Prior to our time together last week, we had discussed caning. I had expressed an interest, even though it scared me a bit. He challenged me in many ways during the time we were together. Pushing my limits just the right amount, He acknowledged that I might not be ready for the cane. I shared the same doubts, I have never considered myself a masochist (though I think I am becoming one), I embraced the idea, but was frightened of the reality of it. The idea, the desire overcame my fears and I asked Him for it on our last night. I asked Him for only two strokes, I knew that I could tolerate that much.
Two strokes turned into more, five or six. I asked for them. Next time, I want more. The sensation was not what I expected, the pain was there, but so was the pleasure. It put me in a very submissive state, it took me to that alternate headspace where I am able to disassociate. I guess that is my sub-space. I love the feeling of surrendering to Him, of being able to access that dream-like state. It allowed me to separate the physical sensation from the spiritual high.
I have been reading Radical Ecstasy by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. It talks about the spiritual side of BDSM, of being able to acheive transcendent states through S/m and sexual practices. It talks about the spiritual states achieved through pain in many pagan and shaman religions. The authors talk about using BDSM to achieve states of spiritual bliss. I understand the concepts that they discuss. I understand the the trance-like quality that sexual pain can lead to, the universal connectedness that can be achieved. Maybe this is the reason I have been craving more and more pain. In addition to the experience of my connecting to Him through total surrender, I feel connected to the universe. It is the feeling of letting go, of being outside myself. It is a very spiritual thing.
I still struggle at times to achieve that transcendence, to be able to let go and give in to the the experience and sensation. He knows me so well, He knows where my mind is. He knows when to push me more and when to ease up. My trust in Him is absolute, no fear exists with Him. Any unsurety stems from my doubts in myself, in my own abilities. I greatly anticipate the realms where He will take me, the states that He will enable me to achieve.