Thursday, May 8, 2008


Prior to our time together last week, we had discussed caning. I had expressed an interest, even though it scared me a bit. He challenged me in many ways during the time we were together. Pushing my limits just the right amount, He acknowledged that I might not be ready for the cane. I shared the same doubts, I have never considered myself a masochist (though I think I am becoming one), I embraced the idea, but was frightened of the reality of it. The idea, the desire overcame my fears and I asked Him for it on our last night. I asked Him for only two strokes, I knew that I could tolerate that much.

Two strokes turned into more, five or six. I asked for them. Next time, I want more. The sensation was not what I expected, the pain was there, but so was the pleasure. It put me in a very submissive state, it took me to that alternate headspace where I am able to disassociate. I guess that is my sub-space. I love the feeling of surrendering to Him, of being able to access that dream-like state. It allowed me to separate the physical sensation from the spiritual high.

I have been reading Radical Ecstasy by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. It talks about the spiritual side of BDSM, of being able to acheive transcendent states through S/m and sexual practices. It talks about the spiritual states achieved through pain in many pagan and shaman religions. The authors talk about using BDSM to achieve states of spiritual bliss. I understand the concepts that they discuss. I understand the the trance-like quality that sexual pain can lead to, the universal connectedness that can be achieved. Maybe this is the reason I have been craving more and more pain. In addition to the experience of my connecting to Him through total surrender, I feel connected to the universe. It is the feeling of letting go, of being outside myself. It is a very spiritual thing.

I still struggle at times to achieve that transcendence, to be able to let go and give in to the the experience and sensation. He knows me so well, He knows where my mind is. He knows when to push me more and when to ease up. My trust in Him is absolute, no fear exists with Him. Any unsurety stems from my doubts in myself, in my own abilities. I greatly anticipate the realms where He will take me, the states that He will enable me to achieve.


Paul said...

Alice, this is a view that I and my wife/sub and some others held.
It's nothing new that saxual practises can lead to spiritual growth
Tantric sex is specially aimed at spiritual growth.
Warm hugs,

Alice said...

I have read about the tantric and spiritual practices before. I have read discussions from Greenwoman and other blogs. This is the deepest that I have experienced it, but I know it is only the beginning.

oatmeal girl said...

i'll have to look into the book you mentioned. part of what makes me connect BDSM with religious experiences is that the philosopher and i are both very much into ritual, and have made it very much of part of everything we do. there are key words and certain simple actions that start me down into subspace well before the pain - and of course during the months when we are apart.

as for caning, i agree about the importance of surrender. for both of us. part of what excites him so much, and moves me, is the absoluteness of my submission. and trust. i offer myself, i take whatever he is moved to give, i hold the position even without bonds. and my screams and tears and reddening ass and subsequent bruises are all testimony to my willing and grateful acceptance of his control.

(speaking of caning... don't you love the way the sensation echoes down through your ass, changing from that initial stark blow into something thinner? at least i think that's what it's like... it's been months now... having gone so long without the physical pain, we are particularly tuned in to how he can take me into that trance-state with nothing but his words.)

Alice said...

It is good you have that connection with him. I was surprised at the sensation of the cane, it is not what I had expected. I did like feeling the sensation vibrate through me from the surface.

I would recommend the book. It is less about S/m and more about the spiritual aspects, if that is what you are looking for.

Rose said...

Hi Alice, What a great blog. It took me awhile to acclimate to the cane in that I didn't think I wanted it. Pain like that must truly be horrible..but like you I found it to be quite the opposite. I am caned almost every time "R" plays/uses me. It can be very intense, but I really love the residual welts and the warmth. I'll have to check out that book you spoke of. Thanks for the input!!! And Kudos for you for asking for the cane.

Greenwoman said...

That book is a favorite of mine. I'm glad you found it. It can provide a guide line for getting your own path to spirit through your sexual experience. Like Paul, I think that Tantra is a form that provides alot of structure that your D/s can benefit from and on the flip side your Tantra will be enhanced by the bdsm of it all...just remember though, that once a union is created between the two of you, you are peers in that moment...not D and s. *winks* Though...its that way all the time really, we lean into the rolls in our real time lives and the rituals of it. In the moments of union, these will be stripped away and it will just be bare soul.

Alice said...

The cane is something I am craving more and more. It was an entirely different sensation than I thought it would be. I appreciate your comments. I find myself wanting more intensity each time. He has no problem with giving it to me.

The book has been a good resource for me. Your blog and the discussions that take place there have been invaluable. I have also been exploring the links that you have given. My journey is a process, but it is happening one step at a time.