Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Walk on the wild side

When we first began to talk, I had a list of hard limits. I had no intention of crossing them, nor did I even understand the appeal that anyone saw in them. I was not judging others' kinks, I just didn't get it. Some of them involved deep fears I held concerning certain activities, other things I found to be distasteful. Even as He accepted my limits, He told me that He expected me to eventually ask Him for some of those things. I was sure that would never happen.

Over the past year, I have asked Him for almost all of those things. My fears have been abolished by my trust. I have come to crave His control over me. I desire to put myself completely in His hands, I desire to demonstrate the depth of my trust, both to Him and to myself. He has encouraged me to let my mind go, to explore and to share with Him my darkest fantasies. At times it has been difficult to share those, to even verbalize what lurks in the recesses of my mind. Yet I have, there is nothing that I can withhold from Him. Sometimes, I have only told Him in a whisper, other times I have written down my thoughts for Him. I have been afraid at times, that He might view me with disdain, that He might react from a place of propriety. Instead, He has validated me in every way, He has acknowledged my fears and embraced my trust.

I could not accept and embody my desires with anyone but Him. I understand things now. Asking for these things with Him has confirmed my trust, my belonging to Him. I have broken free from my past with His help. I have exorcised my demons by embracing the very things they threatened me with. We have yet to act on all of my requests, but I know that we will.

I have come to long for the feel of His hand on my throat. Knowing that He controls me, trusting Him with my life and knowing that I am completely safe in His hands. Rather than terrifying me, His grip offers me security.

I desire being marked by His piss, knowing that it is not degrading or humiliating, but freeing. Affirming that I belong to Him, attesting to my submission.

I am no longer afraid to open myself to including others in our play. I will accept whatever He desires. Knowing that I can do that and still be completely His.

I anxiously await being pierced. Wanting to wear His jewelry through my flesh. Signifying that I am always His.

I have confessed to Him my fantasies surrounding knife play. Wanting to feel the steel against my skin, desiring the pink trail He will leave on me as He traces designs on my body. Wanting to be His canvas to decorate as he chooses.

I desire to walk on the wild side with Him. I will follow Him as my guide. I am safe with Him wherever He takes me.


Paul said...

Alice, an excellent post, evedently you are growing, hopefully He is pleased with you.
Like the song/video, thank you.
Warm hugs,

Alice said...

He has fostered that growth in me and continues to do so everyday. He has brought me very far on this journey, though I think it has just been the beginning.
Thank you for your comments and for following along.