I am feeling very restless lately. I am aware of some of the reasons for this. There have been many changes recently, some good and some bad.
My assignment has changed at work and the new unit I am in is not getting the support we need. So far, it has not been a huge problem, but it could be. I am all about trying to avoid problems, rather than trying to fix them later, so this has been a source of irritation for me.
My son is wanting to start school in a few months, I support him in this, but the school is prohibitively expensive. I am not sure we will be able to work it out. This fact has made me uncharacteristically resentful. I resent that his father is a deadbeat that has never (and never will) contribute to his support or his life in any way.
I have been having major work done around the house. It is badly needed and I am blessed to have worked out the financing to get it done. However, even with the financing, it has strained my finances once again.
I hate feeling this way. I like the status quo that usually exists in my life. I also recognize that change can be very good and that any problems are just fleeting. There is more to it though, I remember feeling this way a year ago. Those feelings are part of what prompted me to send J that first message. That restlessness, the hopefulness, needing a change. Little did I know what would come out of that message. I could have never anticipated how life changing this last year would be. He has been the catalyst for so many changes within me. He has met so many of my needs, even ones that I was not aware of. He has grounded me and enabled me to remain calm and sane through the events of the past year. He has given me new perspective and wrestled me away from some of the strongholds that held me captive. He remains my focus now, as I am finding my way through the current mind field of changes.
He is a calming force for me. Even as He has led me through my limits and helped me face my demons, I have generally been calm and rooted. I am grateful for His presence. As I was talking to a friend of mine about some of my current concerns, she told me, "you will be okay." then she said, "I always thought you were so strong and independent, but now I realize that was only a front." She is so right. It was a front, but one that I maintained for so long that I came to believe it. It is nice to have relinquished that front. It is particularly nice to be able to show my vulnerability to Him.
We will be together in two days. I am sure that is part of my restlessness as well. I need Him, I am eager for Him. I have been adrift, distractable, and a bit fragmented. I need His touch, I need to be spanked and strapped. When He is done with me, I will be better. I will be reintegrated and realigned. I also need to touch Him, I need to touch and taste and smell Him. He is my reality, He defines me. I am in need of a little redefining.
Sometimes, I ponder on our relationship. I am His sub, it is my role to serve Him and please Him. Yet, I recognize that it is my needs that are being met, that I am the one receiving so much. I know that the relationship is a give and take, but sometimes I feel I do not give enough. I feel that even if I give Him everything, it will never equal what I receive. It makes me want to give Him more, to give Him everything. The more I give, the more I heal, the stronger I become. It is that cyclical nature that creates the upward spiral that will lift me above my restlessness. I am looking forward to being with Him, I need to be near Him.