Thursday, June 26, 2008

Submissive Journal Prompts - week of June 23

~Are you in a long distance relationship? How do you keep the feeling of submission alive over the miles?

We do have a long distance relationship. I have never felt it was a problem to keep my feeling of submission alive. We talk and exchange messages almost daily, sometimes several times a day. I use the blog as a communication of sorts, I know He checks and reads it everyday. He does occasionally give me assignments. Mostly though, He dominates my thoughts. I think of Him constantly. I consider Him as I write, I gauge what I think His response will be. I do not censor what I write, but I am aware of Him during the writing process. Beyond that, I incorporate Him into my daily life in my mind. I make mental notes of things I want to tell Him and share with Him. I think of things I want to discuss and get His opinion on. I fantasize about Him, replaying past scenes and imagining future scenes and desires that we have discussed.

At the start of our relationship, there were times when I would struggle, not with my submission, but my insecurities. I worried about submitting enough, I wondered about being pleasing to Him. I wondered how I compared to others He had played with and wondered how long things would last for us. I did at times express my concerns, but I did not want to appear needy or clingy. Time and circumstances have banished my concerns. He has always been affirming and attentive, even from a distance. I know I am cared for and appreciated. I know I can be open and honest with Him and He will give me an honest response.

I have given myself to Him, I do not want or need anyone else. I acknowledge that our circumstances limit our relationship. I am fine with those limitations, I can accept the restrictions, because I know I occupy a part of His life and thoughts. I have no problem accepting my place, my role in things. I do not feel that our relationship is unbalanced or one-sided. We both value our relationship, we are extremely important to each other. Yet we both have separate lives and responsibilities. He is supportive and concerned, but I would never expect or want Him to be responsible for my life outside of our relationship. I hope I am as supportive and concerned with Him. As the depth of our commitment and feelings for each other has deepened, we share more with each other of our separate lives, but they remain separate. This works very well for us.

~How do you feel about public displays of affection? discipline? play?

My feelings on this have changed quite a bit. I have never been a fan of public displays of any kind. I now want everyone to know I am His. We are not overly demonstrative, but I love when He touches me or kisses me in public.

I have not received discipline (i.e. punishment), in public, or otherwise. I have certainly not been perfect, if He chose to discipline me I am sure He could find something that warranted it. He has not desired this or found a need. I do not engage in brat behavior, I do try to be pleasing to Him. We are very connected on a deep psychological level, administering discipline could not make me more submissive or obedient.

We do not engage in public play via events or groups. We have discussed public exposure and public sex. We have dabbled in that a bit. I have a remote control, butterfly vibe that I have worn on a lunch date with Him. My first public (though discreet) orgasm was in Applebee's during their lunch rush. He now can talk me into an orgasm. He directs me with His voice, telling me what to feel, what to imagine is being done to me. My second public orgasm was achieved that way in a neighborhood bar (and though I thought I was just as discreet, it was spotted by another patron). He had me touch myself on that occasion too. I have also bent down and sucked His cock in the hallway outside our room at the Radisson. He knows this is difficult for me, as I am not an exhibitionist, but then again, I didn't used to be a masochist either. LOL (I highly doubt that I am a masochist now, but I do crave pain from Him.)

~What has been your greatest personal victory in your life?

Wow, this one is really hard to decide on. I feel I am blessed and proud to have had many victories in my life. I am a single mom and raised two boys alone. I have gone from being on public assistance (after my divorce) to owning my own home. I am a cancer survivor (though that is not through any efforts on my own, my doctor is great). I think if I had to choose one thing, it would be returning to school to finish my degree. I dropped out of college at age 20 to get married (yes, I know how stupid that was) and returned at age 47. I am still working on it, it will take me 4 years to complete what should have been two. I have plans to continue, in order to obtain my Masters, when I am done. I have no regrets about dropping out years ago, I am who I am, due to the life I have led. I have continued to work full time, while taking half to full-time credit hours. I have learned much more than I ever would have when I was younger. I have done exceptionally well, almost a 4.0 (two B's). I had mostly electives to complete and have taken a variety of courses and indulged my lust for learning. And when I finally walk, to get that piece of paper, HUGE party at my house, every one's invited.

~What has been your greatest disappointment in your life?

I cannot claim to have never been disappointed, but I do not like to hang on to regret. Things happen, most of the bad things have made me stronger. So, nothing here of a personal nature.

I do have a related rant of a political nature. If you hate politics or are a right-wing Republican, stop reading now.

I am extremely disappointed in our government. I am sad and outraged to know how our rights and freedoms have been eroded. The Constitution has been ravaged, the document that was the structure and foundation of our country has been desecrated. People are being locked up with no due process or access to an attorney. We were led into an unjust war through lies and fears. Dollars that should have been spent on feeding and educating our country's children have been stolen to buy guns and bombs. Military contracts were awarded to friends and cronies, leaving our young fighting men ill-equipped, poorly protected, and without clean drinking water. Those same soldiers, when shipped home broken, have been hastily pushed out of the military, to keep from paying their medical bills (and often disability). I am equally disappointed in the Democrats, who stood by and allowed it to happen. Who have not upheld their duty to defend the Constitution. Impeachment proceedings should have occurred long ago. I am disappointed in our citizenry, who have not become outraged and demanded things to stop. Who don't care if our personal freedoms are lost, because so far it is only happening to someone who's name they cannot pronounce. I am disappointed that more people are motivated to vote for American Idol, than for our elected officials. That, dear readers, is the greatest disappointment in my life.

You have the power to change things - VOTE.

~Does your owner require you to be mindful or focused in your service? How do you focus yourself?

He appreciates me being focused. It is not required per se, but He just has to tell me and I will focus on the task at hand. We are not 24/7, I am sure that makes things very different and easier to be focused. Though, I wish I had more opportunity to serve and please Him. I do feel His is the focus of my thoughts, most of the time, and my total focus when I am with Him.

*Questions are from Submissive Journal Prompts

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