Thursday, June 19, 2008

Fears

Each time a new fantasy comes into my mind, or I consider a fantasy that He has shared, I wonder if it will truly become a desire. Each time, after due consideration and several replays, it does. He has always encouraged me to open my mind to Him. He wants to know my desires and fantasies. Even those of the darkest nature, that I may never want to actually realize. Though most of the time, my own fantasies tend to focus on what we have already engaged in and those things we have talked about. My mind tends to only operate a few steps ahead of where we are. I believe that this is my own method of preparation for what will come next. When I reach a certain level of acceptance and comfort in my mind, I know I will be able to fully participate.


He does, at times, push me to do things that are outside my comfort zone. Those things usually involve a risk of public discovery/exposure or uncomfortable things that may tie into my past. I am able to meet His demands, because I trust Him to always keep me safe and watch over me in those situations. I know that He will never do anything to harm or damage me. I have always been sure that He values me. His care and concern is always apparent. Despite my rather enlightened approach toward social correctness, and His reassuring actions and attitude, I am a bit surprised to find that I am not immune to the religious and cultural dogma of my upbringing.


I am always amazed and somewhat validated, that as I start to deeply ponder our journey, I find my thoughts reflected in other posts that I read. Swan wrote a post on guilt related to BDSM which resonated with my thoughts. Though, I don't encounter guilt per se regarding what we do, I have enough remnants of my past and effects of the social stigma she refers to, that I sometimes have some qualms about what my reactions (and His) will be. My recent anxieties and concerns have surprised me, I thought I had silenced that voice of propriety in my head.


I have never held tightly to social conventions. I see societal constructs as the sham that they are. Even as a teenager, I conformed where it was necessary and deviated from the rest. At age 16, I made a conscience decision to relinquish my virginity. I did not believe it was some holy chalice which held my worth and virtue. I had enough sense to know that who I was, and my value as that person, was not defined by an intact hymen. With that knowledge in hand, I purposely shed my virginity to free myself from that societal myth. By doing so, I freed myself to explore my sexuality. I awakened a desire to please myself and my partners. I set to the task of discovery and learning. I experimented with all kinds of sex, but BDSM was off of my radar, I was unaware of its existence. What I did desire was a power exchange, however, I did not know how to achieve that dynamic. I think this is true for many young women, good girls seem to be drawn to bad boys. While it may seem that the element of danger is the appeal, I think it is more about the power. Swan eloquently expressed this when she said; Power is sexy. Power is erotic. Power is hot. If I give my power, if it is taken and used to move me in ways I cannot control or direct, that can give my partner and I, both, a huge arena in which to explore our sexual natures.


My initial desire and foray into BDSM was strictly D/s. Activities of a more severe and intense nature were placed on my list of limitations. I did not feel they were wrong, they were just not for me. As our relationship has evolved and my experiences have broadened my horizons, I have come to crave and need more pain and more intensity. This is more than a physical evolution, our explorations have prompted a spiritual awakening and awareness in me, which has been both freeing and healing. I desire to engage in anything He asks of me, I have been wanting to experience more and more. I crave His use of me, I need to totally succumb to His control.

Yet, there are things that He "puts out there" (not demands, merely ideas), that result in an "Oh shit!" reaction in my mind. I know, not a very submissive response. Though, at the same time my mind is rebelling, my cunt is dripping. After some time has passed, my mind adjusts and His ideas become my fantasies, just waiting to be acted on. Recently however, I was faced with the thought that I may have found a true limit. He shared a fantasy: I've had a fantasy of finding a group of men to fuck you in every hole... To tease you and play with you and overwhelm you with sensation... To serve you as living sex toys. More than any one man can. My "Oh shit" reaction was not there, instead, my mind screamed "NO!" My reply was short: I don't know if I could do that yet. I have found this same scenario rather hot and sexy, when it happened to someone else. Considering it, with me being the main character, caused huge concerns and fears. I knew that He would never require that of me without much prior discussion. I knew that He was simply planting another seed of fantasy in my mind. I was not sure that this was a seed that could ever take root. I could not express that to Him at the time. I was not even sure what my biggest fear or objection was. What I wanted to say was, I don't need other men, I don't want other men. That was the truth, but I don't need another woman either, yet I am looking forward to that eventually happening.

What I did know was that small inner voices started telling me things. Voicing objections that I knew were untrue. Telling me things like; if you would do that, He would not want you anymore and you are too needy, He is giving you away to other men. I knew these were lies, I knew this was a case of trusting Him to know and care for me, more than I know and care for myself. I understand that He would never request anything from me that would diminish my worth in His eyes. Yet, in all of this knowledge and trust and caring, the voices persisted. Then I read Swan's post, and I realized that I wasn't as exempt from the social stigma as I thought. My sexual coming of age occurred at the same time as hers. I breathed that same air, that air filled with judgement and pseudo-religious doctrine. And though I had rejected it and pursued my own path and beliefs, that dogma haunted me with the voices in my head.

Armed with the new outlook that I obtained from her post, I dissected the lies that were whispering inside my mind. My biggest fear was that our relationship would be damaged. I acknowledge that I am His slut and whore, but playing with other men would make me a slut and whore. Those utterances from my youth testified that men discard whores. I do not really believe that, but that was the faulty logic that the voices from my past were preaching. My fears are not gone, but I have gotten to their root. I still view this fantasy with some consternation. I do know if this is a fantasy He chooses to pursue, it will become my fantasy too. If He desires it, I will submit to it, willingly, without fear of damage. My desire is to completely surrender to Him. My fantasy is His complete possession of me. I believe that is His desire as well. We will attain that, in whatever manner He decides it is best achieved.

3 comments:

Greenwoman said...

*smiles* I enjoyed your meander through the evolution you've been experiencing of your deepening submission and the spiritual awakening that has gone with it.

I am looking forward to more. ((hugs))

swan said...

Alice -- Congratulations on the continued learning. I am glad to have had a hand in helping you along.

hugs, swan

Alice said...

Shannee, Swan,

Both of you have given me insight and provoked me to reflect and examine myself and my journey. It has been quite an evolution and an involution as well. I am aware that this is only the beginning and I am very curious to see where this may take me. I so appreciate your honesty and openess in sharing your experiences.

I have just recently realized that this is a lifetime path and not a journey I will ever complete. Thanks for accompanying and guiding me for a part of it.

*big smile* Alice