Restless

I am feeling very restless lately. I am aware of some of the reasons for this. There have been many changes recently, some good and some bad.

My assignment has changed at work and the new unit I am in is not getting the support we need. So far, it has not been a huge problem, but it could be. I am all about trying to avoid problems, rather than trying to fix them later, so this has been a source of irritation for me.

My son is wanting to start school in a few months, I support him in this, but the school is prohibitively expensive. I am not sure we will be able to work it out. This fact has made me uncharacteristically resentful. I resent that his father is a deadbeat that has never (and never will) contribute to his support or his life in any way.

I have been having major work done around the house. It is badly needed and I am blessed to have worked out the financing to get it done. However, even with the financing, it has strained my finances once again.

I hate feeling this way. I like the status quo that usually exists in my life. I also recognize that change can be very good and that any problems are just fleeting. There is more to it though, I remember feeling this way a year ago. Those feelings are part of what prompted me to send J that first message. That restlessness, the hopefulness, needing a change. Little did I know what would come out of that message. I could have never anticipated how life changing this last year would be. He has been the catalyst for so many changes within me. He has met so many of my needs, even ones that I was not aware of. He has grounded me and enabled me to remain calm and sane through the events of the past year. He has given me new perspective and wrestled me away from some of the strongholds that held me captive. He remains my focus now, as I am finding my way through the current mind field of changes.

He is a calming force for me. Even as He has led me through my limits and helped me face my demons, I have generally been calm and rooted. I am grateful for His presence. As I was talking to a friend of mine about some of my current concerns, she told me, "you will be okay." then she said, "I always thought you were so strong and independent, but now I realize that was only a front." She is so right. It was a front, but one that I maintained for so long that I came to believe it. It is nice to have relinquished that front. It is particularly nice to be able to show my vulnerability to Him.

We will be together in two days. I am sure that is part of my restlessness as well. I need Him, I am eager for Him. I have been adrift, distractable, and a bit fragmented. I need His touch, I need to be spanked and strapped. When He is done with me, I will be better. I will be reintegrated and realigned. I also need to touch Him, I need to touch and taste and smell Him. He is my reality, He defines me. I am in need of a little redefining.

Sometimes, I ponder on our relationship. I am His sub, it is my role to serve Him and please Him. Yet, I recognize that it is my needs that are being met, that I am the one receiving so much. I know that the relationship is a give and take, but sometimes I feel I do not give enough. I feel that even if I give Him everything, it will never equal what I receive. It makes me want to give Him more, to give Him everything. The more I give, the more I heal, the stronger I become. It is that cyclical nature that creates the upward spiral that will lift me above my restlessness. I am looking forward to being with Him, I need to be near Him.

My refuge

There is so much more to our relationship than D/s. We share a deep friendship and respect for each other. We understand each other. We share many vanilla interests. Maybe all of those things are necessary for a D/s relationship, I don't even know. I do know, that He is my friend, even ahead of being my Dominant. I believe that His friendship is timeless and notwithstanding His Domination or my submission. I do know that I could not submit to Him as deeply as I do, if I was not sure that He cared for and embraced me as my whole person. Throughout my day I think of Him and remember things I want to share with Him. I see and hear things that remind me of Him. I am stronger and more static, because of Him.

I do always feel submissive to Him. I feel safe and protected and valued by Him. I respect and admire Him more than He will ever know. I know He is not perfect, I know He is vulnerable to the same frustrations and annoyances as everyone is, but He is perfect for me. I love learning more of Him. His likes and dislikes, His background, things that shaped Him and made Him who He is. When we are apart, I miss Him. I miss His voice, His observations, His humor. I love the fact that I can be myself with Him, I can vent and rant, I can voice my opinions, I can make mistakes, I can be vulnerable. It is hard for me to be so open with anyone. I suppose I am afraid of being judged or hurt. I do not have to be afraid with Him.

I belong to Him. I need His possession of me. He told me tonight, that I am His refuge. What a perfect way to put it, He is absolutely a refuge for me. He is my shelter, my escape, my retreat. The whole me, not just the submissive me. Though, my submission to Him has become my whole. He is everything that I need, in all aspects of my being.


You and me - Plain White T's

Walk on the wild side

When we first began to talk, I had a list of hard limits. I had no intention of crossing them, nor did I even understand the appeal that anyone saw in them. I was not judging others' kinks, I just didn't get it. Some of them involved deep fears I held concerning certain activities, other things I found to be distasteful. Even as He accepted my limits, He told me that He expected me to eventually ask Him for some of those things. I was sure that would never happen.

Over the past year, I have asked Him for almost all of those things. My fears have been abolished by my trust. I have come to crave His control over me. I desire to put myself completely in His hands, I desire to demonstrate the depth of my trust, both to Him and to myself. He has encouraged me to let my mind go, to explore and to share with Him my darkest fantasies. At times it has been difficult to share those, to even verbalize what lurks in the recesses of my mind. Yet I have, there is nothing that I can withhold from Him. Sometimes, I have only told Him in a whisper, other times I have written down my thoughts for Him. I have been afraid at times, that He might view me with disdain, that He might react from a place of propriety. Instead, He has validated me in every way, He has acknowledged my fears and embraced my trust.

I could not accept and embody my desires with anyone but Him. I understand things now. Asking for these things with Him has confirmed my trust, my belonging to Him. I have broken free from my past with His help. I have exorcised my demons by embracing the very things they threatened me with. We have yet to act on all of my requests, but I know that we will.

I have come to long for the feel of His hand on my throat. Knowing that He controls me, trusting Him with my life and knowing that I am completely safe in His hands. Rather than terrifying me, His grip offers me security.

I desire being marked by His piss, knowing that it is not degrading or humiliating, but freeing. Affirming that I belong to Him, attesting to my submission.

I am no longer afraid to open myself to including others in our play. I will accept whatever He desires. Knowing that I can do that and still be completely His.

I anxiously await being pierced. Wanting to wear His jewelry through my flesh. Signifying that I am always His.

I have confessed to Him my fantasies surrounding knife play. Wanting to feel the steel against my skin, desiring the pink trail He will leave on me as He traces designs on my body. Wanting to be His canvas to decorate as he chooses.

I desire to walk on the wild side with Him. I will follow Him as my guide. I am safe with Him wherever He takes me.

Nobody does it better...Baby, you're the best

As this week is leading up to an anniversary for us, I have been thinking back over the past year quite a lot. Forgive me if I get a bit repetitive this week, I am in a worshippy, surrendered, submissive mood. Soon, when we are together, I hope can convey that to Him.

I know I have said this before, but His knowledge of me never ceases to amaze me. From our first messages, to our first conversation, to our first time together, He did all the right things. He knew what to say to me, what to ask of me, and how to touch me. Our relationship has been the first time I have really embarked into the world of D/s. I did not know what to expect. Inside of me I knew what I wanted and needed, but I did not know how to verbalize some of it. As He told me things, explained things to me, I knew this was exactly what I desired. He verbalized what I was longing for. I sincerely hoped that I could also give Him what He desired as well.

He was very patient with me, He overlooked my inexperience, my shyness at certain things. I think He found it a little amusing. He acknowledged my efforts and my struggle at times. He led me gently, but firmly. He never rushed me. He pushed, but not too hard. He gave me assignments, things to think about and write about. In the beginning, He told me what to expect. I needed that reassurance and He knew it. He got to know me as a whole. He asked about my life and my thoughts, things that had nothing to do with BDSM. We would have long and free-ranging discussions, but then He would bring things back around to my submission. My trust and submission were there from the start, but He cultivated them and they grew.

By the time we met in person, I wanted Him so much I could not stand it. I also wanted to please Him and give myself to Him. I worried that I would not be what He expected. I worried that I would not be able to do as He asked. I was nervous on so many different levels, I could not even identify them all. He was disarming and gracious. He put me at ease, at least to the extent that was possible. He was calm and composed, His demeanor had a calming effect on me. He was unhurried, He allowed me the time I needed to comply. I felt like a servant and a princess at the same time. I was Cinderella. Things have only gotten better, He has been unwavering. He knows me and delights me, inside and out, both mentally and physically. He gives me pleasure in so many ways, I feel undeserving, I feel that I can not give Him enough in return. I am very lucky and very blessed. What I give to Him, will never adequately compensate for what I get from Him. He more than fulfills my needs and sates my desires. He makes me want to give my best to Him, He makes me want to give my all to Him. He is my desire.

Sexual Healing

It is quickly coming up on the one year anniversary of when we met online. In some ways, it seems like a lifetime ago, and in other ways, it seems like last month. Looking back, I had no inkling whatsoever that things would develop as they have. I do know that I was hooked right away. As I read His first message to me, I felt something inside, a stirring, drawing me toward Him. I did not really acknowledge it, it seemed foolish and cavalier to feel that way. I had every intention of taking things slow, but in reality, I plunged ahead quickly. Within a week, He had a hold over me. He drew out my submissiveness, He overwhelmed me. He still does.


I had intended to maintain much more control of the situation, but He controlled it from the start. He was not demanding or insistent, but He was strong and in charge. I knew that I could trust Him, He made me feel safe. It would be another two months before we actually met in person. Though, that was due to schedules and logistics, not due to willingness and desire. I had not had sex in a really long time, but I knew that I would with Him. I had never truly been dominated, but that was already happening with Him.

He has been extremely good for me. This past year with Him, has precipitated much growth and healing in me. Much of that began right away, it continues every day. Each limit I cross, each time I give Him a bit more of myself, I become stronger, more complete. In the beginning, I tried not to have any expectations. I was not sure how long this would last. I was grateful for each week that went by. Now, a year later I do expect things. I expect that I will belong to Him as long as He wants me. I expect that He will take me even farther than He already has. I expect that He has changed me forever and will always be a part of me.

Hijacked

Last month, my computer got hijacked. Either my son or I opened the door to an attack, while surfing the net. It was one of those nasty infiltrators that pops-up and tells you that your computer is infected (all the while knowing that it is the source of the infection). It slowly (actually not so slowly) took over my computer. It turned off my anti-virus software, turned off my automatic updates, and invited all of it's viral friends to a party on my computer. Eventually, it locked me out.

My oldest son is a computer tech. He came over and got me back into the system (twice in one week), but couldn't purge the nasty. So, I did what I always do in that case. I called Chip. He is my computer geek extraordinaire. We have known each other for about 35 years. He is great, he always comes to my rescue and treats me like a paying customer, even though he knows I am a leach. He got back to me almost right away, he picked my computer up a few days later and had it fixed by that evening. He has bailed my cyber-butt out more than once (or twice). When my hard drive crashed, he was able to locate and retrieve my files for school, as well as fix my computer.

I am probably never grateful enough. I probably don't tell him how great he is or how much I love him (and not just for fixing my computer). He is probably one of the nicest guys I know. His wife is a very lucky woman. I know, I am gushing. Yes, this is a shameless attempt to show him my gratitude. I hope he knows that I am sincere. I really try not to take advantage of him, but I know that I do. And yes, I am brazenly posting this on both blogs in order to make my point.

Thanks Chip, next time coffee is on me!

Submissive Journal Prompts - week of July 28th

~Define your limits. Explain why you can't or won't go past that point and try to think about things that were once limits but are not any longer.


It is hard to define my current limits, they have been changing so quickly. I want to reach the point of not having any limits with Him. Most of my limits have indeed fallen by the wayside, if we haven't already crossed them, we have discussed it and will soon. I will admit that I am not into certain things, blood, needles, cutting and the like. He is not into those things either. I am not sure how I would react if He requested those of me. I do not think it will come to pass, but I almost feel He could take me past those limits too.

I have become decidedly more masochistic as our relationship has progressed. I am not sure it is the pain that I crave, but the intensity and the surrender. Many of my fantasies are involving more severity of pain. He has introduced this to me in degrees and always seems to know exactly where the edge lies with me. He takes me to the edge and dangles me there, leaving me wanting more, after wondering if I could take what He just inflicted on me.

His latest focus (and now mine also) has been on public exposure and exhibitionism. This is a big test for my submission. While the scenarios are definitely hot, the actions are extremely hard for me. He has had me engage in some sexual behavior in public venues. He has directed me to several orgasms right at our table while dining out. I have sucked His cock in the hallway, outside of our hotel room door. He has pinched and played with my nipples (both through my top and reaching inside my top) in elevators and parking lots with people present. I have walked from His car to my front door with my ass partially exposed (and probably very red).

I know that He will continue pushing me towards more and more exposure. He enjoys that, it amuses Him. Despite it making me very nervous and embarrassed, I enjoy it too. I am working very hard on being able to do whatever He asks of me, wherever we are. I expect I am almost there. He does like teasing me though. He is constantly telling me things that He has thought of, that He might require of me. In addition to the tease factor, He does this to gauge my reaction and condition my mind to the possibility. I pay attention, as I know that most of His teasing is really not "just kidding."


~What would you advise someone brand new to this sort of lifestyle, when they are looking for a potential owner/dominant? Is there anything that you would have done differently?

I am not sure what my advice would be. I would have never expected our relationship to have progressed the way that it has. I was not expecting to find a Dominant. I did secretly hope that something may develop along those lines, but I thought it would be "down the road." However, He opened that door immediately. He brought up spanking and D/s and other interests that He had. While I was surprised, I responded in kind. He made His Dominance and His interests clear to me from the start. There is nothing that I would change, the rest is history.

What He didn't do was assume my submission to Him. He was respectful and pleasant, not demanding. In a way, He interviewed me (but did not interrogate), He felt me out, He spent time learning me. I suppose my advice would be the same that is given over and over. Just because someone is a Dominant, doesn't mean that they are your Dominant. You do not have to submit before you are ready (if at all). If someone demands that from you, run the other way. It is a power exchange, not a power grab. That power is not gained, until it is given. Also, be careful, do not meet with someone until you are sure who they are. Check, to make sure they are telling you the truth. Let someone know where you will be and who you will be with. Not everyone is safe and trustworthy. Yadayadayada, you've heard it all before.

I certainly didn't know what I wanted or what I needed. He has helped me establish that. Apparently, what I need is Him.

~Are you encouraged to use dirty talk during sexual play? How does it make you feel?

I am not necessarily encouraged, but sometimes I do. I always have.

It makes me feel sexual. It is freeing and sensual, it turns me on. I am not sure how anyone can have sex, while being prim and proper and quiet. He does encourage me to be loud though. He wants to hear me, He wants the neighbors to hear me. He likes to hear me cum, not little moans and whimpers, but screams. And yanno, I just have to obey.

~What homemaking skills do you have? Can you knit, crochet, sew, mend. quilt...?

Given the time and inclination, I could be quite the little happy homemaker. Though, I do need my "being out in the work world" fix too. I have many skills, just not enough time to indulge them. I sew, mend, quilt, do needlework, cook, garden, bake, craft, etc. I love doing those kinds of things. I am quite good at most of them. My grandmother was a seamstress, she taught me to sew on an old Singer treadle machine (when my feet barely reached the treadle). I can whip up any pattern and sometimes I do design my own. She also taught me to knit and crochet, the problem was, I never learned. She finally told me to give up on it. I guess I am way to uptight and my stitches seem to follow suit. I know how to do it, I just don't do it well.

I love quilts and I love to make them. I have a fabric fetish. I have boxes and drawers full of fabric, waiting to be made into quilts. I cannot resist collecting different colors and patterns, a yard here, a fat quarter there. I have enough to make quilts from now until I die, but then I always find something new, that I can't live without.

Cooking is a bit the same way. I could spend a fortune on pans, gadgets, and ingredients, if only I had a fortune to spend. I used to cook much more, when I had a family at home. I still like to cook and bake for people. But when it is just me, I am as likely to have a salad or a bowl of cereal for dinner. I am certainly capable of putting on quite a spread, from a backyard cook-out, to something much more elegant.

~"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new lands, but in seeing with new eyes."
~Marcel Proust

I am seeing things with "new eyes" all the time. Much of the reason my limits are falling away is that I am coming to view them differently. As I get older and experience more of life, I am viewing the world differently. I am seeing things for what they are and not what I have been told they are. My attitude is changing, I am becoming more open and fluid all the time. I am more accepting now than I ever was when I was younger. Old experiences are becoming new to me. I am constantly learning and reflecting.

I am also getting much better at seeing things from others' points of view. Our society, as a whole, is very judgemental and intolerant. People judge and condemn what they don't understand. Americans are very ethno-centric. Our melting pot mentality is that everyone should give up their individuality and melt into the same mold. Rather than embrace diversity, we should all be the same. This "I am right and you are wrong" way of thinking often even shows up in BDSM. I often encounter discussions where people feel compelled and justified to tell others they are practicing their kink all wrong. "If you do not do this (fill in the blank), then you are not a submissive (or a slave, or masochist, or whatever). If we cannot even be open minded in this lifestyle, then how can we be open minded in life.

Prompts are from Submissive Journal Prompts.