Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Submissive Journal Prompts - Week of June 2

~Do you feel there is a learning curve in slavery? Do you feel you have to unlearn certain things that society has taught you?

As I am not a slave, I will answer this from a submissive stand point, though there may not be much of a difference. I do not view this as much as a learning curve as I do a re-education. As much as I try to resist succumbing to societal norms and pressures, I find that it is impossible to be totally immuned. As my submission deepens and He leads me farther into it, I am better able to eschew the limitations and mores that society embraces. The greater the gratification and the wholeness that I can achieve by submitting, the less reservations and hesitations seem to effect my reactions and behavior. While this seems to be a selfish way of dealing with it, I find that as my own needs are met through submission and surrender, the better integrated the different facets of my life become. This thread takes me back to my previous post, regarding how this whole process is reciprocative and interdependent on the give and take of both parties involved. Even as a slave or submissive, we really wouldn't do this if it did not meet any of our needs or desires.

While mainstream society does not understand or approve of BDSM relationships, all relationships involve some sort of power exchange. In order to function in society, we give up some of our rights and wants. We submit to the laws and policies of government, we submit to the authority of our boss, teacher, or parent, in order to maintain a semblance of harmony and public order, or at least the illusion of it. What we gain from our submission and surrender in a D/s or M/s relationship, is much more real and satisfying than what we gain by being obedient citizens. In a way, society trains us to submit, but only in a broader, more acceptable context. At the same time, society condemns our submission to another, though it is much more consensual and satisfying.

~“There’s only one thing greater than my fear- that is my love. My love will always conquer my fear- but it can’t do it immediately. It needs the full force of my love to do it and it takes days for that to emerge out of its dark hiding places.” -John Middleton Murry

This relates to another thread of discussion that I have been seeing on many blogs and sites. The question of "do you need to love someone in order to submit?" Let me replace the word love with trust. While in non-consensual situations, people submit from fear and not trust, in consensual D/s and M/s relationships, trust is necessary for submission to be complete. That trust, and the emotional connection that comes of it, can certainly develop into love, but the trust must be established. Conversely, it is possible to love someone without the trust that is necessary to submit. It is trust that will overcome and banish any fears or doubts that impede submission.

~What do you consider ’slutty’ behavior? Are you encouraged to act slutty? How does slutty behavior (either by yourself or others) make you feel?

Slutty behavior is a bit of a double edged sword. On one hand, it implies the word slut, which by definition is:
1402, "a dirty, slovenly, or untidy woman," probably cognate with dialectal Ger. Schlutt "slovenly woman," dialectal Swed. slata "idle woman, slut," and Du. slodder "slut," but the ultimate origin is doubtful. Chaucer uses sluttish (c.1386) in ref. to the appearance of an untidy man. Also "a kitchen maid, a drudge." Meaning "woman of loose character, bold hussy" is attested from c.1450; playful use of the word, without implication of loose morals, is attested from 1664. ("Our little girl Susan is a most admirable slut, and pleases us mightily." [Pepys, diary, Feb. 21, 1664])

Sometimes used 19c. as a euphemism for bitch to describe a female dog. There is a group of North Sea Gmc. words in sl- that mean "sloppy," and also "slovenly woman," and that tend to evolve toward "woman of loose morals."
Online Etymology Dictionary, © 2001 Douglas Harper

While this definition acknowledges a playful sense of the word, it is overall, quite derogatory. I am His slut, but I am not anyone's slut. I do not consider myself to be promiscuous, I engage in many types of sexual behavior with Him, that I would never consent to with anyone else. I am normally quite conservative in my manner and my dress. For Him though, I want to be willing to demonstrate my submissiveness, even if that extends to acting or dressing provocatively. In that context, I define 'slutty' behavior as being openly sexual and willingly obedient.

He does encourage this type of slutty behavior, He enjoys His control, especially when pushing my 'comfort zone.' He also likes to demonstrate and show off His possession of me. This encouragement is contingent on the situation and setting we are in. He would not encourage it in a situation where it was completely inappropriate or offensive, nor is it brazenly encouraged, as in complete exposure in a crowded bar. What He does encourage is my blatant sensuality, including discreet sexual acts (including climaxes) in public, adult settings.

My reactions and feelings from this vary. It challenges my modesty and the risk of exposure and discovery can and do result in embarrassment. It also results in an extreme feeling of submissiveness and being controlled. Despite the embarrassment and reluctance that I may experience, it also leaves me incredibly turned on and horny. When He tests my limits in this way, I am left with a deeper desire to surrender to Him and a sharpened focus on Him and His desires.

~How does your body image impact your sexual identity?

I believe that our body images have very little to do with our actual appearances. Anorexic women believe they are fat, regardless of how emaciated they become. Our body image is shaped by our own comfort level with ourselves. Many beautiful and perfectly proportioned women do not feel comfortable or confident in their own skin. This is reflected in society's obsession with achieving perfection through beauty treatments and plastic surgery.

My own appearance is far from perfect. Yet, I am comfortable with the way I look and am comfortable in my own sexuality. As much as I would like to say that looks do not matter, they do. There are certainly things I would like to improve on myself, and those things probably impact my confidence as well. Though, I honestly find the sexiest people to be those that are confident and sensual, regardless of their body type. It is more of an attitude that they embrace. Of course, intelligence and humor are absolutely required for me to be attracted to someone. My own attitude is that I feel attractive and sensual, my appearance does not hinder my sexual enjoyment or my sexual identity. I think that my sexuality has been enhanced and shaped more by my submissiveness than by my body image. It is a mindset and a willingness that allows me to project confidence and self-assurance.

Link back to Journal Prompts.


Paul said...

Alice, very good post.
Great exposition a submissives viewpoint,
While not disagreeing with you, I believe that you undervalue love in a D/s relationship and of course communication without these two how does trust grow.
Love, trust and communicating the three legs on which any relationship must stand, whether it be D/s or M/s or indeed vanilla.
Warm hugs,

Alice said...

I did not mean to discount love or communication. I believe trust grows from good communication, and love can grow from there. I do believe that in D/s interactions, that trust is the key. When submitting to restraint or any kind of discipline and pain, I must completely trust someone. The three are certainly all important. With J and I though, trust was established early on. We have always been open and honest with each other. That trust and communication have been vital to fostering the emotional and spiritual side of our relationship.

I have however, experienced love without the sake of trust. I suppose it is out of my past experiences, that I have come to value trust so highly. In fact before J, I have never trusted anyone this much. His trustworthiness is what has earned him my devotion.

Greenwoman said...

I could have written this post. *smiles* I don't think there's one thing we disagree on. Thanks for sharing your viewpoints. Blessings!!!

Alice said...

I find you to be a kindred spirit in many of your posts too. I love the connection that can be established online, especially through the bloggers. ((Big Hug))

Rose said...

Alice your comments on "body Image" are right on. And even though i am comfortable with who I am and enjoy my sexuality I still work on that constant eating healthy and excercising to lose just a bit more. But everything you said is exactly true!!! Sometimes Society just sucks. LOL

Adlscot said...


The only thing I will have to take issue with is the the a Submissive is similar to a slave. They are not. One is a partner, one is a possession. I am currently being assessed for a life of slavery. It is very different. I will be giving up my free will.If your dominant told you to give up your job you would have a say so in that. If your dominant told you your new job was as a prostitute you might think he was mad. If he told you to hand over ever penny you earned you would be by now considering a new partner. The slave has no such say so. They obey. The learning curve applies more to the submissive than the slave. The slave should just obey. Both however require love. If I did not love my Mistress (when submissive) or owner (when a slave) why would I want to do these things for them. I have to through love.

Having said that.....the true masochist (not me) may not require love to go through hardship. The hardship or pain is their goal anyway...

Alice said...

I was not trying to say that a slave and a submissive are the same, only that both viewpoints require a re-education to reject what society deems acceptable. And that the power exchange must in some way meet a nees that both the slave and submissive have within them.

I disagree that love is required. Perhaps for some people it is, but the desire to turn over control to another can also be a response to our own need. Though love may make that easier to do.

I also do not classify myself as a true masochist, but my masochistic tendencies are not driven by a need for pain or hardship. They stem from a desire to experience the pleasure response that can be achieved, when pain and arousal are combined.

Welcome to the blog and thank you for your comments and viewpoints. I believe we all learn and grow by hearing how others regard these activities and lifestyles we engage in.