Havoc

No sex post today. Just a link to my other blog and a post I just wrote there. Reading about Vestri's recent loss of Magnus has made me sad and has awakened some of my own grief. In addition to being a submissive, I am the "mother" of four dogs, but my favorite dog is now over the Rainbow Bridge.

5 days

In five days I will be with Him, my needs will be met at that time. By the time we are together, it will have been seven days since my last orgasm. I know that is not a very long time, but in my current state of mind, it seems like an eternity. When He imposed the restrictions on me, He told me it was my decision to masturbate or not, I was just not allowed to cum. My initial reaction was that masturbation, without orgasm, would be too difficult. Last night I changed my mind.

When I went to bed, I ached inside. I was wet, I wanted to be touched. I knew I was not allowed to cum, but I figured I would just stop before that happened. I played with my nipples for a little bit, rolling them between my fingers. I could feel the wetness leaking out of my pussy and running down to my ass. I reached down and just began to slide my fingers through the slick juices that seeped out of me. I moved my fingers to my clit and started rubbing around it in little circles. I had only been touching myself for a few minutes, less than five, when I feel my muscles tense and tighten, preparing for my climax. I stopped immediately, but it was almost too late. I could sense an orgasm continuing to build. I tried to push it down in my mind, I pressed my legs together tightly, I clenched my muscles, I was panicked. I was lucky, I was able to barely suppress it. I lay there, tense and frustrated. I finally slept, because I was exhausted.

This morning, I got up late. I jumped in the shower, dressed and ran out the door. Work was busy, we were short staffed. I was occupied with my tasks, only occasionally did my thoughts turn to Him, before I knew it the day was half over. I went to lunch, stopping in the bathroom. I tugged my pants down and noticed it. The crotch of my panties was slick and wet. They were black, which only made it more apparent. I realized I was soaking wet. I was also horny and sensitive. I was tempted to touch myself right then and there, in the bathroom at work. The only thing that stopped me was remembering last night. I did not want to risk cumming, especially in a public bathroom at work.

I am still wet tonight, and very horny. I can feel a sensation between my legs when I move. I want to touch myself, but I am afraid to. I want to cum, to feel His hands on me, His cock inside of me, I need to fuck.

restricted

One week from tonight, I will be with Him. To say I am anxious for this to occur is grossly understated. I am obsessed with thoughts of being with Him, of the marks I will receive, of ways I hope to please Him. I am in a constant state of arousal, needy and horny all at the same time. Last night, He directed me not to climax again, until I was with Him. The thought was intimidating, especially since I had not masturbated the night before. Feeling very horny, I asked Him for the restriction to start the following day (today), after some discussion, He agreed.

When I went to bed last night, I could only think of Him. I thought about Him being next to me. I imagined myself positioned over His lap being spanked, I thought about the belt and the cane. I remembered the pinch of the nipple clamps and the burn when they came off. I wanted to feel the thuddy sting of the flogger, to feel His hand closed around my throat. I thought about the look in His eyes that assures me that I safely belong to Him. I needed to slide my mouth down the length of His cock. Drowning in thoughts and remembrances of Him, I slid my hand between my legs, I felt the heat, the slick wetness that was there. I rubbed my clit and up and down the lips of my cunt. My other hand reached for the vibrator and pushed it inside of me. I could feel the need, the tension, the desire building, expanding from my core. I wanted to cum hard, to cum enough to last me the week. I rubbed harder, more persistantly. I pushed the vibrator against my G-spot, my orgasm welled up and spread through my whole body. I didn't stop, I wanted it to last, to satisfy my need. My stomach and thighs tensed, I felt my cunt clench on the vibrator, my back arched and I rocked against my hand. Physically, I could feel the waves wash over me, I came hard. Mentally, I felt unfulfilled, empty, I was not satisfied. I needed Him. I needed to feel His strokes on me, His bonds on me, His mouth on me, His hands on me. I wanted to feel Him on top of me, inside me, surrounding me with His presence.

I am no longer able to satisfy my own needs. I need Him. I need Him to control me, my body, my reactions, my orgasms. He is inside my mind. He can give me a climax with words, that is more satisfying than what I can give to myself. I am internally bound. Mental bondage that pulls me towards Him, connects me to Him. This rope, weaved from my thoughts, is pulling me closer to Him this week. Each hour, I am pulled closer to Him. I wish I could push the clock ahead. I am focused on the future, I am travelling through time, to be engulfed by Him.

How can I possibly resist?

I received the following message on a well known BDSM personals site. My profile on that site states that I am already in a relationship and am just there for friends and networking. It also states that I value intelligent discourse. Though, after reading his message, that last phrase might have been a bit too difficult for him to understand. Do people even read the profiles before firing an e-mail off? The best part of his e-mail is that he managed to include the entire thing in just one sentence. After all of his assurances, I am sure I now trust him completely. I cannot wait for him to tie me down, have his way with me and teach me how to please a man.

I'm looking for a sweet girl to meet with from time to time and role play into a very deep and fulfilling time for both of us,have the girl in a short dress and bending her over to warm her sweet bottom then just loose all contrl and just strip her and use all of her teaching her about how to please a man, I do hope to hear from you and would come to you you I can get a nice room for play when I got there I do hope to hear from you so very soon , I don't know how to assure you that that I love the female body everything about the female I just love all it can bring to a man. I guess it's somethin I always enjoyed seeing and hearing a lady moaning in yes some lite pain but also very deep pleasure, I enjoy giving all she enjoys, and when I say I'm oral thats what I am, after a warm spanking or paddling and I know the lady is very turned on nothing gives me more pleasure than to become oral while they are still restrained enjoy the sweet jucies a woman can produce,not to forget having her face down and spreading her bottom open and enjoy the musky taste of all of her, feeling the heat from her bottom and hearing her cry out in pleasure.Well, I'm very glad I can assure you that I'm very safe and sane, I want your trust in me that you have no fears of me, I totally understandyou will be very nervous, please don't be afraid, yes you will be restrained and of course you will be spanked,,but very eroticly and sensually, I will show you all I bring and I willalways respect you and your wishes, spanking you while panties on is a something I will always begin with and begin softly giving you time to adjust your feelings but you know that they soon will be removed, I I hope you know that by now that I'm very trusting and will never violate that trust you place in me, it means so much to have trust and makes it so much more enjoyable for both of us.I will also be bringing legspreaders, cuffs plugs (both anal and vaginal), clamps leather paddles , vibartors, (several types), restraints,blindfolds, just so much and I will explain all if you are not comfortable it will not be used, after all I want you to totally trust me, I can always meet you where you feel comfortable, and we can get a room should you wish to go forward please remember I'm very safe, sane and understanding, , to lick and suck your nipples,until they are so very hard that you burst into orgasms, of course at that point I want to taste your warm jucies sucking your sweetness from your body, but please remember I will be so very discreet for you,I have been a Master now for over 25 years, I do hope to hear form you very soon , Always, _____

I am assuming that he has been a Master in BDSM for 25 years, because he certainly hasn't mastered the English language.

Belonging

I give to you my vulnerability, I am exposed.
You have given to me, myself.
An identity long misplaced.
You have freed me from the ghosts of my past.
You have exorcised the demons that held me in bondage.
I exchange the bondage of my past for the bondage of your domination.
You hold my mind and my soul in your hand.
Just as your strokes mark my skin, your thoughts mark my soul.
You reassure me and strengthen me.
Your desires and fantasies have become mine.
All that I have to offer is yours, you use what I give to illuminate the darkness.
I have no need to look elsewhere as you fulfill my needs.
You have touched my mind, my heart and my spirit.
Your presence has left marks on me that will remain forever.
I will always know to whom I belong.

tag

This is a tag that has been making its way around blogland. I am not tagging anyone, but feel free to take it or pass it on.

My earliest BdsM -related memory is .....playfully wrestling with a high school boyfriend. He pinned my hands behind my back and I thought about having him tie them there.

At school I ....love getting into spirited philosophical discussions.

My first BdsM relationship/interaction was .....at age 18, my college boyfriend held my wrists above my head and pinned my legs with his while we were fucking. I had the hardest orgasm I had ever had.

I don't like talking about ....my personal life and problems with anyone I am not extremely close to.

My most treasured BDsM possession is ...a riding crop that I have kept from when I used to show horses.

I wish I had ....less debt and enough money to fix things around the house.

I wish I hadn't .....this one is tough, because I try not to live with regret, but...I probably wish I hadn't let some of my friendships fall by the wayside.

My favorite gadget is ...my Dyson vacuum cleaner, I love it!

I'm very bad at .....asking for and accepting help from people.

I'm always being asked ....for advice, from my friends, and for money, from my sons, ironic, since I don't have much of either to give.

Its not fashionable, but I love ...being a grandma.

The last big belly laugh I had was ....hanging out with my friend Josh, as he sang the score from 'High School Musical'

If only I could be sure .....I don't think we can really be sure of anything.

On-line community friends say I am ....conflicted. I guess that comes from being a submissive, trapped inside of an assertive bitch.

I often wonder .....what in the hell we are doing in Iraq and how I can model my convictions for my grandchildren.

Perceptions

"You don't know very much," said the Duchess, "and that's a fact."
~Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll

At work today, several of us were having a conversation about relationships. One of my newer co-workers asked me if I would want to marry again. I told her that I didn't think so. She asked, "What if you really loved someone?" I told her I recognized the fact that I have been single for a long time, I know I would not be easy to live with. Even if I truly loved someone, I thought that getting married might ruin it.

That is when another co-worker chimed in and said, "Your problem is that you are very assertive, you just need to find a guy that is submissive." I had to stifle my laughter to keep from falling out of my chair.

counting down

While my need for Him and His control is intensifying daily, the number of days until I am with Him is decreasing. I am counting down the days that separate us. Less than two weeks remain for me to wait, before I can physically give myself to Him. I am burning for His touch, to be able to touch and taste Him. His domination extends to my thoughts. My mind is consumed by thoughts of Him.

In the meantime, I wait for the treats He bestows on me. Chatting, hearing His voice, receiving His praise, His words sustain me, seduce me. Knowing He misses me, being reassured the need is reciprocal, deepens my need, my desire, my surrender. I want to please Him, to satisfy Him, to fulfill His fantasies. It is not enough to just surrender, my role is not passive. My duty, my obligation is to anticipate and meet His needs. Knowing this spurs me on to figure it out, to interpret His desires. I want to know, expand and define His fantasies. I aspire to be His Scheherazade, weaving a new tale of longing and intimacy each time we are together. Although, I am sincere and motivated in my attempts, I hope I do not appear inept or maladroit in my efforts. It is my mission to be His delight; seeing to His gratification, His amusement, and His diversion is my calling.

dirty

Yeah...I'm still dirty.




I love feeling like His dirty whore lately. Even the neediness and the insatiable ache I have been experiencing is pleasurable in some ways. It has been affirming my need for Him, it has put me in touch me with my slutty side. I am sure it will continue to build to a fever pitch by the time we are able to connect. I am also sure He will take advantage of it, teasing me to build the intensity, both in the interim and when we are together.

Lately, my extreme desire has opened another door for His dominance. My thoughts have become so sexual and my needs so intense, that He has been able to direct and command my orgasm over the phone. No touching, just His voice, telling me what will be done to me and what will be required of me. It is an amazing thing to feel my climax swell and overtake me from purely mental stimulation. As His control over me becomes more complete, I am left wondering what is in store for me. He has always been able to reduce me to a quivering, contented, sated, little pet. However, I think His current objective is to see what a wanton, shameless whore I can be.

primal needs

I thought I would add this song, as it seemed so appropriate.

Fever - Peggy Lee

It has been more than three months, since we have been together physically. To say I am getting a little needy is an understatement. In three weeks, we will spend two days together, the interim seems interminable. I have a raw, lustful ache that is inside me all of the time now. I was trying to tell Him how I felt and He told me to make that an assignment, to write and explain my feelings and neediness. I have done that and here is the result:

You wanted me to explain how I have been feeling lately. It is a feeling that I struggle to put words to. It is so base and primal, it is difficult to verbalize, it is an instinctual and animalistic drive inside of me. To explain my feelings or my emotions is almost impossible, but I can try to describe it in analogous terms that you might be able to understand.

I feel like an animal in heat. I have seen cats in heat that seemed tormented by their instinctual needs. They cry and rub and roll around, trying to lessen their distress and anguish, with no avail. When they actually find a mate and consummate the act, which has become so critical, their hunger is so great, they prostrate themselves and howl and scream at the release. The urges, which are smoldering inside me, have me feeling like a bitch in heat. My limits have become eclipsed by my need; my thoughts and fantasies confirm that I would do anything to secure my release from you.

I feel like I have an ember burning inside of me, so red hot, it may burst into flame at any given moment. The lust that burns in me consumes me, and no amount of masturbation or stimulation begins to quench it. You are the object of my yearning, and my desire can only be met by your essence, your sensation, by being filled by you. My longing is not only for sexual release, for orgasm, but also the need to be engulfed, deluged by sensation. I need the pain, your strokes on my skin, to draw out and satisfy the fire inside of me. I need your physical presence, your dominance, to smother me, in order to extinguish the flame.

I feel like I am caught in an electro-magnet. The current, which is surrounding me and coursing through me, is creating an overpowering pull toward you. The desires inside of me have created such a strong field of attraction; I cannot escape it or fight it. I have no choice, but to be drawn to you.

I feel naked and exposed. Like the sea at low tide, the water is pulled back and it has exposed the ocean’s floor. All that is normally deep and hidden is laid bare for everyone, including myself to see. My lust and desire has been divulged and exhibited, revealing and defining what previously hid in my core.

I have not been able to douse or lessen this feeling inside of me. It is a constant ache, a reminder, of my need to surrender. It is the glaring reality of my mission, my calling, to worship you, experience you with all of my senses. Touching myself, making myself cum, immersing my thoughts in fantasy, does not lessen my urgency for you. Last night I spanked myself with the brush, I used the crop on my breasts and my thighs, I pinched my nipples and clit, until I cried out. I touched myself and fucked myself with the vibrator until I came. Everything only served to stoke the furnace within me more. Afterwards, I still shook and tossed and trembled, needing your hands on me. I need to be struck and pinched and probed by you. Wanting to feel your teeth close on my skin, to feel your hand wrapped in my hair, to feel your grip on my throat, needing you to fuck me, my mouth, my cunt, and my ass. I burn to be used and controlled and taken by you. I want to touch you and smell you and taste you, I need my hands and my mouth on you, I need to press myself against you. I am your bitch in heat, your hungry little cock-sucker, your greedy, covetous whore, and your urgent, devoted pet.

What a lovely way to burn...

much of a muchness

"You know you say things are 'much of a muchness' - did you ever see a drawing of a muchness?" The Dormouse
Lewis Carroll ~ Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

What I Need

• 4 more hours in every day
• a car
• a haircut
• a cleaning service
• a personal trainer
• a winning lottery ticket
• a new pair of gym shoes
• a pedicure
• to be able to tolerate my sister
• a hard spanking
• His hand on my throat while He makes me cum
• marks on my tits and ass from caning and flogging
• a good contractor - after the winning ticket
• a session for my dogs with the Dog Whisperer
• new jeans
• a vacation in the sun
• new printer cartridges
• His cock in my mouth
• a new washing machine
• to be bound and well fucked
• 2 days with Him soon - counting down on this one
  

It doesn't matter which way you go...

'Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?'
'That depends a good deal on where you want to get to.'
'I don't know where...'
'Then it doesn't matter which way you go,' said the cat.
Lewis Carroll ~ Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

I've told you that I don't buy into the Master/slave dynamic. There are many reasons why that bothers me. Ultimately, you have the final decision regarding the degree of control I have over you and the ultimate frontier that you cannot transcend. That said, I have an assignment for you. John Adams assigned Thomas Jefferson to draft the Declaration of Independence. I would like for you to draft a Declaration of Submission. What I want from you is a statement of your submission/surrender/assignment of/to me. I would like to understand your reasons for, and thoughts about your submission and surrender to me. A statement born from consideration and commitment.

Out of that assignment, a new document was born. Completing the task required me to consider, where I want to go from here. What depth of commitment I am willing to accept and why I feel that way. This is the result:

The Declaration and Affirmation of My Submission

As a submissive woman, I have reached the point in my journey where, I not only desire, but find it necessary to completely and wholly surrender to you. You have not only identified this facet of my personality, but have helped me recognize it and develop it as well. In order to more fully state and explore the reasons which compel me to relinquish my will and avail myself to you, I set forth and acknowledge the grounds and motivation for my capitulation and subordination.

I am a strong and independent woman. I have a set of established beliefs and goals. I know what I want out of life and what I want to accomplish. I also acknowledge that a major part of what I want is to explore and satisfy my submissive tendencies. I need to actualize this component of myself and attain the highest level of submission that I can achieve, that of surrender. I accept my submissiveness to be part of my sexuality and an essential feature of my spirit and psyche. Furthermore, my accedence has resulted from the dominant role that you have already established in my life. Our roles and relationship dynamic have been based on mutual understanding, respect, and trust. My submission has been freely given out of my strength and my sense of personal power. The completeness of my surrender does not compromise, but indeed, strengthens my beliefs, values, and individuality. Your control, the dominance that you exert over me, is derived from my consent. The foundation of your governance lies in your ability to effect my safety and happiness and secure my trust. The proof of these statements is inherent in the following presentation of facts.

We have both stated needs and desires, which are inverse, but dependent on one another.

We share a strong natural connection, which has facilitated our understanding and trust.

You have elevated the pursuit of knowing me to a vocation.

Your knowledge of me and the trust you have established, has enabled me to open and offer my mind, spirit, and body to you.

You have accepted and demonstrated responsibility for my safety, as well as, my personal growth and development.

I have found fulfillment, pleasure, and contentment in my submission to you.

You have freed me from constraints, imposed by both society and my past.

Our relationship encompasses much more than sexual pleasure and a D/s dynamic, it is complex and multi-faceted.

My submission and surrender to you has been a source of pride, healing and favor for me.

You have opened my mind and expanded my limits, enabling me to grow as a submissive and as a human being.

I am able to feel connected to your presence and essence, even when miles exist between us.

Only in you, have I found someone with the ability to accept, utilize and cherish my submission.

I desire to be all things with you, your friend, your equal, your companion, as well as you pet, your slut, and your toy.

The dichotomy that is our relationship, allows me to be all things to you.

You have always maintained self-control, in order to better exert control over me.

You have offered me wisdom and guidance, so that I have gained both self-knowledge and knowledge of how to better submit to you.

You have always treated me with respect and chivalry.

You are skilled in many things:
You can stimulate my mind with conversation
You can take me to my threshold with pain
You can use that pain to bring me pleasure
You can bring my mind into complete submission, with a look or a phrase
You can wrack my body in orgasm with your touch, tongue, or cock
You can coax a climax out of me with your voice
You can take me to my limits and then take me past them
You can make me feel like the greatest treasure or the lowliest servant and show me how I equally desire both

You have allowed and cherished my individuality and my strength, which has elevated the value of my submission.

You have granted me both healing and courage.

My submission arises out of a desire to please you, never from fear.

You are secure and confident enough to maintain a sense of humor, acknowledge inexperience, and continue learning in order to challenge us both.

You have granted me the freedom to walk away and the acceptance to return to you.

I discovered the depth of my affection for you and the degree to which my submission was prescribed to you and distinctly yours.

Thereby, I will state my intentions, that my submission and surrender be assigned solely to you. Based on our mutual needs and the facts as stated above, I appeal to you to accept me and what I can offer you. I freely commit myself to being your submissive, your pet, while also retaining my individuality and separate identity. I will not put our relationship ahead of my family or my other responsibilities; I will always be aware and respectful of your other commitments and responsibilities as well. I will totally engage myself and fully surrender to you during those times when we can be together. I will strive to be available to you as often as our schedules permit. I will be open and honest with you at all times about any conflicts or difficulties that arise, but also about my needs, fantasies and desires. I will continue under these expectations and intentions, until such a time, if it should ever occur, when, through mutual discussion and agreement, it is decided that other considerations make it prudent or necessary to change the dynamic or part ways. Up until that should occur, I am your surrendered pet.

Over the Rainbow

Today's divas pale next to Sarah Vaughan.

Listening to her makes my heart soar. Additionally, I have always loved this song. It is all about dreams and hope. He touches me in the same way that this song does. He frees me from worries and constraints and allows my spirit to fly. He is more than the wizard, His effect on me is not done with smoke and mirrors. He frees me with knowledge, trust, and a kinship of our spirits. I have pondered on the circumstance of our connecting. I have oft regarded it as fate, but I have come to think of it as serendipity. Less fate and more dumb luck. Regardless of the force, or lack of, that precipitated our acquaintance, the connection that we have developed is profound.

He has opened my mind and allowed me to dare to dream. I have been exploring, connecting with another side of myself, a dark side, a wild side, an enlightened side. I have been delving into that innermost place within me, the place where those thoughts dwell. The ones that nice girls don't think. I have followed Him into the poppy field, on the way to the Emerald City, and the opiates have lulled me into a dream state. The resulting bliss lulls the nice girl within me to sleep, while my wanton side freely dreams. On my path down the yellow brick road, I have met the scarecrow, the lion, and the tinman. They have granted me knowledge, courage, and heart. And although, there may be no place like home; when I am with Him, that's where you'll find me, somewhere over the rainbow.