on my inner arm, everything evoked a sexual response. I could not claw my way to the surface, He trapped me in a vortex of climaxes. He broke me open, I was exposed as He ripped orgasms out of me. I was overtaken and consumed, He fed off of me. It was violent, it was exactly where I needed to be. I am His.

Recovering

I am still around, I am beginning to feel much better. I truly appreciate all of your comments and concerns. My silence has been mainly due to exhaustion. Since my last post, I received the results of my lab work and discovered that being sick was not the only reason I was feeling so bad. J has also been less than 100%, He has been dealing with a lot of stress and pressures and fighting to stay healthy as well. The past week, I have been feeling the distance between us, I have been wishing that we could be fully present for each other. Hopefully that will occur for us very soon. Our need to be together is great. My desire and my need to serve Him has become consuming. I always feel His presence and His support, even when we are apart. My wish and my frustration is to be as present and as supportive to Him, as He always is to me.

During the past month, I have been struggling with concentration issues, they have thwarted my writing, but not my reflections. My devotion to J deepens everyday. I feel I have come to see our dynamic even more clearly, our need for each other and our relationship is very balanced. The domination and submission aspect of our dynamic is, but one part of our relationship. At the core is our love and our caring for each other. My ability to trust Him completely has freed me from so much. My entire attitude has changed, I see my past as not being something that I needed to overcome, but something that prepared me for my relationship with J. I am much more able to recognize how exceptional He is and appreciate what he offers to me, because of how lacking my other relationships were. For so long, I yearned for a connection, yet I didn't know exactly what it would be and truly doubted the possibility of ever finding it. His presence, His domination and His truthful and caring wisdom, have allowed me to become a better person in all areas of my life. He gives me a purpose, not just in my submission to Him, but He helps me define my purpose in everything.

Constance recently wrote a post about courage. Her post helped me realize that J has helped me find the courage to move beyond my fears and fully explore my needs and desires. Many of the coping mechanisms that I had employed to get to where I was, were actually hindering me from achieving what I wanted to be. J has given me the strength to open myself to vulnerability. I feel extremely lucky and blessed to have found a person so perfect and suited for me. I also am grateful to the people and the community I have found online. My growth and my self-actualization have been nurtured and aided by all of you too. I do hope this is making sense, because I am still having trouble expressing my thoughts. I have great anticipation for what this year will bring.

Under the Weather

This week, I have been under the weather in more ways than one. We had the Great White Death move through the area, leaving a frozen tundra in its wake. I have also been sick. Today is much warmer and everything is thawing out. I hope this is a sign that my body will be recovering soon as well.

Last night, while we were chatting, J told me to turn on my webcam, He wanted to see me. I sat there, in an old flannel shirt, sweat pants, a drippy, red nose and uncombed hair, certainly not the picture of beauty or sexiness. Yet, I turned on the camera, just as He had requested. He has seen me at my best and my worst, but He always makes me feel loved, accepted, and yes, beautiful.

Love, Trust and Submission

Greenwoman recently wrote a post on this topic.

Do you think that subs confuse submission with love? Is it possible to need to submit because love is there? Is it possible to love someone because they submit?

Do you think Doms confuse Dominance with love? Is it possible to need to be dominant because love is there? Is it possible to love someone because you control them?

From The Thinking Dominant.

Her thoughts on this were excellent, if you haven't read her post, you should go and do that now. I went back several times and started to comment, but I decided that my feelings on this, and the length and personal nature of what I had to say, warranted writing a post of my own. I also found myself waffling on my own answer, I think that a lot depends on the definition that you give to dominance and submission. When I first began to explore all of this, I thought that my giving in to someone was the same as submitting. I didn't see much difference between bottoming and submission. I didn't see love as a necessary component at all. As long as trust and communication were there, it was all good and doable. That was before I entered into a true power exchange.

Looking back, it was a chicken or the egg situation. The more I trusted J and the more I communicated with Him, the more intimacy we shared. I am not really even sure when I began loving Him, one day, I just knew I did. Whether my love enabled me to submit more deeply, or the intimacy created by my submission allowed me to love Him, I'm not sure. It all just evolved. It continues to evolve. Each day, I love Him more. Each day, I strive to surrender to Him more. I do remember worrying. I was afraid that my love might not be returned. I was afraid that it would be perceived as being needy or demanding. I had worked very hard at keeping certain boundaries in place and loving Him was crossing the line (in my mind). I was wrong. I was using my past relationships and experiences as the precedent, as my guideline. In my past, any love I received was bound by conditions and stipulations. It was fraught with expectations and dependent on the situation. I remember being told; "If you do not fill in the blank, I will not love you anymore." Things are very different with J, I am loved and I know I am loved. I do not have to be perfect, I only have to be me.

I know that all of what I have written above, does not answer the questions at hand. It does give my perspective, where I am coming from.

To answer the questions, I think that we have to remember that D/s relationships are still relationships. The power exchange can complicate things, but underneath it all, it is a connection between two people. Yes, I think that subs can confuse submission with love. Just as some women can confuse being sexually intimate with love, submitting is an act of intimacy, it can be confusing. Intimacy and love are different, you can be intimate without being in love. I am not so sure that you can be in love without sharing some form of intimacy. Intimacy is a deeply personal connection, it is not the same as sex or love, but I think that it greatly improves both of them.

I do not think that love creates a need to submit. I think that the propensity for submission is either there or it isn't. It is not something love can create. I will concede that someone might need to be in love to be able to submit, but I think that the inclination must already be present. Love and submission are two different things and are not necessarily tied into each other. I don't believe it is possible to love someone just because they submit. I think that there must be more of a basis for love to be sustained. Submission can be a part of that, but it cannot be the whole.

I don't really feel qualified to answer the questions from the Dominant's perspective. Though I do think that the same principles apply. Dominance and control are not enough to sustain love. If that is the only reason you love someone, then it is probably not love.

Love has many facets, it encompasses a wide range of actions and emotions. I cannot speak for men, but for women, I think it can be easy to confuse other feelings with love. I may draw a lot of fire or criticism for what I am about to say, but it always concerns me when I read of submissive women pledging their love and surrender to someone they have never met in person. Especially, when their online interaction has only been going on for a few months. Our imaginations and our minds can be powerful. Our fantasies can seem very real, but I can tell you from experience, that fantasy and reality are very different. Submitting or being spanked or whipped can be completely different when experienced in person.

In my own experiences, reality, with J, has been wonderful, more intense, more intimate, but that may not always be the case. I have been in other relationships where reality simply failed the test. What had existed in my mind, what I had fantasized about, did not occur. Maybe the trust was not there, maybe there wasn't enough communication, maybe my submission was lacking, whatever the reason, the experience did not live up to my fantasies. With J, my experiences have always surpassed the fantasies. He has freed me, He releases me, I continually want to give Him more. He pushes me, He has taken me past all of my limits, He stretches my submission, He demands answers to hard questions. Yet, He is gentle with my psyche, I know I am safe and cared for. His dominance offers me the strength and the security that I need.

Delurking on my own blog

I am still around and I am well. I have been reading all of the other blogs that I read, but I haven't been commenting much nor have I been posting here. I am not sure why, other than my mind has been a swirl of thoughts and I can't get them to stop swirling long enough to put them down in a coherent manner. Perhaps it is the winter cold, or my mental forays into my past and thinking about how that ties into my present. Maybe it is just my post-holiday tiredness. Although I have thought about many topics, my mind wanders off before I can make a point or draw a conclusion. I have been organized and ordered enough to go to work, then come home to cook and clean, take care of doggies and occasionally grandchildren. There just hasn't been much leftover when it comes to writing, as Austin Powers would say, "I've lost my mojo, baby." So, in an attempt to get back in the groove (so to speak), I am going to write about my beginnings with J.

In the spring of 2007, I caved in to the pressure of some of my friends and co-workers and I put up a page on a social networking site (Yes, it was My Space). I wasn't into the whole adding friends and leaving comments sort of thing, but I did start blogging there. Most of what I wrote had a political slant with a little social commentary mixed in. Everything I wrote had a chip on my shoulder kind of air to it, but in spite of that, I began getting messages from other people. Given the statistical odds, about half of those people were men. And given the nature of that site, more than half of those men were looking for women.

At that point in my life, I had been single, dateless and celibate for a long time. There was a reason for that, my past relationships (especially my last marriage) had left me not only with a bad taste in my mouth, but a damaged psyche as well. It made me fiercely independent, cynical and solitary. As much as the men I heard from did not interest me, I realized that maybe meeting someone, for a casual type of relationship, did interest me. That summer, I put a profile on a (vanilla) dating site. On my profile, I confirmed that I was not looking for a particularly serious relationship, that I was very independent and I also included a minuscule reference to possible kinkiness. Again, I was not very intrigued by the men that messaged me.

It was in browsing through profiles that I came across J. His profile was brief, but well-written. It reflected similar (vanilla) interests and a location that was not too close (though not too far). I sent Him a short message expressing interest and requesting a little more information. His reply is what captured me (literally). He responded specifically to things I had written in my profile. He was clearly intelligent, funny, disarmingly honest and He brought up His interest in D/s and spanking. Though I was a bit surprised (and taken aback) by his candidness, I was also very intrigued and drawn to Him. We began corresponding online and talking on the phone, within a couple of exchanges I felt very submissive towards Him.

I had never encountered a man like Him. He was naturally dominant (whatever that is) and He seemed to have known me my entire life. It was as if He could read my mind, He just knew me. I never questioned my ability to trust Him, nor His ability to lead me. I felt cared for, safe and submissive. In less than two months, we met. Being with Him in person, only confirmed everything I had been feeling. That was a year and a half ago. In that time, I have only become more enamoured with Him, more trusting, more cared for, and very much in love. I have told Him things I have never told anyone. Things that I thought made me too needy, too high maintenance, too damaged. Nothing fazed Him, not my insecurities, my confessions, nor my past. He has exorcised my demons, He has healed me, He has made me His. Even the distance (that was originally my safety net), has not adversely affected us. I feel close to Him always, even when we are apart. He has become part of me, His presence is inside of me.

He has freed me, so He can possess me. He has healed me, so He can see me shed tears. He has strengthened me, so I can surrender to Him. The casual relationship that I was seeking has snared my soul. Surely, we have shared past lives, for He is my twin flame. For someone who has never believed in soulmates, I have had to rethink and temper my whole philosophy. In J, I have found what I never even knew existed.



Ain't No Other Man ~ Christina Aguilera