Answer ~ Sarah McLachlan

I will be the answer at the end of the line
I will be there for you while you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance if you cant look down
If it takes my whole life I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
that I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
you'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight
If it takes a whole life I wont break I wont bend
It'll all be worth it worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
And when the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright
Cast me gently into morning for the night has been unkind.

The beginning

It has been over two years since we began this journey. Sometimes I wonder, if I knew what lay ahead for us, if I would have embarked on it at all. Not that I have any regrets, quite the opposite. This journey has been wonderful, I embrace it in every way. Though, I think it would have scared me then, it did scare me then. I was never afraid of J, I was afraid of myself. I was afraid to be open and vulnerable and fully connected. Lately, I have been thinking back to the beginning, this is some of what I recall.

When I opened the door and our eyes met for the first time, I could barely breathe. It was a combination of anticipation, worry that I would not be what He expected, fear of the unknown and overwhelming desire. His eyes pierced me, they looked inside of me, into my soul. They saw my fears and desires. He saw me for who I was, all my dirty little secrets, and He accepted me. It was strange, meeting Him for the first time in person. We had never seen each other, except in pictures, yet there was already a deep bond that had formed. J impressed me from the very first message we exchanged. He is intelligent, funny, honest and well-spoken. He was also very much in control, of Himself and eventually of me. As He kissed me and took my hand, He led me to want to give everything to Him. That desire has never changed.

I have always been a very guarded person. I learned early on, that sharing certain things with people invites ridicule and abuse. There were some things I never told anyone, even people I trusted. J was different, I was compelled to share everything with Him. Some things I told Him, even having convinced myself that He would turn and walk away from me after hearing them. He never did, He never judged, He understood. Some things it seemed if He already knew, or at least suspected. He was my safe harbor, always calm and steady, with Him I was protected. Experiencing Him, and the way that He is, made me think and reflect. I reflected and analyzed how I reacted and interacted and why. I dissected my guilt and my shame, to see if it was warranted. He validated me, He made me acceptable, He restored me. I have never met another man like Him. If I were to construct an exceptional, uncommon human being, I could do no better than J. He is patient and respectful, but He is also strong and firm. He is comfortable with Himself, which makes others comfortable with Him. Out of His strength and confidence, He demonstrates tenderness and compassion. He understands, connects and cares for people. He is not afraid to be genuine or to express a dissenting opinion.

I feel very honored and lucky to know Him and love Him. I feel particularly lucky to have Him love me in return.

Perceptions

This is the e-mail I got today from Notes from the Universe (thanks Gillette for introducing me).

Life is not what you see, but what you've projected. It's not what you've felt, but what you've decided. It's not what you've experienced, but how you've remembered it. It's not what you've forged, but what you've allowed. And it's not who's appeared, but who you've summoned.

I always enjoy the little gems of wisdom in these notes. Sometimes, they make me go, hmmm. Sometimes, they make me go, huh? I reread this one several times. The truth of it just kept sinking in. It made me re-evaluate my life. It made me think of times when I passively experienced things, when I felt powerless to change the situation I was in. It made me look at my past and consider how my perception of it differed from others' perceptions. It made me look at my part in creating that reality.

I do believe that we create our own reality. Our thoughts, our actions, our desires and our perceptions, all play into what makes up our lives and experiences. We can be assertive or passive, we can be proactive or reactive. Reality is not necessarily factual, it is our perception of the situation. Several people can observe the same situation and each perceive it differently. That doesn't make any of them wrong, it just makes them individuals.

I think about how J has changed my perceptions and my reality. He empowers me, He frees me. He has restored the passion and the innocence of my youth. He has also embraced the wisdom and the strength of my maturity. He encourages my submissiveness, but He discourages my passivity. I have often wondered how we found each other, But I now realize that I summoned Him. I am blessed that He was gracious enough to respond. He is now my reality.

The minute I heard my first love story, I started looking for you, not knowing how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere, they're in each other all along.
~Rumi

Image by F. Cayley Robinson. Found on Google.

Push

Every time I look at you the world just melts away.
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections.
You've seen me at my weakest, but you take me as I am.
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

[CHORUS:]
You stay the course, you hold the line, you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy, but you give me room to breathe.
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it.
Even when I have to push, just to see how far you'll go.
You wont stoop down to battle, but you never turn to go.

[CHORUS]

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me.
There are times I can't decide, when I can't tell up from down.
You make me feel less crazy, when otherwise I'd drown.
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK.
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day.

[CHORUS]

Bad blogger, good pet

Last week was Love Our Lurkers day. I was out of town on that particular day, but I scheduled a post to publish. I had every intention of responding to comments and making the rounds to other blogs when I got back, but I didn't. I am a bad blogger. I appreciate the readers that come here, I love reading the comments that I receive. I try and get around to reading other blogs, but I am a lurker too. I just don't seem to have the time or energy to leave many comments anymore. I also find myself struggling to post here very much. I begin posts often and then usually end up deleting the banality I have written. Most days, by the time I make it home from work, I am feeling rather used up and dimwitted. Certainly, by the time dinner is done, accompanied by clean-up and additional housework, I am left operating on one or two brain cells that are still firing. I am not sure if that makes me very tired or stupid, but neither is conducive to blogging. On the other hand, I am a very good pet (at least I try to be). That is a much higher priority for me than being a good blogger. Though, the two are tied in together, because J enjoys reading here and often what I write is for Him.

I was with J last week, our time together was brief, but wonderful. I am always surprised by my reaction to seeing Him. I know I miss Him and desire Him madly, but I still get butterflies with my anticipation. Each time I see Him again (when I actually lay eyes on Him), I catch my breath and my heart leaps. Being with Him, even talking to Him, makes me giddy. I love His eyes. The way He looks at me is deep and piercing, it makes me melt into a puddle. I know, because the puddle always ends up in my panties after He looks at me that way. I feel like His gaze bores through me and looks into my soul. Every time our eyes meet, it is as if the rest of the world disappears. He owns me with His eyes, they draw my entire focus onto Him. It's like the scene in For the Love of the Game where Kevin Costner 'clears the mechanism'.



Okay, maybe a baseball movie is not the most romantic analogy, but it probably is my favorite movie, so that's what comes to mind.

We can be laughing, joking, talking about work or politics, and then He shoots me that look and the world stands still. He can control me and possess me with just a look. Of course there is much more to it than that. His hands are incredible, they are magic. When His hands are on me, I feel as if I am a lump of clay and He is a sculptor, shaping me, forming me into something beautiful and better. I would be amiss if I did not mention His mouth. He kisses me as I have never been kissed before. His kisses overwhelm me, they are intimate, controlling, probing, sensuous, they make me weak in the knees. J is, hands down, the sexiest man I have ever met. Everything about Him makes me want Him. I want to serve Him, surrender to Him, give myself to Him completely. When I think of Him, my cunt moistens and my mouth waters. I am His, in all ways. It really is quite selfish of me, my desire to belong to Him, He completes me, He affirms me, He provides me with great pleasure. When I think I could not desire Him more than I do, when I know it is impossible to give Him more, surrender more, I see Him again and more is not even enough.

Love our lurchers, er...Lurkers

Today is the annual Love Our Lurkers Day, hosted by Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts. Since I haven't been posting a whole lot lately, I don't know how many readers, much less lurkers I even have left. However, if you're out there...PLEASE stroke my ego, smack my bottom, leave a comment. Then, head over to Bonnie's blog and check out all the other spanking bloggers participating today. As Gomez said to Fester, "You'll meet someone. Someone very special. Someone who won't press charges."

I am actually out of town at the moment. I will be back Friday and will respond to all of the comments then. In the mean time, welcome to the blog!

Moving forward

I am not sure where the past few months have gone. Life seems to be flying by, I certainly have been busy (I'm sure we all are), but nothing out of the ordinary. Things have been good for J and I. The past few months we have been able to connect a bit more often. I will see Him again in a few days. Every minute with Him is precious, it renews me and refocuses me. At times, I feel like the rest of my life is a holding pattern, circling around waiting to arrive at my destination. When we are together, all is right in my world. Time slows down and affords me the luxury of serving Him. It gives me the opportunity to breath and relax, to be me. Though, I long to improve my service to Him, to please Him more. I need to become more disciplined, rather than just standing by, I need to work at becoming better. I do not have rules, there are things He directs me to do and I strive to fulfill those requests. Service to Him has become more of a focus for me. I realize that there are things I can do, put my own rules in place, to become a better submissive. I am working on that.

I do not view my submission as being along for a ride. It is more than being available and obedient. I want to actively please Him, I want to anticipate and fulfill His needs and desires. I want to exceed His expectations. I want to make things easier for Him and more enjoyable. I have fallen into the trap of thinking of all the things I could do for Him, if we were together all of the time. However, we are not, so I need to better serve Him from a distance, while focusing still on our time together. He has a strong presence in my life, we communicate daily, I think of Him constantly, I write to Him often. Yet, I don't feel it is enough, I want to offer Him more, so that is my task at hand.

I know there are certain things that are next on the agenda for us, so to speak. Things we have discussed at length. More of my boundaries to be crossed. One of them is public play. No, I do not mean doing it in the middle of the street, more like hidden in plain sight. Things done covertly, but with others around. This is difficult for me, I am not an exhibitionist in any way. I struggle with even dressing provocatively in public. So, the challenge is there for me, because often in public, I imagine everyone knows exactly what is going through my mind. I know this will arise when we are together this week. I also know it is an issue of overcoming my own inhibitions, something that has been easier said than done.

We have also talked about including another woman in our play. This is something I have come to desire. I fantasize about it, I have written about it. I have no doubt it will occur, the issue is finding her. For me, it is more than just placing an ad on Craigslist or trolling the sites like CollarMe and FetLife. I need to have a connection. Our relationship and our dynamic is to valuable to just find a willing participant. She also needs to fit with us. While I do plan to begin actively seeking her, I also believe that we will find the correct person when the time is right. Perhaps I am naive.

I am ready to continue on this journey with J. I never anticipated coming this far or delving this deeply. I am humbled by His love and acceptance of me. I cannot imagine being without Him now. He has defined and fulfilled my submission. I am grateful to be His.

If You Seek Amy

My musical tastes are pretty wide ranging. I listen to everything from opera to rap. I love the classical rock that I grew up with (I refuse to call it "the oldies"). I appreciate the relevance of rap lyrics (even the nasty ones). Classical music of all types touch my soul deeply. Folk music makes me want to march in a protest. What I most often listen to is current and contemporary...rock, hip-hop, alternative, pop. I also have a tendency to sing along. So...the other day, I was working in the kitchen and singing along to a CD when my son walked through. He stopped and listened a minute, then he said, "Do you even know what you are singing?" "Sure", I answered and kept singing. "No, really Mom, listen to the words." I listened for a minute and heard nothing other than what I had sung. "When she says, if you seek Amy, she's really saying...F.U.C.K. me." After he told me that, there was so much I left unsaid. I still sing along, I just smile now. I'm not nearly as old as he thinks I am.



Speaking of F.U.C.K. me, J was here last week. The frequency of His visits has increased lately. I am very happy about that. The more I am with Him, the more that I want Him. Though we had been together just two weeks before, I needed Him badly. I needed to serve Him, I needed His cock, I needed Him to spank me. I know the time we share is a far cry from 24/7, but I wonder if I could ever get enough. The past two years have only made me want Him more, want to give Him more. I feel that we are just beginning our journey, there is still so much I want to experience with Him. I belong to Him, with my entire being. He gives me strength, He makes life bearable, He gives me a sense of purpose and He defines my identity in a way I have never known before. There is a certain rightness about lying over His lap, naked and surrendered. Receiving His spankings calms me, relaxes me (okay, maybe not right at that moment), affirms my place with Him.

J, I will be yours forever. I hope you choose to accept me as long.

Trust, truth and reality

Swan and Chloe both have written recent posts about honesty and trust in their relationships and how that plays out in their dynamics. I started to comment on each of their posts, but decided I had more to say and thought I would muse about it here. Bear with me as I ramble on to some sort of conclusion.

Before my relationship with J, I had huge trust issues. In the past, I had been lied to and betrayed in so many ways. Those lies and betrayals had distorted my reality and caused me to question even my own judgement. I was guarded and jaded and had withdrawn from all intimacy in any relationships. When I met J, that all changed. I can give you all sorts of reasons, but I don't really know why it was different. Perhaps it was His manner, or maybe I was just ready, possibly it was just in the stars for us to be together, whatever the reason (or all of them together), I trusted Him.

It has been two years, I have never had a reason not to trust Him. As far as I know, He has never lied to me. He has shown love and concern for me. He has never harmed me, He looks out for me, He keeps me safe. That is my reality. That is what I know to be true. After reading their posts, I began to think about the importance of honesty. Previously, I would have said that honesty was of utmost importance, that I could never tolerate being lied to. However, if I found out that J had lied to me, I cannot see that it would change my reality. I would still believe that He loved me, I would still believe that He would protect me, I would still believe He wants me in His life. That would still be my reality. My trust has been built on what He has shown me. The truth has been based on what He has told me. Those do not necessarily have to be the same thing.

My ex-husband told me many things...all lies. He also showed me that he did not care about me, that he did not respect me, and he harmed me repeatedly. There was no safety or security with him. With J, I am safe and secure. I can count on Him. He has demonstrated a consistency and a stability. My reality is based on what I know to be true (what I have seen and experienced), not what I have been told to be true. In that respect, my truth is relative.

Now, let me clarify, I have do not believe that J has ever lied to me. I believe everything He tells me. But, I understand what Swan and Chloe are saying. Withholding information or even an outright lie, would not shatter my trust. I trust Him to tell me what I need to know, I trust Him to keep me safe and respect our relationship. Swan says it best with theses words: In my world, inside of our dynamic, His word defines the fact and the reality. I live my life completely within the boundaries defined by His word and His vision. That is my truth. Anything else, is just not all that important.

Conversely, He requires me to tell Him what is on my mind. He expects me to share my thoughts, my needs and my desires with Him. I try very hard to comply with His expectations and His trust. It is important, it enables Him to know where to take us. It enables Him to define our dynamic and our reality. Just as He decides what I need to know, He also decides what He needs to know. I am very happy, content and secure to abide by those decisions He makes. I am very pleased by the reality He has defined for me. The truth (and the reality) is that I am His.

Reboot

I have been fairly quiet in the blogospere for a while. Sometimes, life gets the best of me and I don't feel I have anything worthwhile to say. Other times, I have plenty to say, but no energy left to say it. The past month has been a little of both.

I think that both J and I have been battling with life's stresses and demands. For each of us individually, the demands of work and home have been considerable. It is us, together, that keeps me going. Not only His support and caring of me, but my devotion to Him. This year has not been bad, but it has been wearing, for both of us. When life becomes that busy and that tiresome, there is simply not much time or energy left over for play. We still have made time for each other, it has just been a bit more subdued.

My fantasies have still leaned toward pushing the limits and severity. My desires and actions have been more towards service to Him and my need to submit. While our last few visits have not been vanilla, they certainly have been more restful and restorative for both of us. This week, we managed to carve out some time together. His visit was short, but it was just what the doctor ordered. As always, it was exactly what I needed and He knew exactly how far to take me. The play wasn't as intense as we have explored in the past, but for my state of mind and the time that we had, it was the perfect reboot for us.

I wanted Him. I yearned and hungered for Him intensely. It had not been that long since we had been together, but it seemed like an eternity. I was craving His taste, his smell, His touch, it was a sense of urgency I felt. It was more than a want, it was a requirement, not as in a demand, but as a basic need...like air or water. I needed to be marked, I needed to be controlled, I needed to be completely His.

Our time together started slowly and back to basics. He sat, fully clothed, as I stood before Him and undressed. He watched me and He turned me around, I was naked and vulnerable and I was His. He kissed me and He touched me. He made me cum, quickly and consumingly. I undressed Him and I worshipped Him...with my mouth, with my hands, with my body. I licked Him, I sucked Him, I touched Him and I revelled in His presence. I immersed myself in His taste, touch and smell. I memorized His body with my tongue, my lips and my fingers. I buried my nose into Him, sniffing and inhaling all of His scents and fragrances. I licked Him all over, the length of Him, from His neck down. Savoring Him and marvelling at the topical geography of His body. My tongue exploring the smooth, flat places, the crevices, the curves, some places soft, some rough, some hairy. I love the way He smells, from soapy and clean, to earthy and sensuous. His smell (all of them) make me want to devour Him and feed off of Him. He lay back and let me bathe Him like a cat, licking and lapping with my tongue.

I lingered at His cock. Licking from base to tip and sliding my mouth down over it. His cock is perfect to me, the perfect size, perfect shape, perfect taste, perfect in the way it satisfies me. I love the way it feels in my hand, hard and firm when I wrap my fingers around it. I love the way it feels sliding into my cunt, pushing into me, impaling me. I particularly love the way it feels in my mouth, feeding me, filling me, gagging me. Sucking His cock makes my cunt ache and drip and throb for Him. It also makes me crave and beg and hunger for His cum. I begged and pleaded and stroked and sucked and licked. I felt His balls tighten, His body tense, His cock grow even harder, I became more focused, more urgent. Then I felt His fist grip my hair, teasing me, holding me still as He came, on my face, on my hair, before letting my mouth find Him again. Letting me taste it, drink it, suck and clean every last drop from Him.

While all of that (and our subsequent touching, exploring, love making) turned me into one hot, quivering mess. That was not really the reboot. The reboot was the marking of me, my spanking and my caning. I am still sitting lightly and gingerly because of it. He had me lie face down on the bed. He ran His hands over me, he ran the cane over me. He spoke to me, He asked me what I wanted. I asked for His marks, I asked for His strokes, I needed it, I wanted it. His voice and His hands caressed me and lulled me. I relaxed into Him. His voice was the siren's song to me. As He spoke, the cane tapped a rhythm on my ass. He watched me slip into that floating state and then He brought hard, fast strokes down, leaving red, raised welts. There was more rubbing, soothing, relaxing, then more heavy strokes and stripes. His voice was constant and calm, it led me, controlled me, focused me. His hand rubbed over the welts, tracing them, feeling them and then I was spanked, over the cane marks on my ass and my thighs. Each time, whether from His hand or the cane, I cried out or squirmed away, He would pet me, stroke me and shush me. When I calmed and began to float away again, He would add a mark. It was perfect, just remembering and reporting it, has me wet and wanting again.

Please Sir, may I have some more?

A letter to J

It seems the more we are together, the more I desire you. There was a time when your visits would sate me for a time, decrease my need for awhile. That is no longer true, even though I have just been with you I ache to give myself to you again. I regularly contemplate our journey, my evolution. I remember when I first wrote you a list of my limits and boundaries, stating the things that were off the table, things that held no desire for me (some of which were unthinkable). You accepted my list, you told me you were fine with it. You also told me that you anticipated that a time would come when I would ask you for some of those things on the list. You have since taken me past many of those boundaries, others have been discussed and contemplated. You were right, I have asked you for those things, I have asked you to lead me deeper into this. I have asked you to take me to the edge. Those once hard limits have become fluid and flexible. I desire that surrender, that deep submission that comes from exploring that edge.

Many of those original limits were due to my past. Things that were done to me, not of a consensual nature, but in a cruel and fearful way. What began with my difficulty to even recount and discuss those things, has ended with my desire to revisit and redefine those things. You have redefined me. My surrender to you has allowed me to take back the power that was stolen from me. I have come to see that it was not the acts which haunted me, it was the nature in which they were done. You have given me the security to reclaim my ability to choose and consent. I have been able to consent and explore those things with you. By facing those things again, I have broken the bonds of my violator, I have removed his power over me. I have discovered the joy of a power exchange, the more power and control I yield to you, the stronger and more empowered I become.

I have come to crave that exploration of the edge with you. I love yielding that power to you, feeling myself held completely in your control. It's as if you swallow me up, you overwhelm me. The farther down this road you lead me, that farther I want to travel with you. I know I belong to you, that is a statement of fact that is constantly reiterated between us. What I need is physically have your ownership imposed upon me. I want to be marked by you. I want to wear the temporary marks of your belt, the flogger, and the cane. I also want the permanent mark of being pierced and wearing your ring. I think constantly of these marks. I think of the raised red welts of the cane marks on my ass. I think of you administering them and of you running your fingers over them afterwards. I think of you marking me as your property and then claiming me by taking me for your pleasure. Taking me in any manner and in any hole that pleases you. I think of those times when your use pushes me deep inside of myself. When I feel very small and consumed by you. When I feel owned and safe and I know that is where I belong.

My submission to you is a drug that I have become addicted to. The more I experience it, the more I crave it. It consumes my thoughts, it dictates my actions, it holds me captive. I hunger for your dominance and your control. I thirst for your cum. I ache for your marks on my skin. Nothing else can sate me, placate me or pleasure me. I am bound to you by my own needs and desires.

your pet

Service

J's visit was wonderful, just as they always are. He so perfectly compliments me, meets my needs, and dominates me all at the same time. It feels as if He always knows what I am thinking and needing, I think He can read my mind. One of the surprising things to me, regarding our two year journey, is the subtle change in my submission. I am still His, I still submit (to the best of my ability), I still feel surrendered to Him. I also have developed an interest and a need in service to Him. Not just sexual service, but domestic service. When I first began to explore submission (before I met J, when I was just reading and researching), I encountered the topic of domestic service and service submissives. I will admit, I didn't get it. It seemed that it was nothing more than being a maid or a glorified housekeeper. While that is still not a primary focus or purpose for me, I do understand it now. It is about pleasing Him, about being His. I want to please Him, serve Him and care for Him in every way possible. I want to make His life easier and more pleasant. I want to ease His workload and lighten His responsibilities. That is not really possible, especially given the fact that we are long distance. But if I can alleviate extra work, if I can perform little tasks so He does not have to, if I can make Him feel welcome and at home while He is here, I will do what I can to ensure that. It is a delight for me to prepare a meal for Him. Don't get me wrong, I love dining out with Him. I love being with Him in public and assuming different roles, depending on our location and on His wishes and needs. I just love cooking for Him more. It may be related to my love of cooking anyway, it may be because of His appreciation and gratitude. There is nothing like preparing a meal for someone who is extremely appreciative.

I don't really know if this is an aspect of my submission or simply caring for someone I love. I think we often try to compartmentalize the BDSM aspects of our relationships. Separate the kink and the D/s from the rest of the relationship. I think I may do this because going in I thought that was the relationship. I admittedly was looking to satisfy my needs, not necessarily anything more. Looking back, I do not know how I thought I could fully submit to someone I was not fully committed to. By the time J and I met, I already felt bonded to Him. I spent a period of time fighting it. I did not want to fall in love with Him. I thought it might cause Him to push me away or at least gently hold me at arms length. If I had only shared my concerns and my feelings with Him, it would have saved both of us some time and trouble.

It has all worked out for the best. It has been a process...it still is a process. Every relationship is. I now am compelled to share everything with Him, my thoughts, my feelings, all of my daily trivial stuff. All of my missteps have served to bring us closer and make me more surrendered to Him. We love each other deeply, He dominates me superbly, He understands me better than anyone ever has (maybe even me). He probably gets tired of reading and hearing my daily babble, though He tells me He wants to hear it. He explains that it helps Him know me and understand me better, and in turn it helps Him dominate me better. And He does dominate me better, better than I ever thought possible.

The Bestest Thing

Last week was arduous. There has been a lot going on in my personal life and it has drained me. J has been my saving grace. He cares for me, He centers me, He reminds me to take care of myself. He has never interfered in my daily life or my decisions, yet He listens and understands. He also shares His perceptions with me, perceptions from someone who is not embroiled in the problems. That, combined with the fact He is smart, funny and loving, allows me to remain sane through the struggles of life.

The bestest thing in the whole wide world? He will be here this week. Wednesday is our anniversary of sorts, we met online two years ago. That auspicious beginning seems both a forever ago and only yesterday. Each passing day brings me closer and more bound to Him. In every way, He is my ideal man. Never have I experienced this level of intimacy, love and concern with another person. It is one of the few times in my life that I allowed the Universe to get it right.

Thank you J, for accepting me, loving me and putting up with me for two whole years.

100 things about me - revisited

This is a self-indulgent post. It assumes that you all want to know more about me (sometimes I like it to be all about me). I originally wrote this on my Growth and Decline blog. That was over a year and a half ago...so I thought I would revisit it and update. I actually had forgotten all about this, but J mentioned it, He goes back a looks at it from time to time. So, here it is...everything you wanted to know (and even more).

1. I have brown hair.

2. Sometimes it has been red.

3. If the truth be known, it is probably at least half grey anymore.
My hair color always comes out of a bottle now. I am sure it is mostly grey anymore. I may change shades monthly, though I tend to stay within a certain range. I have been thinking of experimenting a little with it soon, after all it is only hair.

4. I love my dogs, almost as much as my kids.
My dogs are my four legged children and much more appreciative than my actual children. My grandchildren are my loves before my dogs or my kids.

5. I collect Christmas ornaments.
I own (and sometimes put up) 6 full size trees. I have more ornaments than will fit on them. When all trees are put up, that is a tree in every room.

6. I hate feeling like my feet are restrained; I don’t even tuck the sheets in at the foot of the bed.
I still feel this way. J has restrained me at times, I don't have a problem as long as He is in control. I always feel safe with Him.

7. I love to cook.
I love, love, love to cook. I am addicted to food porn online. I try new recipes frequently. I always try to cook for J when I see Him.

8. My favorite smell is campfires.
I still love campfires, but my favorite smell is now J's pipe.

9. I used to show horses.

10. I owned a Quarter Horse named Carlos Bars; I sold him when I got married.

11. I should have kept the horse and passed on the husband.
I know that I am a sum of all of my experiences and relationships. The marriage may have failed, but it contributed to who I am today. I do miss owning a horse.

12. I love wearing skirts, but I usually wear jeans.
Skirts are extremely impractical for me to wear at work. I do wear them for J.

13. I love to write, I wish I were better at it.
Writing is cathartic for me. It helps me grow and process things. I do think my writing has improved, though it is still not at the caliber I would like it to be.

14. Irises are my favorite flowers.

15. I will turn 50 this year, but sometimes I still feel 20.
50 has come and gone, I recently turned 51. I still feel much younger than I am. Maybe, because I am still learning and evolving.

16. I love the theater and the opera.

17. I like to mow grass.

18. My favorite color is red.

19. I wear Chanel #5 perfume and have since I was in high school.

20. I love being spanked and flogged.

21. I want to be caned, but it scares me.
I have been caned, several times. It no longer scares me (at least not most of the time).

22. My college dorm was haunted; Ghost Hunters did a show on it.

23. I do believe in spirits, but I don’t believe in ghosts.

24. I am a Christian, but I incorporate some aspects of Taoism in with it.
I still classify myself as a Christian, but my faith and beliefs are forever evolving. Most Christians would think I was a heretic. Maybe I am more of a Universalist, I find some validity in most religions.

25. Three places I would really love to travel to are: Angkor Wat, Cambodia, Machu Picchu, Peru, and Stonehenge, United Kingdom.
I would still love to go any of these places. However, J has influenced me...I would choose Italy over any of them.

26. I love ruins and historical sites.

27. I also love tourist traps/roadside attractions, Rock City is my favorite one, but I love the Belles of Cypress Gardens and the Mermaids at Weeki Wachi Springs too.

28. I can’t wear watches; they do not keep time on me.

29. I am allergic to jewelry, unless it is nickel-free.

30. I wanted to major in anthropology, but my parents said no.

31. Tent camping is my favorite vacation.
My favorite vacation is being with J...anywhere.

32. I love to sew, especially quilting.

33. My grandmother taught me to sew on a treadle sewing machine.

34. She also taught me to quilt, but gave up trying to teach me to knit and crochet.

35. I still cannot knit or crochet.

36. I love roller coasters, but not ones where you stand up.

37. I am afraid of heights.

38. I love traveling on trains.

39. I love reading quotes and try to incorporate them into what I write.

40. I think Sean Connery is the sexiest man in the world, but only after he was older.
J is the sexiest man in the world...but don't make me choose.

41. I love Monty Python and I know the words to The Lumberjack Song.

42. I get migraines.

43. I have had 5 knee surgeries.

45. My trachea was severed by a piece of glass when I was two.

46. I really am a bit accident prone.

47. I love pomegranates, but I don’t eat the seeds.

48. I have three grandchildren, I love doing things with them.

49. They wear me out.

50. I am wondering if I can think of 50 more semi-interesting things about me.

51. Toffifays are my favorite candy, but they’re hard to find.

52. I smoke, even though I know I should quit.

53. I play with my hair and bite my lip when I am nervous or thinking.

54. I try to buy myself fresh flowers once a week.

55. I love fish and seafood, but I hate oysters.

56. I drove a 1972 Dodge Charger in high school.

57. I love muscle cars and car shows.

58. I like to study philosophy and religions.

59. I love the beach and the mountains.

60. I have never traveled outside North America.
This of course includes the Caribbean and Canada, but I am not very well travelled. Though, I hope to change that over the next 10 years or so.

61. I love crosswords and word puzzles.

62. I have one brother and two sisters.

63. I am the baby of the family.

64. I love to read.

65. Biographies and memoirs are my favorite genre.

66. I was a daddy’s girl; I really miss my father since he died.

67. He and I used to sail and canoe together.

68. Sometimes I still sleep in one of his old shirts.

69. I kept his slide rule.

70. I am determined to get my Master’s Degree.

71. I love school.

72. I collect music boxes; I love to listen to them.

73. I collect iron doorstops.

74. I collect way too much junk.

75. When I was little, I thought Memorial Day parades were held for my birthday.

76. I love watching fireworks.

77. I am a cancer survivor.

78. Death does not scare me.

79. I love flying kites.

80. I have always had few, but close friends.

81. I love thunder storms, the more severe the better.

82. I hate violence, but like watching boxing.

83. I am sapiosexual.

84. I am a bit of a masochist.

85. I am fascinated by fire.

86. I have a very low tolerance for stupid people.

87. The most famous person I've ever met was Margaret Mead.

88. My favorite holiday is Christmas, followed by Halloween.

89. I enjoy going to museums.

90. Working third shift at 7/11 was the worst job I ever had.

91. Working at a stable was the best job I ever had.

92. I am an expert shot with handguns.

93. I have shot a sawed-off shotgun and an AK-47.
What can I say, my ex-husband was a cop. I am not a gun fanatic though and I do tend to lean towards the argument for gun control.

94. Giving birth, twice, was the most amazing experience I ever had.

95. I breastfed both my sons.

96. Only five more to go, and yes I am cheating.

97. I have been married and divorced twice.

98. My second husband abused me.

99. I am good at jigsaw puzzles.
I am actually pretty good at any kind of puzzles, it's just how my mind works.

100. I have nightmares that I am being strangled.
I rarely have these nightmares anymore. J has slain most of my demons. When I am awakened by a bad dream, thoughts of Him calm me and comfort me.

Out of control

I need to be out of control, actually I need to be in complete control, His control. I need to surrender, to relinquish myself to Him. I need to escape, for one hour, one evening, one day. This is a selfish need, this need to be controlled. I need Him to quiet my mind, to chase away the demons, to surround me, to overtake me. I need Him to blot everything out of my mind, but Him. I need to serve Him, I need to be bruised and marked and fucked and made to cum. What a selfish little bitch I am, but I am His selfish little bitch.

Unexpected

I have been back from vacation for a bit. My life has been the typical back from vacation and trying to catch up song and dance the past week or two. Last week though, my son's mother-in-law died, suddenly and unexpectedly. So I have been trying to help them as much as I can.

It has emphasized to me how fragile and valuable our time and relationships are. Also how trivial our worries can be. How often we neglect our relationships and concentrate our efforts on resolving the trivial irritations and demands. When it is all said and done, who will care how clean our house was, or how many possessions we accumulated, or how far we climbed the ladder of success? What will be remembered is the kindness that we showed, the friendships that we nurtured, the lives that we touched.

For many years, I isolated myself. I was reserved and stand-offish in relationships. It was a form of protection, of self-preservation. I tried to help people, but I brushed off attempts to return the favor. I listened to people, but I did not share. Many things have occurred to change the way I relate to people, but the biggest changes have come from my relationship with J. He has taught me many things, but the greatest lesson has been how to trust again. I trust Him completely, I have from the beginning. We connected and I had no doubts, I knew I was safe with Him. I also realized that He was someone special, someone worth taking a risk for. I know He would never hurt me intentionally. I cannot imagine that He would ever hurt me unintentionally; I also know that what I have gained from our relationship is worth more than any hurt I could experience. He has changed me, transformed me, I am a better person because of Him. He possesses me, He also cherishes me. I have never felt so cared for, appreciated and safe. It makes me strive to give Him more, to serve Him better, to please Him in every way I can.

I have never been so open, honest and vulnerable with anyone else. I am compelled to share everything with Him. It is easy to do, because I already feel He knows everything about me. It is what He does with that knowledge that amazes me. He is totally accepting of all that I tell Him. He does not judge me or chastise me, He does guide me and shape my thoughts and desires. He also clarifies things for me, helps me define things for myself. Our brand of D/s is not overbearing, micro-managed or punishment based. It is perhaps a bit paternal. We do not engage in Daddy-little girl play, but he mentors my submission and encourages my surrender to Him. My goal is to please Him, my reward is in being able to do that. The results have been highly unexpected by me. I tend to over-think things, keep my feelings to myself, hold tightly to my views and beliefs, but with Him I am open, pliable, flexible in my thoughts. My limits are constantly shifting, stretching and disappearing as He leads me and pushes me. He teaches me and forms me into a better submissive. As I have become more pleasing to Him, I am more pleasing to myself. I am the same person I was, only more so, only better. He has enabled me to rediscover myself. He has reclaimed and strengthened the woman I was before I was tossed about, battered and eroded by the storms of life. His strength and His support have given me a secure and firm foundation to stand upon. Though, my favorite place is at His feet.

Vacation

Tomorrow I leave on vacation. I am going to visit my sister and mother. I am excited about going, but not like I should be. The trip means I will be farther from J. I would not see Him this next week anyway, but I also will not be able to talk with Him as much.

I know that distance is relative. When we are already apart, does it matter whether that distance is 100 miles or 1000 miles? To me it does. What matters is availability. I try to be available to Him all of the time. I am available to Him everyday, whether by phone or online. I am also available should He decide to come visit. This next week, I will not be as available. That bothers me (not enough to stay home, but He would not want that anyway).

The last time I made this trip was almost two years ago. J and I had not yet met in person, though we were talking quite a bit. I cannot believe the progression of our relationship over the past two years. I originally thought it would be a casual, play only, probably short term D/s relationship. It is now anything but casual, wholly committed, all encompassing, long term (for as long as He wants me) relationship. We do have a D/s relationship, but we have more than that. It seems that each day our feelings and commitment deepen. I love Him, I am devoted to Him, I belong to Him. He has dominated me, healed me, loved me and accepted me. He honors me. Thank you J for everything you have given to me.

Oh, BTW...this also means I will not be posting over the next week or so. Think of me, as I will be wet, tan and warm (not THAT kind of wet, you all have dirty minds!).

J was here with me this week. It was wonderful to be with Him. We celebrated His birthday. I cooked for Him, I baked Him a cake. It felt so good to be near Him, to touch Him and hold Him. I have been feeling fragile lately, very vulnerable, emotionally raw. I needed Him. When I am with Him, all of those feelings are okay, I am safe. When I am apart from Him, those feelings are disconcerting.

I had been desiring all sorts of different things. I was wanting intensity, severity, I wanted to be marked and broken. I have been asking for it. However, when He was here, I could not find the right headspace. I couldn't settle into the sensations, they were too much, too overwhelming. I felt like I had failed Him, I could not even tolerate our usual intensity of play. I cried, I was emotional, I felt as if my submission wasn't good enough. He held me, He comforted me, He reassured me. I love that He takes responsibility for me. I love that I know I am completely safe with Him. Still, even though I know He feels that way, I know He accepts that responsibility, I am still surprised. I still don't always expect it. I am not used to someone being so reliable, so constant. I am not used to someone taking care of me like that.

I know that our dynamic involves an exchange. That means to give something in return for something else. That means there is both give and take going on. I know that I can trust Him completely. I have never worried or feared He would harm me in any way. Though, in my mind I expect to give to Him and have Him take from me. In reality, I feel He gives much more than I give. He has the responsibilty in the relationship. He works at establishing the dynamic. I do try very hard to submit, I try to anticipate and meet His needs. I want and try to please Him, but ultimately, He bears the burden of the decisions and direction that things will go. He gives me the means to explore and define my submission. He gives me a place where I am safe and cared for. He gives me more pleasure than I have ever experienced before. He loves me and accepts me. He has made it possible for me to heal and to grow. I feel a vast inequality in what we both contribute. I feel that I have received more than I could possibly offer Him. I have never experienced this level of trust or contentment. I always feel that I want to give more.

You're my halo

Remember those walls I built?
Well, baby, they're tumbling down,
And they didn't even put up a fight.
They didn't even make a sound.

I found a way to let you in,
But I never really had a doubt.
Standing in the light of your halo,
I got my angel now.

It's like I've been awakened,
Every rule I had you breakin'.
It's the risk that I'm takin',
I ain't never gonna shut you out.

Everywhere I'm looking now,
I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby, I can see your halo,
You know your my saving grace.

You're everything I need and more,
It's written all over your face.
Baby, I can feel your halo,
Pray it won't fade away.

I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo

Hit me like a ray of sun,
Burning through my darkest night.
Your the only one that I want,
Think I'm addicted to your light.

I swore I'd never fall again,
This don't even feel like falling.
Gravity can't forget,
To pull me back to the ground again.

Feels like I've been awakened,
Every rule that I had you breakin'.
It's the risk that I'm takin',
I ain't never gonna shut you out.

Everywhere I'm looking now,
I'm surrounded by your embrace.
Baby, I can see your halo,
You know your my saving grace.

You're everything I need and more,
It's written all over your face.
Baby, I can feel your halo,
Pray it won't fade away.

I can feel your halo, halo, halo
I can see your halo, halo, halo
I can feel your halo, halo, halo

I think of you

I think of you as I stand in the shower, feeling your hands slip over my wet body, reaching for your cock and knowing how perfect it feels as my hand curls around it.
I think of you as I dress, longing to feel your marks and the tenderness as I pull my jeans over my ass.
I think of you as I prepare dinner, wishfully wanting to set the table for two.
I think of you as I drift off to sleep, imagining you next to me, feeling your skin touching mine. Remembering being half asleep, seeking your cock with my mouth, tasting you, sucking you, feeling your hand rest on my head.
I think of you as my hands slide down my body, I feel your fingers trace my wet folds and push inside of me.
I think of you as you occupy my dreams, immersing me in your presence, breaching my soul, inhabiting me.
I think of you, every minute of every day, I live within you.

sacred iniquity

She was splayed upon the altar, waiting to be sacrificed to His desires. She was bound, not by rope, but by His ascendancy. He stood beside her, presiding over this rite of subjugation. They were surrounded by cloaked and hooded figures, faces hidden. The silent forms were observing the proceedings, waiting for their roles as subordinates to Him. The sanctuary loomed around them like a dark cavern, emphasizing her prostration and submission. The only light emanated from hundreds of candles, casting flickering reflections and dancing shadows over this mise en scene.

She shivered in her nakedness, not due to cold, but to exposure. No words were being spoken, she knew what was expected, her compliance and surrender were understood. Yet, she could hear the pounding of her heart and her breathing echoing in the void of other sounds. She was both the sacrificial lamb and the temple prostitute. Offering herself to fulfill and sate His dark desires, but also knowing her own lusts and inclinations fed Him and increased His appetites.

His hands reached out for her. Their gazes locked as He pinched, pulled and twisted her nipples. Her gasps and whimpers seemed as loud as screams, they filled the darkness. She felt her juices leak from her cunt and trickle down the cleft of her ass. Not breaking His stare from her eyes, He brought a strap down, hard, on her mound. A small scream escaped her lips, her legs involuntarily jerked together. He paused patiently, as she readjusted her position, once again open for His use. The strap came down again and again, her hips squirmed as she fought to be still. Her eyes squeezed shut as tears flowed down the sides of her face. She trembled in response to the assault on her most sensitive parts. Yet, her body betrayed her as the sting and the burn spread and ignited a flame. Her juices gushed and she found herself lying in a pool of her own arousal. Each stroke taking her closer to climax.

Feeling a hand close around her throat, her eyes jerked open. She was met by the site of His cock at her lips. Her mouth reached out and hungrily encompassed His shaft. She welcomed it, this familiar object of her worship. She began paying homage to His offering, sucking harder and deeper, filling herself with His presence, devoting herself to His pleasure. She was lost to her surroundings, focused only on Him. The sensation of many hands on her, exploring and probing, yanked her mind back to the present. She was surrounded by the men He had assembled here. Anonymous men, who were fondling and stroking her. Hands, pinching and grasping, fingers pushing inside of her. Her mind split and her confusion reigned. Her reactions wavered between the sensations that were propelling her towards her climax and the reality of the origin of those sensations. Any objections that she tried to voice, were muffled by His cock thrusting into her mouth. The base and primal side of her psyche won out. Her thoughts went blank, her muscles tensed, she arched off of the altar as the waves of her orgasm washed over her. Contractions pulsed through her entire body as her mouth was flooded with His seed. One by one, His tribe of attendants released onto her, their hot cum covering her breasts and her belly, consecrating her as the object of their lusts.

She was immersed in His dominance, floating in the acceptance He offered her. He was her purpose, her destiny. She was filled with veneration for Him, her surrender was inevitable. He completed her.

Happy Birthday J

You complete me and possess me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!

My Plea

I want to curl up at your feet and feel your hands on me, strong and firm.

I want you to dominate me, control me, erode me, break me, overwhelm me.

I want to feel your quiet strength, that commands the woman in me and comforts the child.

I want to endure the pain you inflict on me and, through my tears, know you would never hurt me.

I want the strokes, the pinches and the bites, that ignite the fire in my belly and cause my cunt to leak.

I want to be bound and clamped, because your restraints free me.

I want to be fed your cock, gagged on your manhood, because it affirms my womanhood.

I want to be anointed with your seed and your piss, because it brands me as yours.

I want you to dangle me over the precipice, so I can learn to fly.

I want to drown in you, be lost in your presence and feel your stamp upon my heart.

I want to surrender to you always.

Introspective

J recently traveled out of the country. We thought we would have regular contact while He was gone, but due to some technical glitches, that wasn't possible. I was excited and happy for Him to be able to indulge in this much needed vacation. Though, I also wondered what my reaction to His absence would be. What I have found is that each time of separation defines us, as much as each time we are together. I was able to ride a wave of gratitude while He was gone. Both gratitude that He was enjoying Himself and gratitude that He loves and accepts me so fully, I am able to feel secure, even when I am unable to communicate with Him.

Our relationship has been a journey, it has evolved and deepened in ways that I never anticipated. I have been reflecting on that journey a lot lately. M:e recently talked about the changes that have been occurring in her life, her observations made me think even more. I commented to her that I used to focus on our destination. I wondered where all of this would lead us. I no longer think about that end point. Instead, I concentrate on the path we are on. There is a synergy between us, each of us needs exactly want the other has to give. The amount of intensity and control He has come to desire, is exactly the amount of intensity and control I have come to crave. I cannot separate myself from Him, He is a part of me. Whether we are together or apart, I feel Him within me and all around me. Even when there is a lightness to our interactions, within the teasing, playfulness and banter, I feel the current of my submission running deep and strong. I am His, I belong to Him.

We are forging ahead together, but He is blazing a trail within me. I am forever marked and altered by Him. He has refined me and shaped me. Wherever I end up, whatever I become, I will always bear His imprint on me.

Your kink is not my kink, but I get it

I spent part of my birthday hanging out with my best friend. We have been friends for a very long time, we have weathered quite a lot together. It has only been in the past year that I have shared my kinks with her and she in turn has shared hers with me. I will admit, that once I opened that door of sharing, she opened the floodgates and is much more forthcoming than I am. I can't say I was shocked, though at times I have been a bit surprised. Mostly at the fact that we have been close for so long and there is so much we didn't know about each other. The bottom line though, is that our kinks are quite different. She is anything but submissive. She might play in that role, but she tends to switch. She has a strap-on and knows how to use it. She participates in (and seems to enjoy) cuckolding. The main thing is, she likes to be in control. While all of those things don't do anything for me, I get it. I understand her penchant for it and if it works for her, well hey, who am I to judge.

She was telling me about her ex-husband hitting on her. This is something he does quite often, only because she occasionally indulges him. Then she told me of her plans to have a threesome (her being fucked by two guys), she told me she had thought about inviting her ex to watch. Something about wanting to humiliate him. I told her that as much as I do get it, somehow it just didn't seem quite right. Of course so much of what she does (sexually and otherwise) doesn't seem quite right to me. I pity the man (or woman for that matter) who would betray her, for she would ensure their destruction, even if it meant her own. I'm not really judging here, I just sometimes wonder about her intent. She then referred to J. She said, "the next time he comes down, just tie him up, whip his ass and make him happy." That was when I realized that even though I may get it, she doesn't. I told her that we don't switch, ever. That I am always submissive and He is always Dominant. She replied, "okay, then he can tie you up and whip your ass, whatever."

While it certainly won't effect our friendship, she not only doesn't understand my submissiveness, but I don't think she understands my commitment to J as a submissive. I'm sure she knows we are committed in our relationship, but I think the dynamic escapes her. I could be completely off base, but she seems to think that kink is just kink and doesn't define a relationship. I thought about explaining that, for us, D/s is beyond just playing. It is more than just getting your rocks off, it is who we are, in and out of the bedroom. But I didn't, she wouldn't understand. I have shared this blog with her, I know she has read it, but not on a regular basis. It is not that important to me that she understands. Though, it makes me wonder how many people that have not desired or experienced this type of dynamic, can truly understand how deep that it goes.

Uh...comments please

It has been awhile since my last post. This one has been languishing, half finished, in my drafts for sometime. What can I say? I have been busy, it's Summertime and the livin is easy. I would rather be on my deck in the sun, than inside at the computer.

Sometimes when J and I are chatting on IM, He asks me to turn on my webcam. Sometimes it is because He misses me and want to see me, usually, it is because He wants to see a bit more of me. I like being able to do that for Him, though it does make me self conscious at times, especially since I can only read His words and not see feedback from Him. Of course, it also makes me nervous because my computer is located next to a window, with a sheer curtain and street view, and I often do not know when my son will return home.

The other night, while we were chatting, J asked me to turn on my camera and take off my top. I did, but also explained that I was expecting my son home shortly. (Of course, always teasing, He wrote, Not my problem, pet. Probably his more than yours, to boot.) I was correct and as I saw my son pull into the driveway, I hastily pulled my top back on. Our conversation at that point took a turn (as it often does) and we began discussing politics, family and religion. (I realize, that for many people, those are dangerous topics, but we really can, and do, discuss everything.) As the hour got late and our conversation came to a close, he referred to my son. I told Him that he had left, shortly after he had arrived. This exchange is what followed:

J: And your top has been on?
A: I guess I need a spanking
A: a hard one
J: Tell you what..... You can write about it on your Rabbit Hole blog... Explaining why you didn't share with me after he left.
J: Have a nice evening!
A: seriously?
J: Sure... Why not? I'd enjoy it, and I suspect your followers would, too.
J: What do you think?
J: Really.. What do you think?
A: It wasn't an intentional act
J: I know.
A: okay, I'll write tomorrow
J: I'm looking forward to the comments.
J: Not as much as the post, but nonetheless...
A: I'm not sure I am looking forward to the comments or the post.
J: Oh, pish!
J: It'll be fun for all.
J: Okay... Almost all.
A: especially you
J: G'night, pet.

So there you have it. I'm not sure what kind of comments He expects. Punishment is not really part of what we share (I was kidding...and hoping...about the hard spanking). And though the oversight of keeping my top on was just that, an oversight, I told Him I would write tomorrow, but it has now been closer to a week. I may be fairly self-disciplined as a sub, but I am a terribly undisciplined blogger.

Oh, and as for my explanation; I was aware when my son left. Though the conversation had moved on to more vanilla topics, I knew I could have mentioned it to Him and removed my top again. I am much more at fault for taking so long to comply with His wishes. For that, there isn't really any excuse that will suffice, other than, sometimes, life gets in the way. I know, that's right up there with my dog ate my homework. (Which has actually happened to me before and even then, that paper wasn't late.) So, here is my admission, I guess I sometimes take advantage of His kindness and understanding and am not as disciplined as I could be. Don't get me wrong, I know the difference of when it will matter (things that are truly important to Him) and when it will not. Oh dear, that makes me sound, either extremely bratty, manipulative or like I take advantage of Him all the time. I really do not.

So there you have it, hold me accountable. I do ask that you recognize the playfulness of His intent in requesting this. I also ask that you take into consideration that today is my birthday. Hey, if I'm going to take advantage here, I might as well go all out!

Courage

This breaks my heart too.

I wrote a post on this on my other blog. I was going to just add a link, but I think it is important enough to justify a double post. For more information on the issues, check out Courage Campaign.

I will never understand how and why the Religious Right (who on one hand preaches love and forgiveness) feels they are justified in dictating and legislating morality and lifestyle. The tenets of Christianity are love, acceptance and forgiveness. Where are the love and acceptance here?

Love and commitment in relationships can take many forms. They are not limited by gender, race, religion, lifestyle or even a number. To deny people in loving, committed, consensual relationships the right to legalize their unions by marriage is shameful. Worse yet is to nullify already existing marriages, because they don't fit into one's idea of acceptability. People in these unacceptable relationships (whether LGBT or Poly) have already shown a greater level of commitment, courage, and problem solving than most mainstream couples. They epitomize the definition of what marriage should be. Perhaps Ken Starr and his followers should be more concerned with their own unions and the high rate of divorce among them. The prejudice and persecution of those in alternate lifestyles violates the freedoms that our country was founded on. It perpetuates falsehoods and stereotypes that breeds hatred and exclusion.

I know that this is an issue that has been going on for awhile. You may feel it is old news. Yet it continues. The battle is being played out in different states across the nation, for every step forward, there are two steps back. This is a battle that will be won, the only question is when. Whether this is being fought in your state or whether it directly effects your lifestyle, it effects us all. When the law can dictate who we love, live with, have sex with it is archaic and wrong. When people who love each other cannot care for each other, own property, provide benefits, make medical decisions, raise families it is immoral in every sense of the word. If you want to legislate morality, then let love win.

Within You Without You

We were talking about the space between us all
And the people, who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion
Never glimpse the truth, then it's far too late, when they pass away
We were talking about the love we all could share, when we find it
To try our best to hold it there with our love
With our love, we could save the world, if they only knew

Try to realise it's all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you're really only very small
And life flows on within you and without you

We were talking about the love that's gone so cold and the people
Who gain the world and lose their soul
They don't know, they can't see, are you one of them?
When you've seen beyond yourself then you may find
Peace of mind is waiting there
And the time will come when you see
We're all one, and life flows on within you and without you

I have been pondering why it took me so long to realize that my truth has been there all along.

Red faced

I just read this post by aag. She is always good to make me smile. Her embarrassment reminded me of an incident of my own from our recent trip together.

As I posted before, the trip was business for J. He had a display set up at a convention center. On our last day there, we had to break down the display and load it in the van. It was threatening to rain and we had been hurrying to get it loaded. However, I had also been fighting a very strong and present urge to either touch Him there in front of everyone, or drag Him off to...well just about anywhere we could have done it. I was a good girl and I behaved myself, but walking out to the van, as soon as we had cleared the crowd, I said (rather loudly), "You really don't know how badly I want to suck your cock."

He turned around (He was about five feet in front of me), smiled and replied, "I'm glad to hear that and so is the guy that's about three feet behind you." I thought He was just teasing me, but as I shot a look over my shoulder, sure enough, we were not alone. I don't know if I was overheard or not, I was too embarrassed to make eye contact.

Addiction

Looking back, I know that my submissive nature and my need to be dominated and controlled was always there. Even before I knew that people did that. In past relationships, I desired it, toyed with it and tried to give into it. However, none of those men ever stepped up to the plate and responded in kind. Then there were many years of my refusing to give an inch, I glorified my independence, I prided myself on not needing anyone. I simply refused to relinquish control or be vulnerable in any way. One man I dated told me I was intimidating. I could live without, after all, I believed what I desired simply did not exist. I did not share, I did not cry, I did not submit.

Then I met J. It was as if He reached inside me and unlocked the door that guarded my submission. Despite my sensibilities and all the warning bells and alarms, He had me. Though I trusted and needed no one, I trusted and needed Him. I expected a casual relationship, a mutual meeting of needs, a play partner. I found a soul mate, a connection that transcended time and distance, an addiction.

I am a junkie. The cravings that He awakened in me are outside of my control. My fix can be delivered in many ways. A note in my inbox, hearing His voice on the phone, sitting quietly at His feet while He strokes my hair, cooking dinner for Him. Then there are also the times of intensity. His hand in my hair, guiding me to (or holding me back from) His cock, laying over His lap while He warms my bottom, bending over the bed as He wields the cane, standing before Him as He binds, clamps and flogs my breasts. The common thread in all of those things is my longing, my craving that I cannot control, my obsession, my addiction, my surrender to Him.

Tales of my travels, in which I am very much His slut, His lady and His pet

I'm back and I'm calm, smiling and satisfied, and more than a little sad it's over. The anxiety, worrying and exhaustion I had been experiencing completely disappeared as soon as we were together. J is a wonderful influence on me, He calms me, knows me and cares for me. I absolutely love every second that I get to spend with Him.

This was a business trip for J. I was excited and privileged to be included in it. The nature of the trip allowed me to help Him and to spend almost the entire time with Him. J works extremely hard and I was pleased to be able to assist Him this week. I often wish I could be more of a support to J, He is always so supportive of me, I love when I can serve Him and aid Him in many ways. The more time I spend with Him, and the more that I learn of Him, serves to validate the love and devotion that I feel for Him. It also increases my desire for Him. After this time together, I thought my need and longing for Him would be sated for awhile, however, I found that it increased more each day that passed. J is the sexiest man I have ever met. I feel like quite a little slut for Him, although I would never behave inappropriately or jeopardize His reputation, I had unbearable cravings to reach out and touch Him all of the time.

This trip together defined and cemented our dynamic. He is quite dominant with me, but He also likes to step back to see what steps I will take to put myself out there and please Him (without a directive). It would be much easier for me to follow a direct order, than to act on things that I know I do not have to do. It is my desire to please Him that makes me put myself out there and test myself by doing things I know He will like. On the day that I did not accompany Him for business, I stayed back in our room. I spent the day relaxing, reading, and walking. I also wandered around and explored the hotel. It was an older hotel, but beautiful and charming. As I wandered around, I found many alcoves and balconies, as well as lots of stairways and sitting areas. We have discussed public sex many times, not blatant, obvious groping, but more discreet (though not without risk) encounters. With that in mind, I chose a closed stairwell (near the elevator and probably not used much) that was fairly near our room. I also went back to the room and put our bed restraint system on the bed. As He had left that morning, He had jokingly said, "I expect you to be tied up and waiting for me when I return." I then showered, shaved and placed cuffs on myself. I almost succeeded with strapping myself down, but couldn't quite get the last cuff snapped into place when He came in the door. Though seeing me naked and three quarters strapped to the bed, made Him smile. (He was very happy to help me secure that last cuff.)

Rather than give a play by play (no pun intended) of our evening, I will just relate some things that define our relationship. We are playful, we laugh and have fun. We stimulate each other sexually and mentally. While I was restrained, we played, not really BDSM play, but more slap and tickle play. Then He unstrapped me, we touched, we conversed and as we lay side by side on the bed (me being naked with wrist and ankle cuffs on), we had a stimulating and serious discussion of the Nixon administration (of all things). Then He got up, slapped my ass and said, "Get up, get dressed and let's go to dinner." While many of you may think that is a strange interaction for a Dominant/submissive couple, that is exactly what makes J perfect for me.

Lest you think that I have forgotten the stairwell, I have not. We dressed for dinner, drove to a lovely, out of the way, Italian restaurant and had drinks and dinner. I did get a bit tipsy, not intentionally, I only had two (though very strong) drinks. The food was excellent, the waitstaff was attentive, He told me about His day and I told Him about mine (including the stairwell). When we got back to the hotel, I led Him past the room, down the hall and up the stairs, where I proceeded to unzip His pants and suck His cock. We stayed in the stairwell until we heard voices and a door (no, they never entered the stairwell) and then we ran down the steps and back to the room like a couple of teenagers.

If you think that this may sound atypical of many D/s relationships, be assured that the rest of the evening was spent in some heavy play time. I was stripped, spanked, caned, paddled and made to cum over and over again. I have lovely cane marks and a sore bottom to remember it by. Our relationship is comprised of many facets, we are much more than Dominant and submissive. He enriches my life in every way. We share a synergy, which strengthens me and makes me a better person. Our dynamic goes way beyond anything I ever expected and beyond what I ever dreamed of.

Whoops

I have a friend/acquaintance, that I have known for a long time. She is fairly open and forthcoming about all aspects of her life, including sexual ones. We are not particularly close, yet she makes no secret of certain activities with her husband. I have never disclosed the dynamics or details of my relationship with her.

Her husband is a contractor, he has had trouble finding work locally and has been in Texas working for several weeks. Last week he came home for a visit and for sex (her words, not mine). Friday, she was telling another friend and me about his homecoming. She was also talking about going to the tanning bed. Somewhere in the mix, she said, "you should see my ass." and proceeded to show us the top part of one of her cheeks. It was a very nice shade of red. I was a bit taken aback, I commented, "I didn't know you and Scott were into spanking." She gave me an odd look and replied, "what are you talking about, I got burnt at the tanning bed."


This weekend is beautiful. I have all the windows open to air out the house. In two short days, I will be with J (at least, I hope they're short). I am excited and filled with nervous energy. We have both had a busy and stressful month. I cannot wait to settle into my submission and that mindspace of serving Him. This will be a much needed respite for both of us.

Calm

After this weekend of raging emotions, I am feeling calm again. Speaking with J( even briefly) tonight, restored me even more. He is an incredibly calming presence to me. I might as well just toss it in. The rest of the week is shot, my mind is already into next week.

I also spoke with my friend tonight. It was a good conversation, a girlfriend type conversation. I related some of what I have been going through and we had a good laugh over it. We talked a bit about her situation and I sense she is getting a handle on it. It was nice to reconnect, we will be fine.

When I began the emotional spiral, I longed for some control (His, not mine). My control tends to just clamp down, I shut the door and try to plunge ahead as if nothing is wrong. His control, on the other hand, is calm, steady and even tempered. He is patient, when I am not. My mind and my body surrender to Him and behave in the manner He expects them to. His presence puts me into a calm, meditative, almost worshipful state. He is firm with me and gentle with my psyche. He doesn't back down, but He will slow down and calmly and reassuringly bring me through times of turbulence or resistance. My entire being can rest in the shelter of His dominance. I have never felt safer than when I am with Him.

Sorting it all out

I have been struggling with some things for awhile. There are probably all sorts of reasons for that, the winter blues, some health and medication issues, stresses at work. For months now, I have looked at these reasons and used them to explain and excuse what I felt happening internally. I kept waiting for these feelings to pass, for my life and emotions to normalize. Instead, I felt things continue to be disconcerting, I felt off. Just as things would begin to straighten out, something else would occur and I would succumb to withdrawing into myself again.

This weekend, I felt the anxiety creep in and my control slip away. I felt vulnerable and exposed. I wanted to run away and hide. I felt afraid. The fear that crept in was something that I had not experienced in a long time. It was irrational, I tried to push it away rather than sort it all out. I didn't want to think about it or confront it. I certainly didn't understand it. Last night, I finally gave up and went to bed. I lay sleepless and felt tears flow down my cheeks. This morning, I was sick. I awoke with a migraine and nausea. As I sat, trying to just be still, thoughts came to me. Answers and reasons, revelations popped into my mind. Some things became clear to me.

The biggest and most logical explanation (one that I had been giving myself for awhile) is that I am 50, I have been experiencing some hormonal fluctuations and (gasp, dare I say it) some menopausal symptoms. However, I have had some of these before, and while my doctor told me it was due to my age and being peri-menopausal, it was actually due to thyroid cancer. The cancer now is gone (along with my thyroid) and all of those hormones and functions it controls are now regulated by a pill. In January, I found that my dosage was dangerously low. It was adjusted, I began feeling better and then a whole new set of symptoms began. So...perhaps it is menopause or perhaps it is my body adjusting to the medication changes, or both. Whatever the reason, it is playing havoc on my body and my emotions. I don't like it one bit. My revelation has nothing to do with all of that though. My revelation has to do with my way of reacting and dealing with several things.

In my past life (the one before J) I dealt with fears, stress and frustration by withdrawing, becoming independent, being private, maintaining control. There was no intimacy in my life, I didn't allow it. I could not risk being vulnerable. I was the go to person, yet, I didn't go to anyone. I had friendships, but I kept a part of me isolated. When I met J, that all changed. I developed trust, I opened up, I began to heal. I began to blog. The writing helped me understand myself, I used it to sort through things. I opened up to others, I developed friendships, I became part of a community. I revealed everything to J, but I also took a chance and revealed many things to others as well.

One of my friends (my best friend) is like a sister to me. We have known each other for 15+ years. I had always been there for her, yet I was still private, even with her. As I began to change, our friendship began to change. I opened up more, we talked more. Things shifted to become more equal between us, she was accepting and supportive. The past year for us has been difficult, as my relationship with J grew and deepened, her relationship was betrayed and crumbled. I shared less and listened more, she needed that. Since the beginning of the year, she has been struggling. She has allowed this man back into her life, knowing that he will probably only hurt her again. However, I have been struggling too, not with the same issues, but with the health issues. Except, she wasn't there for me. I can deal with that, I knew she was dealing with her own stress. The past few months, she has changed. She has continued in her toxic relationship, but she has changed her tactics. She has become spiteful, mercenary, and vengeful (not to me, but with him). She has blamed and hurt innocent people, she has lost sight of what she really wants (it has just become about revenge and winning). She engages in these things and then relates them to me and wants my approval. I cannot give it. I am honest, I try not to be judgmental, yet I call her on it. She doesn't want to be accountable, so we have gradually drifted apart. I miss her, I hear other people talking about her, the whole situation hurts me.

At work, I have been struggling to maintain a professional detachment with my clients. I work with a small group of young men, who have mental health issues and have been referred by the courts (due to criminal involvement). At times, they are all very difficult. They all face insurmountable obstacles in their lives. Despite developing a good rapport with them, they routinely become angry and resentful towards me. They also do not want to be held accountable. I cannot divulge some of the details (due to confidentiality), but several threats have been made against me by these boys (yes, they really are boys, early 20s). I continue to work with them, I have been duly cautious and despite the threats, I struggle with not getting too emotionally attached. I look at these boys (that have fallen through the cracks), I read their histories of the horrible things that have happened to them and the horrible things that they have done, it breaks my heart.

In dealing with those things (and a few others) I resorted back to old habits. I withdrew and isolated myself, even here. I have not been posting as much. I have been struggling with the vulnerability of being on-line. I have longed for women friends, ones whom I could open up to. I have had them here all along, but I have been feeling vulnerable and silent. I have been encouraged and supported by receiving comments and notes from many of you. I am sorry that I haven't always responded or responded quickly. I also want to say that through all of this, J and I are good. I have always been open and vulnerable with Him, I cannot imagine being any other way. In fact, the more I withdrew from others, the more I needed Him.

I guess what this very long rambling post is trying to say, is that I have been lurking, I have been reading. What you all have to say has helped me tremendously. I am amazed at how many of us are going through transitional periods in our lives. I am amazed at how many of your experiences and reflections resonate with me. I am here, I will try to write more, to be more vulnerable, feel free to call me on it. I do love you all. No posts next week though, J and I are going away together. I'm sure I will be better after that!